Shattered (Crit 4 Crit)

[GreenDayFrk88]

My 5th song i have ever wrote....Say what you will!!



(Verse 1)

I come home to you every night
Praying that this time we won't fight
We yell and scream everyday
Calling each other unwanted names
And i must admit we have our differences
And it's pulling us down
But we must stay together and hold our ground
Just sit down and listen to the sounds

(Chorus)

I've been shattered by our fights
Why can't we just turn out the lights
And go our seperate ways
That'll be the day
Shattered by the lack of love
All we do is push and shove
And now I'm leaving you
To do what i wanna do

(Verse 2)

I left you the other day
Told you that i wanted outta that place
You began to cry
I said it wasn't all right
Then i left and slammed the door
And you fell down to the floor
We'll never see each other again
And we'll never be friends

(Repeat Chorus)

(Bridge/Verse3)

Yelling and screaming
I think I'll just be leaving
Pushing and Shoving
This isn't even funny
I breaking down
and im falling to the ground
I'll never show what I lack
And I'm never comming back

(Repeat Chorus)


Crits are appreciated

[CcD]

I was reading your other songs and they all seem to be about the same thing, you struggleing or about a relationship. Try to get some more variety in your writing, but thats just a suggestion. If you like writing like that then don't let anyone stop you. Anyhow about your song...

I left you the other day
Told you that i wanted outta that place
You began to cry
I said it wasn't all right
Then i left and slammed the door
And you fell down to the floor
We'll never see each other again
And we'll never be friends

I sense a bit of a forced rhyme with door and floor.

Yelling and screaming
I think I'll just be leaving
Pushing and Shoving
This isn't even funny
I breaking down
and im falling to the ground
I'll never show what I lack
And I'm never comming back

I think this is the best stanza. It's actually able to convey emotion in the first few lines.
You say that you're breaking down in the fifth line but then in the seventh line you say you'll never show what you lack. I'm interpreting this as weakness and therefore contradictory, but perhaps I'm just reading it wrong.

Your rhyming pattern is like 1 1 2 2 throughout the entire song and it makes it alittle boring. Maybe a different one for the chorus would mix it up a bit. The next song it could be every other line (1 2 1 2) or have a different pattern altogether, but most beginning song writers tend to do this anyway. Since the subject matter was rather bland ( just my humble opinion) and the only thing really irking me was the repttitiveness of the rhymes I give it a 3/10. Some of your other songs were better than this.

[adamon]

not a bad song...but as CcD said,the rhyming is a bit forced...but overall this is a good song