Renaissance

[kerazay]

I swear I've seen your face before
I know I have, you were there
I can't place it, but all the same
I know I've seen your face before
I swore it once, I'd swear it a second time
I really don't remember where
I saw you first, I just can't think
Maybe you were a passing image in my mind?

I'm surprised I don't know your name
I look you in the eye, I've seen it before
The colour that sparkles deep inside
No glint like that is ever the same
I cry insanity as we speak
Where have I seen your face before?
The same passing image, a ray of hope
Before this eternity seemed so bleak

I swear I've seen you, this isn't by chance
I spoke to you once, it seemed so real
You caused a revolution in my heart
Just in time for my soul's renaissance

So where have I ever seen you before?
Have I seen you, are you not what you seem?
Did your face grace a billboard?
Did those eyes gaze down at me
I'd swear on my life that I've seen you before
And it wasn't a dream

Down on my knees I swear this isn't by chance
I spoke to you once, I know it was real
You caused a revolution in my heart
Just in time for my soul's renaissance

[slit_wrist_theory]

"I swear I've seen your face before
I know I have, you were there
I can't place it, but all the same
I know I've seen your face before
I swore it once, I'd swear it a second time
I really don't remember where
I saw you first, I just can't think
Maybe you were a passing image in my mind?"

Seems too repeated. There's 8 lines pretty much saying exactly the same thing. There aren't any real metaphors used. It's quite boring to read.


"I'm surprised I don't know your name
I look you in the eye, I've seen it before
The colour that sparkles deep inside
No glint like that is ever the same
I cry insanity as we speak
Where have I seen your face before?
The same passing image, a ray of hope
Before this eternity seemed so bleak"

This verse is a lot better. There are alot more expressive words in it.
"The colour that sparkles deep inside" is a good line.
"The same passing image, a ray of hope
Before this eternity seemed so bleak" is also good, but it still seems to ramble on too much.

"I swear I've seen you, this isn't by chance
I spoke to you once, it seemed so real
You caused a revolution in my heart
Just in time for my soul's renaissance"

First two lines aren't very good, but the last two are.


"So where have I ever seen you before?
Have I seen you, are you not what you seem?
Did your face grace a billboard?
Did those eyes gaze down at me
I'd swear on my life that I've seen you before
And it wasn't a dream"

Again, the first two, not so good, and two repetetive, but the last 4 are ok.

My advise would be to not write 'I've seen you before' in every line, and just write what seeing this person makes you feel... You don't need to keep telling us or them that you keep seeing them, because if you explain your feelings more, it'll be obviously. And use more description throughout.

[kerazay]

thanks man that was a great crit, i'll change some things and post it again... when i'm not hungover ;)

[kerazay]

Bump...