What Is Beauty? (written on the bus) crits needed

[kerazay]

Ever been sitting in the most normal of places and you've just been hit with this wave of inspiration? Well that's what happened here lol-as you can tell from the sort of title I was sitting on the bus today and this just came to my head. Btw it's a poem too, not a song.


I saved every eyelash that tickled your face
That I caught when I asked you to make a wish
Pretending to throw away what I wanted deep inside
Preferring to smile as you offered your kiss
I found a way to watch you laugh
While counting every breath you took
Before trying to summon your courage to say how you felt
You didn't have to, I could read you like a book

I found you even more beautiful and more wondrous
Than we ever told one another
With every single weakness you showed me
I loved you more, with every flaw you kept undercover
I'd write bad poetry especially for you
With every whisper you told me you loved it
Every touch of your hand took me away from reality
You were always so beautiful, no matter what you did

I watched you dream and wondered if I was in there with you
Gathering rose petals into my hand
Blowing them gently into your eyes as you smiled
As we sat at the water's edge, alone on the sand
Let me show you the star I want to make yours
It shows what is beauty, as do you
When I see you smile I am invincible, I can fly
I am immortal when you tell me you love me too

I secretly cherish everything you do
And with this token of my love
I am asking you again, and I pray to above
That you will give me the honour
And be my valentine
Not just for now, but forever and a lifetime


That's pretty much it. And one final thing-if this was written for you by your significant other, would it win you over?!

[kerazay]

ah come on someone crit it!

[Biancazzurri]

People here don't like poems..... That's what I think..
Don't have much to add in the theme way, its pretty clear...
But where are rhymes and metaphores? When I read this the long lines screwed up everything.. It seems like you are not involved in your piece.. ummm to much "I did" things and to much =reaction= from her side... Its not a soccer...

Work harder' think before you post - if there is something to add something to improve?
Read it with voice!

5/10

[kerazay]

thanks man... but would it win you over? im more interested in that because it's needed!

[matt10lightning]

great job..i liked this song because it flowed very well and most of the rhymes were not forced.

I secretly cherish everything you do
And with this token of my love
I am asking you again, and I pray to above
That you will give me the honour
And be my valentine
Not just for now, but forever and a lifetime

I really thought that, that was a strong ending..

If i was a girl (which im not) i guess it wuld win me over?? lol

*Overall 9/10*

P.S. thanx for the crit. on mine i still need to cut it down tho..

[kerazay]

thank you thank you... as soon as you get yours fixed up i'll be the first on it!

[i_mine_cor]

Crap, it didn't post what I just wrote... Basically, the last stanza is really cheesy and it detracted from the awesomeness of the rest of the poem but otherwise it kicked ***. Love your imagery and style. If I were a girl I don't think this would win you my undying devotion or anything but your stock definitely went up in my book. A stunning work, nice to see something like that on here. I don't see where it has any flow problems... Take a point off for the ending lines: 7/10.

:amaze: I envy you. Maybe I should ride buses more often.

[kerazay]

:amaze: I envy you. Maybe I should ride buses more often.[/QUOTE]

lol the wonder of buses can never be matched... :cool:

[espf-250htd06]

sadly if your gf is typical yea shell be awe struck but please dont post stuff for your gf anymore cause it dont make for a song or poem

[kerazay]

ok will do

[kerazay]

awww come on 92 views and 9 replies, 5 of which were my own?!

[the next big thing]

yeah, it'll win her over.

I really liked some of the lines in it but some others are cheesy.
Doesn't matter though if it's just to give to this girl, cause all the cheesy parts are compliments anyway so I doubt she'll mind. The last part may be cheesy but it's great when your givin it to someone.

6 out of 10 as normal poem

9 out of 10 as a love letter

[BrokenSaint]

not bad, but definitly a better love letter than song or poem. The last stanza is horribly corny, but if that's what you're going for (and I think you are), than it'll get the job done.

[kerazay]

i'll explain why the last stanza is so different to the rest in terms of language!
it's because the rest of it is all about past memories and i wanted to use simpler language just to bring it back down to earth... i know it's cheesy but that's the point of love letters isn't it?

[jb6oclock]

Obviously being an english major, it goes without saying this was well written. There isn't really alot of room for critiquing this piece it's fine as it is very straight forward and to the point. Anyone's significant other would be woo'd by this, so I guess you have achieved your goal. 7.5/10

[drumass04]

I find that most love poems/songs tend to do their job pretty well. Even if poetically/lyrically they aren't fantastic they do generally put the point across in a 'poetic' manner.

Bianncazzurri; poems are taken pretty well on here. All of the stuff I write is poetry, it seems to get a pretty good reception most of the time.

Tim

[jurialmunkey]

Yeah it works I guess. But it all feels a bit like... "I'll do this and I'll do that" etc.

It's really cliche/corny and way way over saturated with lovey-dovey stuff... Maybe if you made a card and put it on the inside and gave her a flower or something it could work.

It would NOT win me over though... I would laugh if I got read that. But that's just me.

I hate how Limp Bizkit destroyed the term 'Significant Other' just by using it... Limp Bizkit..... *cringe* Stoopid Fred Durst

[kerazay]

Ha ha poor Limp Bizkit... they aren't that bad-ah feck that, yeah they are! cheers for the crits guys