Untitled, Please Crit, Give sugg for title

[ClayTheJ]

I'm back after a long absence of making horrible material. Heres the song



These thoughts won’t leave my head
Lost the things that have been said
What has been broken cannot be fixed
The lies that were spoken have got me tricked
Riding down this deadly path
You jerk the wheel, I turn and crash
These things won’t get off my chest
It’s just another day, it’s just another death

You twisted me up from the inside
The tears did not shed from my eyes
All along you’ve been living a lie
Why can’t you just lay down and die

Here I am, caught in your trap
Once again, not looking back
You left me down, down and dead
Where my distress will never end
Trapped in your prison, trapped in your beauty
Might as well love me, Might as well shoot me
Lay me down in my grave to rest
It’s just another day, it’s just another death

You twisted me up from the inside
The tears started to come from my eyes
All along you’ve been living a lie
Why can’t you just lay down and die

No man is happy ‘till he’s dead
Till his fear is drowned by dread
When the pillow in the coffin is under my head
The tears in your eyes will start to shed



Start with the crits.

[finchguitarguy]

I'm back after a long absence of making horrible material. Heres the song



These thoughts won’t leave my head
Lost the things that have been said
What has been broken cannot be fixed
The lies that were spoken have got me tricked
Riding down this deadly path
You jerk the wheel, I turn and crash
These things won’t get off my chest
It’s just another day, it’s just another death

You twisted me up from the inside
The tears did not shed from my eyes
All along you’ve been living a lie
Why can’t you just lie down and die

Here I am, caught in your trap
Once again, not looking back
You left me down, down and dead
Where my distress will never end
Trapped in your prison, trapped in your beauty
Might as well love me, Might as well shoot me
Lay me down in my grave to rest
It’s just another day, it’s just another death

You twisted me up from the inside
The tears started to come from my eyes
All along you’ve been living a lie
Why can’t you just lie down and die

No man is happy ‘till he’s dead
Till his fear is drowned by dread
When the pillow in the coffin is under my head
The tears in your eyes will start to shed



Start with the crits.


That's pretty **** good. How about "Cheap Thrill" for a title? I dunno, it just came out of nowhere, and it sounds pretty sweet.

[CcD]

These thoughts won’t leave my head
Lost the things that have been said
What has been broken cannot be fixed
The lies that were spoken have got me tricked
Riding down this deadly path
You jerk the wheel, I turn and crash
These things won’t get off my chest
It’s just another day, it’s just another death

First four lines are awesome, especially the broken and spoken part; it really brings it all together. I'm not a fan of the 11 22 rhymes but you made it work so well here.

You twisted me up from the inside
The tears did not shed from my eyes
All along you’ve been living a lie
Why can’t you just lie down and die

When you say 'lie' twice and then 'die' it sort of throws eveything off. 'Lay' seems like it would fit in more naturally in the last line (again though, it would throw it off with the 'why' I would think about rewriting that.

Here I am, caught in your trap
Once again, not looking back
You left me down, down and dead
Where my distress will never end
Trapped in your prison, trapped in your beauty
Might as well love me, Might as well shoot me
Lay me down in my grave to rest
It’s just another day, it’s just another death

I like this part, you were able to keep with the pattern you established in the first verse.

You twisted me up from the inside
The tears started to come from my eyes
All along you’ve been living a lie
Why can’t you just lie down and die

No man is happy ‘till he’s dead
Till his fear is drowned by dread
When the pillow in the coffin is under my head
The tears in your eyes will start to shed

Maybe my grammer is not the best but the last line doesn't seem to read right. Maybe becuase the sentence is structured in such an odd way. I would put 'be shed'.

Overall this is a good song. The subject isn't too interesting but it's worded nicely. 7/10. Sorry I don't have a suggestion for a title, though I hope my crit helped.

[GreenDayFrk88]

I think you did a nice job w/ the rhyme scheme. Overall it's a pretty nice piece that i enjoyed.8/10 Nice Job. :thumb:
As for a a title. how about? "Another Day, Another Death"

[himynameistweek]

or just another death

[ClayTheJ]

Thanks for the crits guys, and the sugg and everything else.