Tough Goodbyes\The Leaving Song - Crits PLZ!

[finchguitarguy]

ok tell me what you think, i just need to know if this is good or not.

Tough Goodbyes\The Leaving Song

Woke up with blurry eyes today
It hurts me deep inside to know that you'll be gone
We said our tough goodbyes, that lonely Thursday night
I hope I dream of you tonight.
Your parents' voices are still ringing in your head,
"We bought a nice place, down in Bartlett."
I called you on the telephone, begged you to stay.
I try to whisper, so you don't hear me say:

Chorus:
Will, you, think about me when the
Time, kills, your precious memories
I, won't, stand to see you sad so
Don't, you, start to cry

Don't worry, things won't be so bad
You'll find some new friends to repace the ones you had
The memories of them are locked up in your mind.
Someplace secret, someplace hard to find.
Your boyfriend was a jerk, an ******* anyway
I'll think about you to get through another day
You always laughed when you were in your state of grace,
Now dry those tears, they're running down your pretty face.

Will, you, think about me when the
Time, kills, your precious memories
I, won't, stand to see you sad so
Don't, you, start to cry

It's tough...
To say...
Goodbye....
This time...
A friend is gone forever
Beautiful, funny, and smart
But I'll always remember
Her handprint on my heart.

Chorus x2

This is already one of my band's songs, but I just wanted to know what you guys thought. It's not on the site yet, so I'm wondering if I should put it on there or not. http://www.purevolume.com/ambientnoise

[ClayTheJ]

Woke up with blurry eyes today
It hurts me deep inside to know that you'll be gone
We said our tough goodbyes, that lonely Thursday night
I hope I dream of you tonight.
Your parents' voices are still ringing in your head,
"We bought a nice place, down in Bartlett."
I called you on the telephone, begged you to stay.
I try to whisper, so you don't hear me say:

It's a little choppy when one rhyme leads into another description when you expect it to go on

Chorus:
Will, you, think about me when the
Time, kills, your precious memories
I, won't, stand to see you sad so
Don't, you, start to cry

Seems choppy, basically becuase the commas...The lyrics most likely fit your song

Don't worry, things won't be so bad
You'll find some new friends to repace the ones you had
The memories of them are locked up in your mind.
Someplace secret, someplace hard to find.
Your boyfriend was a jerk, an ******* anyway
I'll think about you to get through another day
You always laughed when you were in your state of grace,
Now dry those tears, they're running down your pretty face.

You spelled replace wrong...

Will, you, think about me when the
Time, kills, your precious memories
I, won't, stand to see you sad so
Don't, you, start to cry

It's tough...
To say...
Goodbye....
This time...
A friend is gone forever
Beautiful, funny, and smart
But I'll always remember
Her handprint on my heart.

Great ending

Overall it was about a 6/10, overplayed topic, but the ending is what made me like it more, the verses are a bit choppy and out of sequence, but that can easily be fixed. You have something to work with here.

[Darkdan]

definatly add it to the website i would love to hear this song