Forever Gone'd

[RyMac59]

Forever Gone

I wander through the forest
just looking for my home
Its been 3 days and 3 nights
I fear I'm all alone
Traveling to the north now
Im running out of time
With each step i quicken
I pray my lady's fine

I don't know where I'm going
I don't know where I've been
Maybe if im lucky
I'll see my love again
No more writen word now
No more love passed on
Falling from reality
Now forever gone

And I will see you again
I won't give up just yet
I'll push on to the end
And I will see you again

A week has passed
I've run out of food
My life's flashed before me
I don't know what to do
I hunt for survival
With nothing but a stick
I've yet to catch a thing
The hunger makes me sick

I don't know where I'm going
I don't know where I've been
Maybe if im lucky
I'll see my love again
No more writen word now
No more love passed on
Falling from reality
Now forever gone

And I will see you again
I won't give up just yet
I'll push on to the end
And I will see you again

After 10 days pass
I see the city lights
And when i get to my home
Everything seems right
But I search throughout the whole house
Im surprised at what I see
The whole house is empty
You've gone searching for me

I don't know where you're going
I don't know where you've been
Maybe if im lucky
I'll see my love again
No more writen word now
No more love passed on
Falling from reality
Now forever gone




Commentsplzkthnxbye

This is really the first lyrics i've ever written, and I didn't write them all i had help from my band. But eyeah hit me with the suggestions.

[ace of spades]

Pretty good.... nice rhyming and idea... is this supposed to be taken literally or figuritively??

[RyMac59]

It's really just a story but you can take what you will from it.

[RyMac59]

Wow topics sink way fast here. Im sorry if bumping is illegal but I really think i need some critique on this

[darkskies ahead]

That was awesome. I like it, perfect and well no changes 9/10

[RyMac59]

Ah thank you, I cant wait to record it so i can show it off to music.

[|Demosthenes|]

oooooooooooooooooh good stuff :D i liked it a bunch, you told a good story thru the whole thing, and i thought the rymin was pretty cool, altho i usaly try not to write in scrict sceames, you did a good job with it! im sorry, but the only thing i would change is the reptive chours..... maby, use the sqame ryming pattern, and music, but try and change it... good job tho! :thumb: 8/10

please crit mine:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=293936
thanks............

[RyMac59]

I could try to change up the choruses a bit i reckon.

I usually feel like i have to make everything have a rhyme scheme. When i read poetry that doesnt rhyme i just dont get it.

[RyMac59]

bump


My apologies for that

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I thought it was pretty good. The story was told rather well, definately record this. 9/10 Good job.

PS Could you crit my song, Fly
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=294675

Thanks, cheers!

[RyMac59]

Sure thing Skip, Im glad everybody likes it but im really looking for criticism

[ABulldog]

Yeah that was good.
Since it was more of a story then I can't really make any suggestions to help you out with it.

Nice work for your first song... plus, you wrote it with other people and that is a hard thing to do.

8/10

here's mine if you don't mind
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6412590#post6412590

[RyMac59]

I dont, i return the favor.

The whole other thing was like, id write some, and they'd comment

[Mister Insanity]

If your looking for some critizism then i'll give some i guess.

Basically this is a story ... not a song ... not a poem. sure it has a chorus and such but still. Use more imagery, metaphors, simile's, maybe a motif would be nice for this one. It just adds a poetic feel to it.

Now i know that some song are written straight through, telling a story. I am just saying that to improve your writing I would try and do that instead.

[RyMac59]

Poetry has always been a weak point of mine. I'll try to add some more interesting stuff in there.... i think