Shadows Fall (i will crit back)

[matt10lightning]

Falling Shadows

(Verse 1)
Darkness awaits our every move
Pessimistic tests which we shall prove

Tremendous cynicism invades our will
A foresaken angel is in for a spill

Men and Women an impassible race
high flying pressure of faith
Knock me down for first hand grace

(Chorus)As i watch there is no harm done
Tempted to murder as i handle a gun
Dealing with you is killing me with guilt
Collapsing the foundation in which i built

(Verse 2)
Building up trouble
Popped the enemies from my bubble

Graduating a fast break fatality
Crying these tears its not self pity

(Chorus)As i watch there is no harm done
Tempted to murder as i handle a gun
Dealing with you is killing me with guilt
Collapsing the foundation in which i built

[UnDeRoAtHfAn777]

(Verse 1)
Darkness awaits our every move
Pessimistic tests which we shall prove
Tremendous cynicism invades our will
A foresaken angel is in for a spill
Men and Women an impassible race
high flying pressure of faith
Knock me down for first hand grace
The lines aren't connected very well and although they don't seem forced, they do seem like you came up w/a line you liked, then went down the alphabet looking for a word that rhymed with it. That and I don't really get the how all the lines relate to each other, they sound like they are all part of another song to me.
(Chorus)As i watch there is no harm done
Tempted to murder as i handle a gun
Dealing with you is killing me with guilt
Collapsing the foundation in which i built
I like the 3rd and 4th lines of the chorus but the 3rd line may need to be reworded to flow a little better. Also, the 1st and 2nd lines do seem like forced rhyme and aren't worded very well either.
(Verse 2)
Building up trouble
Popped the enemies from my bubble
Graduating a fast break fatality
Crying these tears its not self pity
The 1st line doesn't fit well w/the rest of this verse. Pretty strong ending though, but it won't save the rest of the song.

Conclusion: Needs a bit of work but not a horrible song. Don't focus on rhyming so much, connect the lines a little better so that they flow better, and you may want to make the meaning of the song a little more clear(I think the meaning will become more clear when you make the lines flow better instead of just putting them in random spots where they rhyme.) 6/10

ps. I don't have a song for you to crit back but when I do can you crit me??

[Biancazzurri]

I like your chorus very much especially :
Dealing with you is killing me with guilt
Collapsing the foundation in which i built
it should be ".. in which i was built...".

This:
Men and Women an impassible race
high flying pressure of faith
Knock me down for first hand grace
in my oppinion should be a bridge - it has got the right flow too!

I assume the verse 1 should be opened more softly, but here you go straightforward - it's not bad just oppinion.

Spelling errors? => impassible

7/10 good work...

P.S. If you want find my stuff, no too much though, and don't crit if you feel you have nothing to say...

[matt10lightning]

Thanx UnDeRoAtHfAn777 and Biancazzurri i appreciate the crit. ill crit back

[matt10lightning]

ANY MORE CRIT. would be helpfull

[espf-250htd06]

sorry no crit at this time but i would suggest a different title i dont think anybody should name a song after a pretty popular band idk if youve heard of shawdows fall but half the world has idk i just thought i would point that out for you.

[burton.and.gas]

well its kool. the imagery is there but i am in no way wise of what the song is about. the title doesnt seem o fit. but tis stil la good song. the rhyme scheme is predictable vbut it stil lworks. i think in some places it has replaced the atcual song subject matter. this can sometimes make the song not so good, but i think what i like about this song is that it seems to be about man/woman relationships but is also very dakr and evil. 9/10

[burton.and.gas]

oh yeah coudl ya cirt mine please? http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=298245

[matt10lightning]

thanx for the crit. and yea ill change the title i couldnt think of anything else at the moment

[GreenDayFrk88]

(Verse 1)
Darkness awaits our every move
Pessimistic tests which we shall prove

Tremendous cynicism invades our will
A foresaken angel is in for a spill

Men and Women an impassible race
high flying pressure of faith
Knock me down for first hand grace

Good job here i liked this part maybe a few errors but not any that i really want to point out. Good vocabulary!!


(Chorus)As i watch there is no harm done
Tempted to murder as i handle a gun
Dealing with you is killing me with guilt
Collapsing the foundation in which i built

Great chorus really portrays the emotion i liked it a lot good job

(Verse 2)
Building up trouble
Popped the enemies from my bubble

Graduating a fast break fatality
Crying these tears its not self pity

Good job again nice, simple, and short but gets the message across perfectly

I've read your other writings and this one is my favorite really a great job. You've got potential 9/10

[teleplayer101]

change the title. shadows fall is a kickass band so dont mess with there name. and by the way do you know what half those words mean? anyway, i thought it was pretty good 7/10

[matt10lightning]

thank you trent...but i do kno wat the words mean..

[matt10lightning]

any more crit..or shuld i just post another song..

[FateisCold]

Ha ha Shadows Fall thats funny I thought you were just gonna steal some of their lyrics and try to pass them off as your own. Not bad though I just hate the line with the word bubble in it, hard rock really doesnt have much room for bubbles.

[matt10lightning]

yea i thought that line didnt fit..does ne1 have ne suggestions to fix that part?

[WeaponOfChoice]

I thought you were gonna rip some Shadows Fall lyrics too. How about you change the name to 'Falling Shadows' or something? So it's less confusing.

[matt10lightning]

kk thanks for the new title ill use it..lol