First song (I felt was worth posting)

[CcD]

Well my first finished song I thought was worthy of posting. Tear this sh!t apart please.

(verse 1)

Welcome sir,
Here's the plan we have
Our secret mission
We know you'll love it
'Cause we made it just for you
And we had nothing else to do

(prechorus)

Your company will thirve
Not just a promise
That's a garuntee
Everyone needs to survive
'Cause the new world order calls for industry

(chorus)

Employers
Destroyers
People have no choice but to work for you
Confessed it,
They're desperate
And they've paid for thier demise
Nothing left to do but die

(verse 2)

More profits here
Prime location to start
Just push the locals out
And they'll still have to pay
City hall was smart
When they made it that way.

(prechorus/chorus)

(bridge)

In this concrete wasteland
Paper tumbleweeds now blow
Taxes got too high
Workers must oblige
No wonder the neighbourhood died...

(prechorus/chorus)


So like I said, all crits are welcome. As of yet it's still untitled so any suggestions would help too, thanks.

[thedeadwalk!]

i felt this was smarter than it was emotional which is always good for political stuff. i'm not sure about the last line of the first verse; makes it seem like they're doing this because they're bored, which is not the case. also, the rhyme scheme changes from verse to verse, i'm not sure how that'll work out, i'm just saying.

all around good job, nothing new here, but the approach was appreciated.

[CcD]

Thanks, yeah I wasn't really aiming for some deep emotional, personal type thing. I mostly wrote it because of a giant tax hike in the city where I live (Boring subject for a song).Basically people have to pay more money so it will be cheaper for businesses and developers, that no one wants anyway, to move in and crush the local competition and put people out of work.

[thedeadwalk!]

don't get me wrong though, you will need have emotion in there, as you do, because no one wants to hear a song about statistics. unless...?

[Rockafella]

Me likey.

[CcD]

bump

And after I crit all of those other songs....

[matt10lightning]

good job..some of the ryhmes seemed forced but other than that i thought that it flowed well with the idea u were aiming towards..overall 7/10