Fly - crit for crit

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I haven't seen many happy songs lately so I figured I'd put one on here. Even though I wasn't in the happiest of moods today, I managed to write something. Reminder: crit for crit. So yeah, thanks for your input. Cheers!

Fly

The first sound of the morning
Are voices by my bed,
Talking about politics
As I slowly lift my head.
I shuffle into the bathroom,
And look at the mirror to see
Truly what is God's finest creation
Smiling right back at me.

This is gonna be the start of something good,
I'll just see what comes my way.
This is gonna be the start of something new,
Everything will be okay.
Euphoria is under my wings
And I'm gonna fly.
Nothing will take me down,
Once I take to the skies.

The sun is shining brightly,
I'll take a promenade
To be beside the beauty of nature,
And join the masquerade.
Maybe I'll go to the beach,
Walk bare foot by the bay,
Won't seek shelter from the sun,
I'll welcome every ray.

This is gonna be the start of something great,
Nothing's gonna stop me today.
This is gonna be the start of something fine,
Good bye, skies of grey.
Euphoria is under my wings
And I'm gonna fly.
Nothing will bring me down
From this bright, blue sky.

EDIT: Made changes posted by Silverhammer

[Devil Inferno]

The first sound of the morning
Is voices by my bed,
Talking about politics
As I slowly lift my head.
Shuffle into the bathroom,
Look at the mirror and see
Truly what is God's finest creation
Smiling right back at me.

quite uplifting eh, a good one. 7/10"
5th line better if : "I shuffle into the bathroom,

This is gonna be the start of something good,
I'll just see what comes my way.
This is gonna be the start of something new,
Everything will be okay.
Happiness'll be under my wings
And I'm gonna fly.
Nothing will take me down,
Once I take to the skies.

ok, this sounds quite corny. well, just an advice, if you want it to uplift, go all this way, this seems like a you want to potray uplifting-ness, but don't dare to take it to the extreme. give it all you've got, don't relent. 6/10

The sun is shining brightly,
I think I'll go take a stroll.
Marvel at the beauty of nature,
I'll be in control.
Maybe I'll go to the beach
And walk in my bare feet.
Jump in the water and swim
Just to escape the heat.

Quite good rhymes over there, seem a little forced, but adds to the "bumpiness" of the song. 6/10

This is gonna be the start of something great,
Nothing's gonna stop me today.
This is gonna be the start of something fine,
Good bye, skies of grey.
Happiness'll be under my wings
And I'm gonna fly.
Nothing will bring me down,
I will be so high.

Everything has been coming up roses,
The perfect end to a perfect day.
I'm turning in and I'll watch some TV.
Then I'll pick up the phone and I'll say,
"Hello, love. How have you been feeling?
Oh yes, you know I've been missing you.
What's that you say? What have I been doing today?
Nothing much around here for me to do."

too raw, like telling a story to your best friend in high school. make this sound like a verse/song. 5/10

60%. but, ALOT of improvements can be made. strengthen the song structure, potray it more creatively, make more impact.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289069
so far, my latest posted song, its probrably in page 10 now, but just crit it if you want.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Thanks for your crit, I know that parts of the song are corny and yeah I want it to be uplifting but at the same time, I son't want it to be corny. Is there anyway I can prevent that? Also concerning the forced rhyming bit, are there any suggestion on how to make it read better, like word replacment suggestions? And one final question, how can I improve the last stanza? Thanks again.

[RyMac59]

Use a thesaurus to make it more full of good words. I liked it just because the first stanza reminded me of me, gods greatest creature. Owned

[Zoltar]

Pretty decent, with a few revision could be a lot better. revisions meaning two main things: 1. Work on the metaphors a bit 2.most of all, the reason I think it sounds kinda corny is that your using (dont really know how to put it but..) "little kid language"...What I mean is that you dont have any words in it that make it sound "seriouse", and you are often explaining the events in to much detail (remember one of the things that makes a song great trying to interpret the authors meaning of it)
Ill try to point out some of the things i mean....


Happiness'll be under my wings
And I'm gonna fly.
Nothing will take me down,
Once I take to the skies.


Id replace the work "happiness" here, mainly cause its too simple of a word. Dictionary.com is a great source for this as it has a thesaurause on it, which in my opinion is the main thing you could use. Also, parts of this song kinda reminds me of Tom Petty - "free falling" try listening to it and reading your work at the same time, and just listen to the words he uses to describe things...........thats it, more than anything else though just remember that this is my opinion, it is not yours, nor is it the right one, it is however your song, meaning its your call. hope this helps!
song as is - 6/10......songs potential 8.5/10

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Yeah I was pretty much trying to get my ideas down in a rough draft and then make revisions and such after I got a rough idea what was gonna be in my song, if that makes any sense. Thanks for the input, this really helps. Anyone else?

[Subliminal_Nirvana]

Nice Song ..kudos To You *sips Coffe*

[IOWNU200]

eh, some might say these are simple lyrics, but i don't care

It flows very nicely throughout the song and you did the rhymes pretty well i thought.

It's a nice little motivational anthem, you don't see many of them these days, I'm glad to see some happy stuff, a good break from all the depression. Anyways, good work and thanks for the crit on mine

[dracma]

i really liked your song , ^^ i agrre with almost everything he has said , 8/10

ps: thanx for critic mine dude!

[JMDavis07]

Thanks for your crit, I know that parts of the song are corny and yeah I want it to be uplifting but at the same time, I son't want it to be corny. Is there anyway I can prevent that? Also concerning the forced rhyming bit, are there any suggestion on how to make it read better, like word replacment suggestions? And one final question, how can I improve the last stanza? Thanks again. I don't know much about songwriting or anything but I think that you have alot of talent. I like it.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Thanks for the comments. Keep the useful suggestions coming.

[|Demosthenes|]

The first sound of the morning
Is voices by my bed,
Talking about politics
As I slowly lift my head.
I shuffle into the bathroom,
Look at the mirror and see
Truly what is God's finest creation
Smiling right back at me.

nice, i like it

This is gonna be the start of something good,
I'll just see what comes my way.
This is gonna be the start of something new,
Everything will be okay.
Euphoria is under my wings
And I'm gonna fly.
Nothing will take me down,
Once I take to the skies.
This is gonna be the start of something good,
I'll just see what comes my way.

i like it.... very good metaphor, relly adds mening to it

The sun is shining brightly,
I'll go on a promenade
To marvel at the beauty of nature,
And join the masquerade.
Maybe I'll go to the beach
And walk in my bare feet.
I won't hide from the sun
I'll just enjoy the heat.

kinda corny, but i liked it anyhow ;)

This is gonna be the start of something great,
Nothing's gonna stop me today.
This is gonna be the start of something fine,
Good bye, skies of grey.
Euphoria is under my wings
And I'm gonna fly.
Nothing will bring me down,
I will be so high.

i like how it is like kind or re-phrasing an earir verse, but it is different :)

Everything has been coming up roses,
The perfect end to a perfect day.
I'm turning in and I'll watch some TV.
Then I'll pick up the phone and I'll say,
"Hello, love. How have you been feeling?
Oh yes, you know I've been missing you.
What's that you say? What have I been doing today?
Nothing much around here for me to do."

i dont like any part of this below the 1st line...


overall, i thougt it was a good lyric :D i had a few things that you could have changed, and i think that it is much better than what you had before, so it is getting better alot (i saw an eairl vertion of the lyric in the second post....)


:thumb: 8.5/10 :D

[SickoKid]

The first sound of the morning
Is voices by my bed,
Talking about politics
As I slowly lift my head.
I shuffle into the bathroom,
Look at the mirror and see
Truly what is God's finest creation
Smiling right back at me.

I'm glad that your doing a happy song, for once on this board a song about self-loathing. Anyways, on with the song. Lovely first verse. I'm happy already. Not much cons here, but maybe a wider vocabulary and more imagery. 7/10

This is gonna be the start of something good,
I'll just see what comes my way.
This is gonna be the start of something new,
Everything will be okay.
Euphoria is under my wings
And I'm gonna fly.
Nothing will take me down,
Once I take to the skies.

Nicely done again, although I think you could get into more detail and include more feelings and emotions into it. As the first poster said, go all the way with your writing. Don't hold back. 7/10

The sun is shining brightly,
I'll go on a promenade
To marvel at the beauty of nature,
And join the masquerade.
Maybe I'll go to the beach
And walk in my bare feet.
I won't hide from the sun
I'll just enjoy the heat.

I like this verse the best so far. Your including more detail in your descriptions, and capture the image fairly well. 7.5/10

This is gonna be the start of something great,
Nothing's gonna stop me today.
This is gonna be the start of something fine,
Good bye, skies of grey.
Euphoria is under my wings
And I'm gonna fly.
Nothing will bring me down,
I will be so high.

Pretty much the same as the other chorus, just a few touch-ups, which seem to work pretty well. 7/10

Everything has been coming up roses,
The perfect end to a perfect day.
I'm turning in and I'll watch some TV.
Then I'll pick up the phone and I'll say,
"Hello, love. How have you been feeling?
Oh yes, you know I've been missing you.
What's that you say? What have I been doing today?
Nothing much around here for me to do."

Hmmm, I don't seem to like this verse. The whole talking on the phone thing, doesn't suit the flow of the song. The first 2 lines are really well done though. I think you need to rewrite this verse besides the first two lines.5/10

Overall, you did a pretty good job to make a happy song. It was pretty up-lifting and I know where your coming from. However the last verse really ruined the song, I thought that the song should end on a GREAT, HAPPY, GLOWING moment, but this was a bit of let down. I'm sorry if I seem to harsh, but that's just how I feel about it. The whole song I give around 70% not including the last verse.

PS: Could you please crit mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=295128
Thanks a lot.

[estel]

A positive piece makes a nice change to the usual style here, but I still prefer negative music. :D

I don't mind the ending to the song. It provides contrast to the more narrative stanzas earlier on.
I disagree with SickoKid that it needs to end on some outstanding moment. I think the fact that it shows a fairly mundane moment (and even having nothing to do) but you're still happy and uplifted really shows optimism.
None of the rhyme sounds too forced, which is often hard to avoid, but you do well.

I have a song out there called Executioner if you don't mind taking a look.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Thanks for your mixed input lol. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can change the last stanza but still try to keep everyone happy? I kinda understand where people are coming from when they say that it seems to ruin the whole song. So if anyone knows how I can change it a bit to make it suit the song better then suggestions are always welcome. Thanks again and I will get around to your crits soon.

[some.ragdoll]

made me smile. heh heh, nice.

[ItsaBADRELIGION]

definately a pretty cool song. 8.6/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

This is a great piece, you should make it shorter. Other than that, I Don't see much else wrong with it. Right now, I say it's 8/10 just cuz it's too long.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Wasn't that helpful? No, I didn't think so either.

[Zero Peace]

nice change of pace. no death depression and destruction is definetly a good thing. it can be hard to write positive songs that dont sound corny but you did really good. i like your style of writing and think this is a great song. 9/10

[solidsnake3725]

I agree with Zero Peace
Not depressing really

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

You want it shorter? Well if so then would it kill aynone if I eliminated the last stanza since it's my weakest, according to you guys? If you guys want a different stanza wiped out in instead then let me know about it. I'll give you 1 day, if no one says otherwise then the last stanza is gonna be gone. Also if you guys have any other suggestions, feel free to let me know. Thanks to all your input.

[Zero Peace]

i wouldnt complain if you took out the last stanza and ill agree that its your weakest. but i dont think i would change anything else. its a good song and as i said before i like the change to the positive.

[Silverhammer]

nice song, very positive and a change from what's mostly here. sorry it took so long ot get the crit, but here it is. My changes are in bold.

The first sound of the morning
Is voices by my bed,
Talking about politics
As I slowly lift my head.
I shuffle into the bathroom,
Look at the mirror and see
Truly what is God's finest creation
Smiling right back at me.

The first sound of the morning
Are voices by my bed,
Talking about politics
As I slowly lift my head,
shuffle into the bathroom,
And look at the mirror to see
Truly God's finest creation
Smiling right back at me.

i don't get the second to last line's purpose in this stanza and it's place in the song as a whole or the third's, but i do like the narrative line where you describe the actions of getting out of bed and such.

This is gonna be the start of something good,
I'll just see what comes my way.
This is gonna be the start of something new,
Everything will be okay.
Euphoria is under my wings
And I'm gonna fly.
Nothing will take me down,
Once I take to the skies.

nothing to change here, but it doesn't get a hold of me in anyway, not to be mean, but this stanza doesn't invoked or conjure any feeling, but i really shouldn't say b/c i can't think of anything better to replace it with.


The sun is shining brightly,
I'll go on a promenade
To marvel at the beauty of nature,
And join the masquerade.
Maybe I'll go to the beach
And walk in my bare feet.
I won't hide from the sun
I'll just enjoy the heat.


The sun is shining brightly,
I'll take a promenade
To be beside the beauty of nature,
And join the masquerade.
Maybe go down to the beach
walk bare foot by the bay
won't seek shelter from the sun
I'll welcome every ray

This is gonna be the start of something great,
Nothing's gonna stop me today.
This is gonna be the start of something fine,
Good bye, skies of grey.
Euphoria is under my wings
And I'm gonna fly.
Nothing will bring me down,
I will be so high.

something about this stanza that makes the whole song lack the potential of becoming something big. when i read this, the last line sounds unfinished by using high for some reason. don't like this stanza too much, but i really don't know how to make it better. Overall, i like the path this song treads on, it's kind of wandering about in other directions but you keep a main idea which is good. i suggest you change these two stanzas which i believe are the chorus. the other two sound fine. with a some polishing and revisions this can soar to a higher rating 6.4/10 :thumb: