first song ever written -please crit

[chaos_through_order_13]

like i said, this is my first song ever written, and i don't expect it to be very good, but any criticism is helpful, even the bad stuff :thumb:

No title as of yet... intro/chorus meant to be "call and response" type thingie

Intro:

Don't waste my f***in' time,
Power Trip Authority!!
Tryin' to brainwash my mind,
Power Trip Authority!!
You've got security on the innocent,
Power Trip Authority!!
When the streets are filled with crime!

8 bar instrumental break

Verse 1:

They say an individuals rights and privacy,
must be sacrificed!!

2 bar break with super cool guitar riff

To save our war torn nation,
governed under Jesus Christ!

Repeat 8 bar instrumental break 2X

Verse 2:

Thousands of men and women,
crammed into a date file,

2 bar break with super cool bass riff

Turn Mr. Johnson into binary code,
point your rifles at the four year old,
never gonna find 'em, never gonna save us
while Osama walks through the front door!!

Bridge:

Go ahead, try and scream
they've stolen your identity,
a swipe of the card, a flick of the wrist,
your one in the throng in just 1-2-3!!

Repeat Intro/Chorus

End

[thedeadwalk!]

it's more emotional than intellectual, which may only appeal to those who believe what you do when dealing with political topics. the last two lines of the second verse is fear-mongering in your own right, which is exactly what they're using to push their acts through; not a good tool to use.

other than that, i don't really see any major problems with this. i think if you just focused on the privacy and rights that were sacrificed and what they can do, it would be better.

fan of anti-flag by chance? sounds quite a bit like them. not too bad.

[chaos_through_order_13]

i DO listen to alot of anti-flag, but i think the influence for this song came more from dead kennedy's type stuff, 80's punk :thumb:

[estel]

Not a big fan of punk music myself, but it could be worse - it could have been emo pop-punk.

The stuff about structure and music probably aren't needed, especially when they're described as "super cool"

The second verse doesn't really flow. It follows a couple of different tangents there... first it's about the 'Big Brother' thing, with everything reduced to statistics and computer data, then it's about people suspecting innocents, then it's about finding terrorists....
Try to find more continuity within verses. Your rhyme scheme is also all over the place. The intro rhymes all lines but the 3rd, the first verse has rhymes, then the second verse has none at all. If it's a verse, it would probably work better to have the same rhyme scheme as the previous verse.

[teleplayer101]

sounds like bad religion/antiflag

[chaos_through_order_13]

actually estel, i got the idea for this song after watching some special on NBC on how the american government is thinking about forcing EVERYONE who goes through an airport to offer finger prints and retina scans and voice recognition and all that ****, and apparently the airports will run that through their "database" to see if the person is a terrorist or a threat to security. in some states, this has already been implented in many airports, and there have been HUNDRED'S of innocent people reprimanded by the police. so in essence, the government IS turning people into statistics, prosecuting the innocent, and hunting for terrorists, and they'll do anything to find them, which is what the second verse is about, and i think it's good like that. but yes, i do agree with you on the whole rhyming scheme thing, i think i'll rewrite the song and post the new one. thanks for the advice :thumb:

[crush_my_dreams]

sounds pretty street punkish..and since im a fan..i'm giving 9/10
i dont know what this is "throng" did you mean through or thong? i have no idea haha
good job otherwise!
<3

[bulletbuster676]

it sounds like anti flag so its good and funny. The only thing is the beggining you should change part of it

[FateisCold]

EHHH...didn't care much for it but sacrifice and jesus christ....nice rhyme.
Don't got a lot to stay about stuff I don't care much for but for your first song it shows a lot of potential and you should keep working it and posting and I'll keep reading and posting back.
PS a post in my thread would be nice too thanx!

[Daven]

good song.Im not really a fan of punk music nor punk lyrics so im giving it a 8/10. Goood effort though

[That_Dude]

Id give it a 5/10,nothing special.

[DrownedThought]

This song's subject is speaking against the goverment you would not last long as a band if you played this. The comment "governed by jesus christ" MANY PEOPLE, i repeat, MANY PEOPLE WILL TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT. This is a song with good rythm and flow, the content of the song is very touchy. If you ever plan on being in a band do not play this song. It's a bad career mistake. 8/10.

[ABulldog]

I liked the super cool guitar riff.

[chaos_through_order_13]

crush my dreams, throng means a large group of people, and thanks for sayin' it was good!! and drowned thought, do you really think that the jesus christ line would offend people, i mean if alot of people really say that then i will probably change it, but i never thought it would offend poeple that much.... but i guess i will have to change it for my parents, they're devout christians... part of the reason i used that line.... he he he.... and abulldog, i too like the super cool guitar riff!! my guitarist friend of mine actually made one up a few days ago!! anyway thanks from everybody for the good and bad comments, i'll keep writing more if people even thought this was moderately okay!! :thumb:

[RollerQueen]

The only thing that I really liked was how you gave the "directions" as to how the instrumental parts went. As it stands, this sounds like immature political-punk diarrhea that relies too heavily on the style of past heroes without even trying to make a worthwhile message out of it. If you're talking about America, it's far from "war torn." I'm in America and I'm doing just fine. No military coups have prevented me from going anywhere in the past decade or two. It's alright to be dramatic but it pays to be smart about it when you are.

Since the majority of the other posters in this thread either don't have the balls to say it or haven't been exposed to songwriting enough to make a worthwhile judgment, I'll say it: This piece isn't good. It's hackneyed, predictable, and immature to say the least. I'm sure that it would be able to get the kids moshing at a punk show but I can't take it seriously as an honest-to-goodness writer. This isn't the first song ever written, either. This is the first song that YOU have written. That's fine. Everyone has to start somewhere. You have a long ways to go, though, so I suggest that you do some reading and get more practice. Listen to The Refused if you want to get a more recent example of solid political songwriting. I hate to come off as some arrogant S.O.B. but these people throwing empty praise on you is more worthless and harmful than any acerbity that I can dish out.

[metaliq]

^^^ Señor Queen is right. It does suck.

Keep writing. :)

[chaos_through_order_13]

i think rollerqueen is right, even as i was writing it i knew it was going to come out cliched.... oh well, i'm glad there's guys like you out there who'll tell me when i really suck.... seriously :thumb:

[metaliq]

:)

We only speak the truth, you can't grow from lies.

[RollerQueen]

I repped you for being mature about taking the criticism. Thank you.

[theredwonder]

I was all ready for a copy of the first song ever written within the history of the world.

Needless to say, i was disappointed :(

[Dead_Trench]

Some things are good. The writing isn't really that good but if you're going to play it with punk instrumentals(power chords, open e string ect.) then it does its job well enough. To sing you'd have to put emphasis on certain words. Doesn't flow well in certain parts either. Like "You've got security on the innocent," and "never gonna find 'em, never gonna save us". It's an alright song, I guess.