~Inspired Journey~

[TCsmartie]

Funny how inspiration takes over in the oddest of places. Whilst driving to a party the other night it just took over and i had to stop and jot it all down. More poetic than i usually am. Not really any order to it, or structure, but thats where you come in :p Crit it to pieces please! This is the result of my Inspired Journey...


Ashes on the road
Sparks fly in the dark
Relieves the cutting cold
Leave a lasting mark.

Signs point to places
That no one ever goes
Daring you to make a move
To change the life you chose.

Red lights in front
While white ones race us by
You know its out turn
To risk, to learn, to try.

Junction miles ahead
No rest stops
No time to slow
No saving thoughts
To be afraid,
You follow the beaming glow.
The streams of light
A shimmering sight
You're dazzled in this enveloped night.

I leave a trail of regrets
Singing, so i won't forget.
Mist submerged, away we speed
Flicker under street lamps
Empty darkness takes the lead.

Flash & Fade
Light up the rain drops on sheer, cold glass
Back into the night
Your eyes wipe them out like silver, stolen stars.

The lights are bleary
Now my hopes are weary
Blinking cross-eyed & Star crossed
Just a souvenir of the journey
A receipt i can't return
take it back or burn.

[burton.and.gas]

thats pretty cool. reminds me of dylan and also makr lanegan. wel lsort of its not miserable like those two lol. no its very good and its quite celver but tsill very ordinary. i'd say it woudl fit a jaz or folk format quite well. 8/10

[burton.and.gas]

ok cud you crit mine please
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=298245

[TCsmartie]

Cool thanks burton. Will check yours out. Yeh, i get the folky idea... lol. Will try to "jazz" things up a bit... hee hee

[TCsmartie]

Anyone??

[Biancazzurri]

Cool piece in my oppinion too...

Is the roads thing is a metaphor to life or not? Would be nice if yes...

As I read I thought there would be a carcrash at the end (nothing to do with your way to the party ofcourse:)) this would add the satisfaction from reading...


in other ways its pretty good

[TCsmartie]

car crash?! Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...lol. Maybe, I'll think about that one... its just a jumble of thoughts, no real meaning but thanks for that crit. The road metaphor can be whatever you want it to be ;-) lol

[matt10lightning]

Yea that was a pretty cool song..some of the rhymes seemed forced but not all of them..and most of it flowed pretty well..great job...overall *8.5/10*

[TCsmartie]

Thank you! I try not to force rhymes, but whatever comes to me is written...! Can't help impulses!

[teleplayer101]

thats pretty cool. reminds me of dylan and also makr lanegan. wel lsort of its not miserable like those two lol. no its very good and its quite celver but tsill very ordinary. i'd say it woudl fit a jaz or folk format quite well. 8/10

i agree with u on that burton and gas about dylan. i give it a 8.5/10, really liked it

[TCsmartie]

I dont know many Dylan songs. What ones would you recommend?

[i_mine_cor]

Just out of my own curiosity, is that first stanza about smoking cigarettes while driving? Because it took me two reads to get it, and I'd be proud of myself if we were both thinking the same thing there. Anyway, good imagery, nice choice of words:
"A shimmering sight
You're dazzled in this enveloped night.
I leave a trail of regrets
Singing, so i won't forget.
Mist submerged, away we speed
Flicker under street lamps
Empty darkness takes the lead."
And the second to last stanza is awesome. I think that the 'junction miles ahead' line might need to be changed since, although you might not have been thinking about it, the second stanza definitely suggests a underlying theme, but this implies that the choice is a long ways off. Just a thought. No other complaints here - 7/10

[TCsmartie]

Thanks for the crit, Cor!
Yeh - the first stanza was based on smoking whilst driving, not that i smoke, but someone infront was, and i thats what gave me the idea for it. :-) Great minds think alike lol. I think i know what you mean about the "junction" part. I will change that to something else that emphasises the theme more. Thanks again! Anyone else care to crit??