lowercase everything

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Fly,
If you want to,
I won't be coming,
Home,
An illusion,
A place for us to grow.

Die,
If you feel,
Coz nothing else is worth dying,
For,
Love left nothing,
And hate can't offer more.

And I'm not angry,
I'm just passionate about nothing,
Can't you see,
It's all over,
Even the trees are losing green,
Black and white are grey.

Sing,
If you need to,
Is there anything to,
Say,
Run into a wall,
We've heard it all before.

Drink,
If it helps you,
A new song on the,
Cards,
Love and lust,
Are only food for empty hearts.

CHORUS

Solo

These days, these days,
They're overrated, and they're crazy,
Syncopated, out of phase,
Even hate has grown outdated,
The hazy past that knows we're fated,
To a life of lowercase,
To a world that stays the same.

CHORUS

[Electric Riley]

Tut tut, this song did not deliver. I see capital letters everywhere!

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Believe it or not, no-one can tell the difference when you're singing. Any crit on the actual SONG would be appreciated.

[Electric Riley]

You sure ask a lot. FINE!

Fly,
If you want to,
I won't be coming,
Home,
An illusion,
A place for us to grow.

Short but well written. The flow is odd, but it works. I imagine you singing very slowly. This verse is pure magic in terms of content, though perhaps it could have more direction.

Die,
If you feel,
Coz nothing else is worth dying,
For,
Love left nothing,
And hate can't offer more.

I dont like this verse as much. Please don't spell because like that. Last two lines are better, but the "dying" bit is a bit clichéd and... gloomy.

And I'm not angry,
I'm just passionate about nothing,
Can't you see,
It's all over,
Even the trees are losing green,
Black and white are grey.

I love the first 2 lines. Last 2 lines make little sense, however I can (just) see the images you disired to create. Work on it.

Sing,
If you need to,
Is there anything to,
Say,
Run into a wall,
We've heard it all before.

Back to teh good stuf. I love this verse.

Drink,
If you need to,
A new song on the,
Cards,
Love and lust,
Are only food for empty hearts.

Repetition of "if you need to" isn't great, but other than that, this is great. Perhaps change "cards", it just doesnt seem to fit.

CHORUS

Solo

These days, these days,
They're overrated, and they're crazy,
Syncopated, out of phase,
Even hate has grown outdated,
The hazy past that shows we're fated,
To a life of lowercase,
To a world that stays the same.

Pretty good. First 2 lines need work, but 3rd is fabtastic.

CHORUS


This is all great. Try to stick to the topic more, and have direction and meaning. Needs a few touch-ups, but nothing major. I would love to hear a recording of this song... If possible. 8.8/10. Good work :thumb:

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Thanks a lot. Anything I can crit of yours in return? The song is about the mediocrity of society (that term cracks me up). Basically, how everything to write about has already been done and overkilled, if you know what I mean.

I can see what you mean about the flow appearing to not make sense, but the lines run into each other... Like,
"Drink, if you want to, a new song on the cards,
Love and lust only food for empty hearts."
I just typed it out like that because the "Drink" and "Cards" are accented as they are LIKE the first line of each song.

Please don't spell because like that
I'm not using the entire "because." Just the "cause" part, which looks like the noun or verb "cause." It's just easy - nasty habit, I guess.

Thanks for the crit. If I record it, I'll get you an mp3...

[BlacklightGuitarist]

bump

[Jonahtan]

Fly,
If you want to,
I won't be coming,
Home,
An illusion,
A place for us to grow.

Cool intro and well wrtten, saddly, because of the first two lines, at first reminded me of that hillary duff song "fly" but as i read on i wasn't reminded of it anymore

Die,
If you feel,
Coz nothing else is worth dying,
For,
Love left nothing,
And hate can't offer more.

Fits perfectly withfirst verse/stanza's flow and structure. Good message.

And I'm not angry,
I'm just passionate about nothing,
Can't you see,
It's all over,
Even the trees are losing green,
Black and white are grey.

Not a bad chorus, cool analogy in the last two lines, interesting message and idea.

Sing,
If you need to,
Is there anything to,
Say,
Run into a wall,
We've heard it all before.

Drink,
If it helps you,
A new song on the,
Cards,
Love and lust,
Are only food for empty hearts.

the "is there anything to,
say,
run into a wall" part confused me. I'm not quite sure what you meant.

These days, these days,
They're overrated, and they're crazy,
Syncopated, out of phase,
Even hate has grown outdated,
The hazy past that shows we're fated,
To a life of lowercase,
To a world that stays the same.

I think the first line could be worked on a little, is this part spoken verse style? That'd be cool. I would also like to hear an MP3 of this. I think it would make a great song. I would rate it 8.5/10 but it could be higher with a little re-phrasing.

If you dont mind you could return crit mu poem "the human stain"

[xKONRADx]

i always like reading your stuff. i dont know exactly how i should be singing this in my head, but if you have that part worked out then i think its all good. seriously i read if a few times, but theres nothign i would change (considering that you know the sound you want and can sing this) sweeeet.

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Yeah, well, as I said on my Neon post, I've been going over some of my other stuff, and realised that a lot of it was VERY lyric based, and sometimes to the cost of the song. In fact, quite a lot of the songs I have written have to be rewritten, because the lyrics didn't fit well with the music... This is more melody-orientated. Thanks for the crit.

[BlacklightGuitarist]

bump.

[Fading_star]

Believe it or not, no-one can tell the difference when you're singing. Any crit on the actual SONG would be appreciated.

Why is it you put some parts in bold and other parts in Italic? Seems quite pointless.

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Instead of writing "chorus" or "interlude," I use bold or italics. But I appreciate you leaving this completely useless post on my thread. I mean, you wouldn't be here to crit the song or anything... Good one.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Good song, although the sturcture (IMO) seems to hurt to flow. Perhaps organize the structure a little better, arrange it with amount of syllables per line. Maybe it works with your melody but I just find it a little weird. Fine work but needs more revisions. 7/10

PS Could you crit my song, Fly?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=294675
Thanks, cheers!

[Sloth]

Well I can't NOT read your stuff...

Fly,
If you want to,
I won't be coming,
Home,
An illusion,
A place for us to grow.
nice idea so far.. I like how you connect the two ideas like that


Die,
If you feel,
Coz nothing else is worth dying,
For,
Love left nothing,
And hate can't offer more. same response "/\"


And I'm not angry,
I'm just passionate about nothing,
Can't you see,
It's all over,
Even the trees are losing green,
Black and white are grey. can't complain



Sing,
If you need to,
Is there anything to,
Say,
Run into a wall,
We've heard it all before. "/\" this one doesn't stand out as much as the other ones....


Drink,
If it helps you,
A new song on the,
Cards,
Love and lust,
Are only food for empty hearts. I really like this stanza/verse... great


These days, these days,
They're overrated, and they're crazy,
Syncopated, out of phase,
Even hate has grown outdated,
The hazy past that knows we're fated,
To a life of lowercase,
To a world that stays the same The life in lowercase is a sweet idea...


Overall, I like it a lot. In the end, I can "connect" with this, but at the same time, I am numb.. Maybe it's cause I'm listening to The Postal Service.. I don't know

Props Andy

[SickoKid]

You wouldn't happen to like the song 'The End Of The World' by the The Cure would you?

[Zero Peace]

its a good song, i like it but the flow is kind of wierd. id have to hear it in order to tell if it works or not. i definitly like the stanza at the end "to a life of lowercase". great line. i also like the "Even hate is overrated". definetly true. Good song. ill give it a 8/10.

[Fading_star]

Instead of writing "chorus" or "interlude," I use bold or italics. But I appreciate you leaving this completely useless post on my thread. I mean, you wouldn't be here to crit the song or anything... Good one.

True, I stopped bothering to read the songs on hear along time ago, when I realised how pretentious most of the writers in this forum are, but still I'm giving your thread a bump to make up for it.