another song please crit!

[crush_my_dreams]

it's a little vague..maybe some improvements and name ideas..whatever you guys can give me..and let me know if you can understand the point of my song and what you think it is. thanks guys. i will crit yours if you let me know which one..for right now i just crit random ones hah. oh my name's lizzy by the way heh. <3

sighing because the horrible feeling
you wished it all along, it would happen
to him,so that you may have a chance
but never once was meant to curse him.
it happened anyway and it hurt him
the rejection for you meant a chance
but pain to others, in the long run
thinking into deep about this i
feel i was the most selfish, nieve
bitch in theory to everybody.

i feel i let down my friend
he's hurt in the way i wanted him to be
i wanted to be the one jumping
for joy when the love interest
disapproved him, but i guess i was
wrong. this is horrible. the guilt
buries itself in my stomach and the
acid in their wont dissolve it.
i'm only sixteen and nothing has came
true but only in this circumstances it has.

sympathy isn't the emotion i feel
jealously and guilt sucks and all i want
to do is comfort him,throw my arms
around him and show him how much i care
and let him know he's special and
everytime i look at his eyes, i shake
inside because he means that much.
now i'm ashamed i acted the way i did
and now i regret it, he's hurt
but he will never know my wish i asked for.

[darkskies ahead]

well im not sure these are lyrics or a poem it seems more like a song but I guess if that’s what your goin for than its good also if it’s a song I don’t think its got much flow as I worked out. Try to write shorter verses or choruses. Also don’t tell it like a story read many other songs before you start writing.

[Subliminal_Nirvana]

You are switching between abstract writing and story telling ..it dosent blend well ..listen to some songs find out how they flow ..then base yours upon it ..good thaught though

[jmusic4every]

too long....i don't feel like reading now but maybe later

[TerryThorne]

I really can't give you a 100% crit only due to the fact that every song/poem on here is depressing and uses twisted imagery and the like. Now everytime I look at one of these songs I only see that. With that out of my system, you should take out the "small" words and get some flow in it.


edit: I just really need to put that first part there because I was just getting irritated by the trend. Nothing against you.