My Antidote

[zildjian_drummer]

this is my first song, so some feedback would be good :)

My pain and sorrow
eats away at me
my way of living
blown to smithereens
The pain I suffer
paralyzes me so
I cannot feel anything
not even cold or heat
wheres my antidote?
I need it so
to feel life and love
wheres my antidote?

Chorus: wheres my antidote?
I need it so
to feel life and love
wheres my antidote?

That emptiness is gone
im so overjoyed
I could feel again
My infection is gone
thanks to you
the girl who stole my heart

Chorus: that hole in my heart
has now been filled
that emptiness is gone
My infection is gone
thanks to you
the girl who stole my heart

[zildjian_drummer]

aww no feed back

[estel]

aww no feed back

Here's some....

My pain and sorrow
eats away at me
my way of living
blown to smithereens
The pain I suffer
paralyzes me so
I cannot feel anything
not even cold or heat
wheres my antidote?
I need it so
to feel life and love
wheres my antidote?

Eh.. it's ok. Nothing outstanding. It's all pretty generic emo-ish writing. The 'smithereens' bit is pretty lacking. Surely you can think of a better word than smithereens. Ask your english teacher to help you find some better words.

Chorus: wheres my antidote?
I need it so
to feel life and love
wheres my antidote?

Even more meh than before. It's a chorus, but it's basically a rehash of the last few lines of the previous verse. I can see that structure working (in fact it's not a totally bad idea) but it's not really a chorus, just a repetition of the verse over a different riff (I hope). The thing it really needs is some better lines.

That emptiness is gone
im so overjoyed
I could feel again
My infection is gone
thanks to you
the girl who stole my heart

Chorus: that hole in my heart
has now been filled
that emptiness is gone
My infection is gone
thanks to you
the girl who stole my heart

Ho hum emo.
You could have at least keot the fact that it was a girl a bit more discreet. A bit of metaphor, imagery .. anything to make it more interesting would be great.

All-up - Be more adventurous. Add some metaphor, some description, some emotive language, some imagery. Anything that makes this more interesting would be great.

[zildjian_drummer]

thanks, that helps

[MaCkCiTy]

id have to hear it? if i saw some of my favorite songs on paper befor id heard them i would have a clue as to whether its good or not