Fate of Many

[barclay]

This is my first song. It doesn't have music to it yet but here are the lyrics. Any feedback is wanted, but I prefer criticism so I can improve, thanks.

Fate of Many

The coming of the day
The rising of the ignorant

The devil’s flight has come

The marching of his troops
You life is now your doom

Seeking his hand of forgiveness

[Solo]

The waves now sweep
The souls do weep
And the meadow seeps
While Satan reigns with laughter

He soars through the air
His call to all, “Despair”
He starts his dive, and screams his cry
The devil’s flight, beware

Through air and steel
He plows his hate
Through fire’s realm
You find your fate

[Solo 2(possibly)]

The dust it falls
You won your life

Through air and steel and hell
You find your fate!

[Something_Vague]

Ewwww, just ewwww....

Dear god, satan? Come on dude, for a first song this is atrocious, first off the title is so laughable, secondly, the topic...Satan rising to power, is just sooo lame, you'll never get any *** with this song, let alone fans, unless you're playing to devil worshipping nazis, which I doubt will happen.

Tips:
1.)Don't ****ing write about satan, and if you do, don't make it so rediculous stupid/redundant/blunt, otherwise it comes out as a cheesy pile of steaming satan crap.
2.) Don't write (solo) in the lyrics, I wanna throw a brick at who ever started this trend, I don't care if there is a solo, or a solo part II.
3.)Use better diction, this is about 4th or 5th, maybe 6th grade writing level, it is pretty bad, I'm sure a 3rd grader has a larder vocabulary.
4.)Get some original ideas, and some better titles, "Fate of Many.." how about, if you plan on keeping this abomination to nature: Air Rips Through Fates, as the King Prevails.. Not only is that alot more original it catches attention.

Okay that is about all the tips your getting from me...

Check out mine it should be on the front page.

[Peglegsue]

not bad for your first attempt.

[barclay]

Holy **** Something Vague, think you can stomp on my heart anymore than that? LOL This is my first try to atleast I'm not too upset. BTW, the topic isn't about Satan coming to power. It's about Satan trying to come to power but he loses and it is also about the attacks on 9/11. I must go cry now.....:D

[bassaholica2004]

Hmmmmm, not bad for your first song. Reminds me a bit of my old stuff actually, from wayyyyy back. Has a very thrashy/Slayer-ish feel to it.

The waves now sweep
The souls do weep
And the meadow seeps
While Satan reigns with laughter

This is your weakest part IMO. If I wrote it, I think it would go:

The crimson waves sweep,
Silent souls weep.
Blackened meadows seep,
While Satan reigns his terror.

Or something like that. Keep trying, you have potential.

[barclay]

Thanks.