uh oh! UH OH!!! WTF?!

[Burningwater]

I hope the title pulled you in, if it didn't then you wouldn't be here.
Alright guys, my newest piece, slash it down with crit. I want to see it decimated.

Ripples

My eyes fall to the floor
and I can see it spreading
a black mist is creeping
in the shadow of your hand

Running through the water
to the light beyond
I may never make it
but ripples will go on

I can see a web in the clouds
the vapors blanketing the sun
coveting like a diamond
so far from human touch

Some can't be decieved too easily
Some have fallen from the sky
With broken wings we try to fly again
But only ripples will go on

Let's see if we can break 10 posts on this one...you all have been lame previously.

[teleplayer101]

haha ya man title brought me in but whatever. song was alright, maybe needs to be a little longer. has some potential though- 7/10. crit mine thanks

[Burningwater]

come on, this is pathetic.

[CcD]

Ripples

My eyes fall to the floor
and I can see it spreading
a black mist is creeping
in the shadow of your hand

I don't understand the 'shadow of your hand' part but the first few lines are great.

Running through the water
to the light beyond
I may never make it
but ripples go a long way

Hooray! Some one who's not anal about rhyming! This flows very nicely. Just soemthing is off about the last line.

I can see a web in the clouds
the vapors blanketing the sun
coveting like a diamond
so far from human touch

Very nice imagrey here.

Some can't be decieved too easily
Some have fallen from the sky
With broken wings we try and fly again
But all that's made are ripples

A very nice song indeed. It's simple, no forced rhymes, no big, clumsy words or nonsense metaphores. Good flow aswell. It's a bit short but I think it's great the length it is. 8.5/10 :thumb:

[Alive]

i think that it could do with a rhyme scheme, or at least a loose one of half rhymes. for eample, this bit:

Running through the water
to the light beyond
I may never make it
but ripples go a long way

could go:

Running through the water
to the light beyond
I may never make it
but ripples will go on

and this bit:

I can see a web in the clouds
the vapors blanketing the sun
coveting like a diamond
so far from human touch

could go:

I can see a web in the clouds
the vapors blanketing the sun
coveting like a diamond
ina place where humans shun

i dont know if that would be changing the song too much, but its just a suggestion. Other than that, great song. 8/10

[Burningwater]

If you've read any of the Spider songs I wrote you might catch an allusion!
I love doing that...
Taking into consideration the suggestions that won't screw up the meaning of it...
EDITED

[Burningwater]

Alright, I'm going to bump this one more time...if no one else responds...I will hate you all forever.