Dependant on the sun

[IOWNU200]

Alright, here's my latest song, hope you enjoy. I'll return all crits

Verse 1


Brisk air surrounds the calming atmosphere
As a secluded child sheds his first tear
Lying on the ground, my body feels cold
but the sun beat down warmth on my soul

Things got worse, but I began to feel better
but you're a blanket against the chill
I'll lie out in the sun, regardless of the temperature outside
For no matter how cold, in your warmth i can confide

Verse 2

What strength you must posess, to help me when I fall
Of all the life in the world, you direct your heat at me
And you give back what you were never shown
Now giving me a feeling that i have never known

The days of happiness and bliss are gone
but disapointment lingers far from here
sun light shining through the dark is better than the day
Content with my disposition when I realize you lead the way

Chrous

If the sun burnt out, so would I
because it gets me through this life
and if i could somehow fuel the sun
I would give everything that I had

Bridge

So I'll say please keep shining strong
For the cold waits to envelop me
If you'd ever let off your guard

Outro

Living through your light
and tracing myself to you
seeing all you do for me
becoming dependant on the sun

Order: Verse 1, Chorus, Verse 2, instumental, chorus, bridge, chorus, outro

[Floydfanatic]

Brisk air surrounds the calming atmosphere
As a secluded child sheds his first tear
Lying on the ground, the body feels cold
but the sun continued to beat down warmth

nice imagry. very nice... 4/5

Things got worse, but he began to feel better
I guess you alone is worth more than anything
I'll lie out in the sun, regardless of the temperature outside
For no matter how cold, in your warmth i can confide

i don't understand the second line... like structure wise.. it sounds funny... 3/5

What strength you must posess, to help me when I fall
Of all the life in the world, you direct your heat at me
And you give back what you were never shown
Now giving me a feeling that i have never known

nice... nothing wrong here 4/5

The days of happiness and bliss are gone
but disapointment lingers far from here
sun light shining through the dark is better than the day
Content with my disposition when I realize you lead the way

first line is very cliche... i even used it in one of my old songs lol... 3.5/5

If the sun burnt out, so would I
because it gets me through this life
and if i could somehow give it fuel
I would give everything that I had

i like this a lot 5/5

So I'll say please keep shining strong
For the cold wait to envelop me
If you'd ever let off your guard

i like this a lot as well 5/5

Living through your light
and tracing myself to you
realizing all you've done for me
finding a dependancy on the sun

i don't like this stanza.. it just is sort of boring... 2/5

very nice work... i think you should ditch the last stanza.. i give it a 4/5...

please crit mine, paintings :)

[IOWNU200]

hah, we crit each other at thes ame time practically

[Floydfanatic]

yeah lol.

[Jonahtan]

Brisk air surrounds the calming atmosphere
As a secluded child sheds his first tear
Lying on the ground, the body feels cold
but the sun continued to beat down warmth

Very good imagery, a strong introduction. maybe say "lying on the ground his body feels cold" but i dunno.

I agree with FloydFanatic on the second line of your verse. It is out of place, maybe a mistake when writing it into computer format, a missing word or somethin.

Id say 8/10, good imagery, teme, and flows well.

Please crit my poem "The Human Stain" if you dont mind

[smelnykthebassist]

i like it. 9/10. great flow, great use of diction, and the topic is nicely defined with good subtlety

[IOWNU200]

thanks for the crits, anyone else?

[IOWNU200]

bump

[IOWNU200]

can i get a few more?

[Subliminal_Nirvana]

I enjoyed it ..intersting flow ..at first i thaught it to be akward but by the end it surprised me and blended nicley ...8/10 great song

[ABulldog]

The words are good, but it seemed like you just told a story rather than written a song. I didn't see a chorus either.

The first four verses are noticably longer than the last three. That may make trouble when you put this to music, if you haven't already.

Good work though.

8/10

here's mine
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6412590#post6412590

[IOWNU200]

thanks, i'll get to yours

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I loved this piece, you always turn out nice stuff. Great imagery established in the first stanza and you kept your piece strong throughout with excellent writing. 9.5/10 Awesome job!

PS Could you crit my song, Fly?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=294675
Thanks, cheers!

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Brisk air surrounds the calming atmosphere
As a secluded child sheds his first tear
Lying on the ground, my body feels cold
but the sun beat down warmth on my soul

--These words that sound like they rhyme, but really dont, end up hurting the piece over all. It was just like, buh duh buh duh buh duh. You also shift focus from a child and the atmosphere to yourself. If you are going to do a song that refers to the world around you or a different situation, dont incorporate yourself, unless it's done subtly and very well. The same goes for the opposite. Pick a viewpoint and write from it.

Things got worse, but I began to feel better
but you're a blanket against the chill
I'll lie out in the sun, regardless of the temperature outside
For no matter how cold, in your warmth i can confide

--Those lines toward the end got too wordy. You also shift focus again, but adding now another person, possible the antagonist in your little story. It feels sappy towards the end of this stanza too.

What strength you must posess, to help me when I fall
Of all the life in the world, you direct your heat at me
And you give back what you were never shown
Now giving me a feeling that i have never known

--Keep a focus, stop making cheesy lines, this was working until you just made all these throwaway stanzas. Your piece is really declining in quality, and has little if any flow or rhythm.

The days of happiness and bliss are gone
but disapointment lingers far from here
sun light shining through the dark is better than the day
Content with my disposition when I realize you lead the way

--Um... bad, sorry.

Chrous

If the sun burnt out, so would I
because it gets me through this life
and if i could somehow fuel the sun
I would give everything that I had

--Too much focus on yourself, you've completely removed everything again, and you've probably used the word sun about 10 times by now. More thought man, more thought.

Bridge

So I'll say please keep shining strong
For the cold waits to envelop me
If you'd ever let off your guard

--Errr, doesn't make sense.

Outro

Living through your light
and tracing myself to you
seeing all you do for me
becoming dependant on the sun

--Not a very good way to wrap up the song that probably should have ended after the 3rd stanza. By the time you got here the whole piece felt diminished into mindless drivel, using constant references to the sun and heat and light.

Ouch.
2/10

[IOWNU200]

that was....degrading

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Sorry, I tried to offer up some advice, without being too harsh. Guess that didn't work to well.

Sorry :(.

[IOWNU200]

hah, i'm just kdding, i'm trying to re-think it though, any suggestions on how to get rid of the first two lines, that should keep the POV solid throughout, i just liked those first two lines alot

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

If you liked them, try rewriting another song based completely around them, that way they aren't wasted, but you can give another shot at staying on topic.