12" Voice

[carefreewanderer]

(Verse 1)
Marching ants, movement of one
Ideals, beliefs, instilled in us
Absolute syncronicity
We are told what we want to be...
You


(Chorus)
He pieces us together
To turn us into drones
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone

Each bottle on a rack
just a fraction of the whole
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone


(Verse 2)
Held by fear, relieved by pain
set to lose, receive no gain
Hindering creativity
Simply what we're taught to need...
You


(Chorus)
He pieces us together
To turn us into drones
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone

Each bottle on a rack
just a fraction of the whole
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone


(Bridge)
and When the faces begin to blur,
and the hours lost at home.
the yellow of life starts to pale
while he sits on the throne.


(Chorus)
He pieces us together
To turn us into drones
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone

Each bottle on a rack
just a fraction of the whole
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone




Thanks for taking the time to read this,
-JP

[saudade]

Dude, im a pretty critical person, always trying to find blemishes in lyrics and songs in order to make them better, but your writing really impresses me! Sure, its not the most complex or literal writting, but that doesnt matter. I cant help but feel that your a RATM fan, the structure reminds me heaps of "Settle for Nothing" off their self-titled album. The only small problem that i can sugest, is to extend the verses some more, it feels as though they are half the length they should be. Other than that, its awesome mate, very cool. Hope to read some moree of your stuff!

[carefreewanderer]

Thanks for the imput, I don't know a whole lot about lyrics or songwriting, but if you would like me to look at a song of yours I would be very happy to do one those crit for crit things.

-JP

[Iron_Weed]

(Verse 1)
Marching ants, movement of one
Ideals, beliefs, instilled in us
Absolute syncronicity
We are told what we want to be...
You

This is a very good first verse, except maybe the you at the end. Oh wait just got how it fits in to last line, yeah this whole verse seems cool.

(Chorus)
He pieces us together
To turn us into drones
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone

This is good , I agree seems sorta Ratm like.

Each bottle on a rack
just a fraction of the whole
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone

Good, good, good.

(Verse 2)
Held by fear, relieved by pain
set to lose, receive no gain
Hindering creativity
Simply what we're taught to need...
You

I'd say it's all good except maybe the rhyming of pain and gain. That sounds kinda forced.

(Chorus)
He pieces us together
To turn us into drones
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone

Each bottle on a rack
just a fraction of the whole
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone


(Bridge)
and When the faces begin to blur,
and the hours lost at home.
the yellow of life starts to pale
while he sits on the throne.

Don't like your third line so much just seems a bit long, maybe kill the "the".
Everyting else seems groovy.

(Chorus)
He pieces us together
To turn us into drones
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone

Each bottle on a rack
just a fraction of the whole
Everyone the same
Yet everyone alone


I liked this, it was a fresh approach to a political song using subtlty instead of screaming out its points. Good job.

9/10

If you have some spare time would you mind crittin this?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=300983

[Herbert_da_fish]

Wow, I really like this song. I don't really know why, it just seems to flow really well. I can't find any flaws so I'm sorry my crit is a bit useless 9/10. A crit for mine would be appreciated :D http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=300377 you really have talent :thumb:

[ClayTheJ]

It does have a great flow to it, but my teacher always said 6" voices, not twelve lol

[teleplayer101]

liked it dude. good political song. not to forced, but gets the point across.

8.5/10

can u crit mine thanks

[carefreewanderer]

Lol, yeah, I was thinking about calling it 6" voice, but I grabbed a ruler and was like, "dude, wouldn't it suck if you had to get within 6 inches of someone to talk to them, you could taste their breath" After that disturbing though process, I grabbed a ruler and decided on 12.

-JP

[GreenDayFrk88]

Goood job for a political song especially. A lot of people dont like it because they think it's too opinionated, but this one was really great.. Really is telling the truth of what is going on in the world outside great job 9/10

[GreenDayFrk88]

oh btw: can u crit mine its called: Shadow Of You

[Daven]

awesome, i liked this song a lot 9/10