So Far Away (First Song!!)

[GreenDayFan11]

(Verse 1)

I sit here up in my room alone
Knowing that nobodys home
I listen for a hint of your voice
but all i hear is worthless noise
I feel like clothes left out to dry
feeling like im the only guy
In this world who is by themselves
and i need some serious help

(Chorus)

But you're so far away
I cant see you, i cant feel you
so far away
There is nothing i can do to make you come and stay
It's something i dream about
every night crying out loud
But you're so far away
and i cant help it

(Verse 2)

Im suffering from lack of love
wishing that i was high above
in the cold blue air
to see if you are really out there
do you even care
that im by myself
something i cant help
unless you come and save me from myself

(Repeat Chorus)

(Verse3/Bridge)

I know that you never cared
about me or anything
I know you only cared
about yourself and your diamond rings
You took advantage of me
and now you watch as I bleed
Im a fallen hero
and you're the zero

(Repeat Chorus)

My first song plzz crit

[GreenDayFan11]

Crit 4 Crit anyone i need some help i wanna see if any of my material is any good!!

[DrownedThought]

Well...Its VERY generic... no originality... somewhat of a flow, but no emotion. You got to break away from simple words and use bigger and more complexed words... for your first try i give a 6/10. Most people who make songs on there first try never usually make a song, just a mess with words.

[the next big thing]

Yep i think the exact same as the above.

Carry on tryin i can see some potential

[TCsmartie]

Its all tied around the rhymes, try to break lose a bit. Its good for what it is, and very good first song. Get some feeling and originality in there and you well on your way. :-)

[russdvdsn]

u know its really not bad for a first song, however i think the topic "so far away" is WAY over-done,,, lets se,, Staind-so far away,,,, 12 Stones- so far away,,,,, Crossfade- so far away,,, those are just the ones i can name off the top of my head, other than the title and over done topic it was good, it seems to flow real well, and even though your words are real short, i think it worked for you, over all,, 6/10, but keep up the good work!

[GreenDayFan11]

Thnx for the crits. I do apperciate the advice.