Neon

[BlacklightGuitarist]

I haven't been around for a while, because I've been super busy with work, eating, sleeping, and the occasional run to the toilet. And in the few moments I've had to laughingly call my "spare time," I've been refining my earlier work, sorting out the good from the utterly useless. So if I've lost my momentum and this is crap, my apologies. Also, I'd like this to be judged on lyrics, and not slammed because it's another bloody song about a girl...
Peace,
Andy


Neon
Andy J Thomas

The sunkissed waves have lost their shine,
Memory bittersweet and serpentine,
The sunset colours only fade,
Into a photo of your face,
That won't erase out of my mind.

Glowing mountains glaring at the dawn,
Condemn the picture they have drawn,
They left the life out of your eyes,
They left the light out of your life,
Paralysed by metaphor.

And you want it to last,
But it won't.
The days, they could stretch,
But they don't.
Rainy days still separate and confiscate the summer of my heart

And you're neon

The northern lights cannot compare,
Your golden eyes, my solar flare,
The life that dances deep within,
The song that no-one dares to sing,
When bright is dim, and nothing's clear.

The stars that glisten just for you,
A song that sings itself into,
A memory that glows anew,
A masterpiece so beautiful,
Your face is painted in the sky.

Prechorus

Chorus

Solo

And you're neon,
Lighting the sky, like the stars,
Glowing in the waves, like the phospherence you are.
Like a book without an end,
And those summer days again,
As the streets of grace you paved, in the realms of our pretend.
They we'll never dare to face,
In this faceless age of grace,
Like the promises you gave that disappear without a trace.
And your neon light leads the way.

[BlacklightGuitarist]

bump.

[Jonahtan]

The sunkissed waves have lost their shine,
Memory bittersweet and serpentine,
The sunset colours only fade,
Into a photo of your face,
That won't erase out of my mind.

Very cool intro. It woulda kinda been cool to say "memory bittersweet like turpentine" but its good as it is really. Actually i really like this verse.

Glowing mountains glaring at the dawn,
Condemn the picture they have drawn,
They left the life out of your eyes,
They left the light out of your life,
Paralysed by metaphor.

Sh*t man this one's great too!The third and fourth lines are jems man, brilliant wording. The only qualm i have with it is maybe the last line. But i cant put my finger on what's wrong with it...

And you want it to last,
But it won't.
The days, they could stretch,
But they don't.
Rainy days still separate and confiscate the summer of my heart

Good flow and metaphors. Nothing wrong here. Nice rhyme.


The northern lights cannot compare,
Your golden eyes, my solar flare,
The life that dances deep within,
The song that no-one dares to sing,
When bright is dim, and nothing's clear.

I like how each verse starts with a rhyme bu the rest isn;t rhyming. It reminds me of how Jeff Buckley wrote lyrics. Umm, this verse is also great. I really like the imagery.

The stars that glisten just for you,
A song that sings itself into,
A memory that glows anew,
A masterpiece so beautiful,
Your face is painted in the sky.

Haha, i feel bad because i dont really have anything to critique on. There is good flow with the 3 rhymes in a row but it contrasts the pattern you had previously set up. It does sound good tho.

And you're neon,
Lighting the sky, like the stars,
Glowing in the waves, like the phospherence you are.
Like a book without an end,
And those summer days again,
As the streets of grace you paved, in the realms of our pretend.
They we'll never dare to face,
In this faceless age of grace,
Like the promises you gave that disappear without a trace.
And your neon light leads the way.

Cool outro. Went a little overboard with the rhymes, it all works for me tho.

Id say at least 9.25/10. Great song

Please crit my poem "The human Stain" if you dont mind

[Subliminal_Nirvana]

Good Song ..I like the style..interesting rhyme scheme..i'd love to hear it played

[Jonahtan]

this should be getting more attention

[Sloth]

HOLY CRAP!!!!
BlackLight!!!!
You're back!!!
haha.. crazy.. Good to see you again

ok, sorry.. to your song.


The sunkissed waves have lost their shine,
Memory bittersweet and serpentine,
The sunset colours only fade,
Into a photo of your face,
That won't erase out of my mind. I like all of this except for the last line, it feels off.. solid start though


Glowing mountains glaring at the dawn,
Condemn the picture they have drawn,
They left the life out of your eyes,
They left the light out of your life,
Paralysed by metaphor. ha.. awesome.


And you want it to last,
But it won't.
The days, they could stretch,
But they don't.
Rainy days still separate and confiscate the summer of my heart

And you're neon gret flow


The northern lights cannot compare,
Your golden eyes, my solar flare,
The life that dances deep within,
The song that no-one dares to sing,
When bright is dim, and nothing's clear. what can I say man?


The stars that glisten just for you,
A song that sings itself into,
A memory that glows anew,
A masterpiece so beautiful,
Your face is painted in the sky. this is good...but the last two lines don't fit.. with the rhyme scheme you had going, beautiful and sky just interrupt it.. AND I can't spell.


And you're neon,
Lighting the sky, like the stars,
Glowing in the waves, like the phospherence you are.
Like a book without an end,
And those summer days again,
As the streets of grace you paved, in the realms of our pretend.
They we'll never dare to face,
In this faceless age of grace,
Like the promises you gave that disappear without a trace.
And your neon light leads the way. I love these bold parts you put at the end of everything.. They're the best part (usually).


What can I say Andy? Your writing resonates with me...

Keep writing.. .. ..Keep POSTING.. .. ..Keep on keepin' on

[mojoman0]

yeah really, awesome poem..loved it. keep it up!

[smelnykthebassist]

this rocks. the verses tend to be a little choppy at times but then again, thats most likely because i have a different tune stuck in my head. I love the chorus man, i wouldnt change a thing in the chorus.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I love your writing style. This piece is great, flows nice and good use of vocalbulary. ^^ I also think some parts are a little off but this could also be due to a different tune in my head as well, but if it works for you.... Absolutely nothing to change, keep up the good work. 9/10

PS Could you crit my song Fly?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=294675
Thanks, cheers!

[ItsaBADRELIGION]

Nice piece. excellent word play and great vocab 9.5/10