Love Is...

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I know I haven't been good about returning crits lately, but I'm gonna return all of them for this one.

Ben Stivers
1/25/05
Love Is...

Soaked in mourning dew,
With twenty hours
Plus four times forever,
To forget all about it.

Inside these blue walls,
They stay the same while we changed.
Holding onto the weight of our decisions,
In light of the mistakes.

Flash to ten minutes before I broke this,
Seal my lips.
Not to let a single false word escape.

Resting in a cotton coffin,
Choking on the scent of salty tears,
And air that feels so cold without you.
I inhale a chilling breath.

Love is...
A scream that you can't hear.

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Soaked in mourning dew,
With twenty hours
Plus four times forever,
To forget all about it.
While I layed awake,
You wept to yourself,
"I made the mistake."

I didn't like the last line, because a quote doesn't really fit with the rest of the verse.

Flash to ten minutes before I broke this,
Seal my lips.
Not let a single false word escape.

Sleep inside a cotton coffin,
Choke on the scent of salty tears.
I'll do the same, and I'll exhale.

Love is...
A scream that you can't hear.

All this is good stuff.

With the exception of the last line, I really liked this piece. Nice job.
Peace,
Andy

[espf-250htd06]

Soaked in mourning dew,
With twenty hours
Plus four times forever,
To forget all about it.
While I layed awake,
You wept to yourself,
"I made the mistake."

Flash to ten minutes before I broke this,
Seal my lips.
Not let a single false word escape.

Sleep inside a cotton coffin,
Choke on the scent of salty tears.
I'll do the same, and I'll exhale.

Love is...
A scream that you can't hear.


idk the whole thing comes off as very simple writing with a bigger meaning i think i get it so ill crit ya but iam not sure i like the first verse alot very descriptive and the middle is decent i really didnt like the ending i like for a poem/song to sum it up and this really didnt do that overall 8/10 check out my song a life lesson thanks cya

[Accentopus]

Soaked in mourning dew,
With twenty hours
Plus four times forever,
To forget all about it.
While I layed awake,
You wept to yourself,
"I made the mistake."

A good opening. First lines not specific to the theme, opening up a wide array of options, and creating interest. "Plus four times forever" seems different to the rest. I don't entirely understand this. The structure is unusual, which i think suits the piece. The 5th and 6th lines could indicate the different ways in which gender has an affect on love?
8/10

Flash to ten minutes before I broke this,
Seal my lips.
Not let a single false word escape.

Very good. The change back into the past works effectively. Shows the regrets of love, etc. The regret is clear, which is effective within this context. "Seal my lips", a strong way of expressing love through lack of argument, when damage has previously been done. I like this. Again, unusual structure
9/10

Sleep inside a cotton coffin,
Choke on the scent of salty tears.
I'll do the same, and I'll exhale.

Again, good. Cotton coffin could be looking into. In that regret and love expressed through the soft, delicate texture of cotton. Also coffin....quite isloated, which could be implied of the subject. "I'll do the same, and i'll exhale". Possibly showing sorrow, yet "i'll exhale" shows clear signs of life, whereas the previous line doesn't show this.
8/10

Love is...
A scream that you can't hear.

Relating to the title, a good ending. Although this last line could be woven into the rest of the piece. A scream that you can't hear, implies you can not do anything, as the sound can't be heard? If so this is a good ending. Sorry if I missed anything or got anything wrong. Overall, 8/10

Chris

[xKONRADx]

i thought it used to be longer?

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

^---um, nope, but ive edited a lot now

[xKONRADx]

oh
makes sense. not too much to work with, but thats good. if it were long, it would seem cliche. this lenght allows it to be pretty heavy and not too bad at the same time.

[crush_my_dreams]

hmm i like but i suggest listening to the people who editted it..great improvements..but however its up to you what you decide to do.
otherwise 7/10
<3

[Subliminal_Nirvana]

8/10 go with improvments but keep your style

[TerryThorne]

the line "not let a single false word slip" really gets me. I know exactly what you're going for. ( I think.)

[estel]

As usual, you've written a really fantastic piece.

For a short song, the meaning is evident, and not at all too limited. All of the imagery is great - so much meaning extracted from such short passages.

The only change I would make would be to change 'And air that feels so cold without you' back to 'I'll do the same, and I'll exhale'
I think the feel of the original line fits better (at least in my mind)

All up - a great piece.

EDIT - If you wouldn't mind critiquing my piece
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=294780

[Fading_star]

Seemed like you were trying to hard to make metaphors when you weren't even sure what it is that you were trying to say. Still due to the simplicity of the lyrics you could probably cover up the lack of content with the music.

[IOWNU200]

I don't know, but for some reason i wasn't a huge fan of this. The writing isn't horrible or anything, I guess I just didn't really connect with it. The middle two stanzas need some attention i think:

Inside these blue walls,
They stay the same while we changed.
Vast as the sky,
Unforgiving as the sea.

These seems to have an odd flow. I'd shorten the second line. I also don't like you're imagery in the last two lines. I know you could come up with something better.

Flash to ten minutes before I broke this,
Seal my lips.
Not to let a single false word escape.

The way you worded this made it awkward. Try fooling around with the words so that it looks more natural.

The rest was pretty good actually. I like your last line alot.

If you could check out mine it'd be appreciated: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=294130

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Seemed like you were trying to hard to make metaphors when you weren't even sure what it is that you were trying to say. Still due to the simplicity of the lyrics you could probably cover up the lack of content with the music.

Yeah, I can tell that you understood it :rolleyes: .

thanks anyway

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

This is a great piece, you should make it longer. Other than that, I Don't see much else wrong with it. Right now, I say it's 8/10 just cuz it's too short.

PS Could you crit my song, Fly?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=294675
Thanks, cheers!

[some.ragdoll]

i like it, an original perspective. thought it was gunna be another ****ty love song, but it aint. Groovy :)

[espf-250htd06]

i would also like a return crit thanks cya lata

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=293365

[ABulldog]

I know I haven't been good about returning crits lately, but I'm gonna return all of them for this one.

Ben Stivers
1/25/05
Love Is...

Soaked in mourning dew,
With twenty hours
Plus four times forever,
To forget all about it.

four times forever is still forever.

Inside these blue walls,
They stay the same while we changed.
Vast as the sky,
Unforgiving as the sea.

nice imagery here

Flash to ten minutes before I broke this,
Seal my lips.
Not to let a single false word escape.

why did it go from four lines for two verses down to three.

Resting in a cotton coffin,
Choking on the scent of salty tears,
And air that feels so cold without you.

Love is...
A scream that you can't hear.

WHAT. Yeah I still don't know what love is. It is a good poem though.... i think.... I didn't understand all the imagery, but I am sure it probably makes sense. Maybe I am just too **** tired to think.

9.5/10


here's my song
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=294984

[IOWNU200]

Congradulations on your 1,000th post^ :)

Also demands return crit :evil:

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

/gets his crit on

yeah i know that was a horrible bump

[Sandtrap]

would flow better if it rhymed.........

[SickoKid]

Love Is...

Soaked in mourning dew,
With twenty hours
Plus four times forever,
To forget all about it.

This verse is rather straight to the point, but you have also included some imagery which sets the scene for the rest of the song. It's a pretty interesting first verse and therefore kind of sucks you in and makes you want to listen to more of what the song is about. However the 'Plus four times forever' line seems a bit out of place for me, but if it works for you then it's all good. 7.5/10

Inside these blue walls,
They stay the same while we changed.
Vast as the sky,
Unforgiving as the sea.

Another pretty good verse. Including a bit more imagery and metaphors into your piece, which really gives a great feel about it. I can't really say much bad stuff about this verse. Good Job. 7.5/10

Flash to ten minutes before I broke this,
Seal my lips.
Not to let a single false word escape.

Decent verse, not as good as the other ones. Maybe a bit too short or lack of imagery and metaphors bring it down compared to the other verse, but it's still good. 7/10

Resting in a cotton coffin,
Choking on the scent of salty tears,
And air that feels so cold without you.

Ahh, I really like this verse. Kind of different to the others. I really like the alliteration with 'cotton coffin' and the imagery of the verse really uplifts it. 8/10

Love is...
A scream that you can't hear.

Great way to end the piece. Relating back to the title and bringing it into a great end. It kind of sums up the whole song in a few words, which is great 7.5/10

Overall, I would give this maybe 7-8/10 I thought you could bring a bit more length into it, with the same flow/ideas/imagery and that could maybe bring it up a notch. But either way, great job!

PS: Do you think you could crit mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=295128
Thanks a lot