sweet soul

[Foursticks]

this songs about how i guess before i had my girlfriend i wasnt as happy as i am now and she makes me happy

Verse 1
i was just as low
as anyone could go
until a sweet soul came
into my life and said

Chorus(short)
follow me down the river
and over the mountain
ill spray my fountain of love for you

Verse 2
i did what she said
a gust of seductive air through my head
i knew that the fox was gone
i knew i had the chance
to rid the monkey upon my back
so i went up to her and said

Chorus(long)
follow me down the river
and over the mountain
ill spray my fountain of love for you
so come down the water
cimb up the mountain
bathe in the fountain with me

Bridge
with me
take this trp with me

Chorus

the end

this is my first song in like song format...and feedback would help
thanks

[smelnykthebassist]

6/10

I like your idea. Its a good idea. Your chorus was not bad in my opinion. Your verses werent that great. the content was fine, but the way you worded them could be better

"A gust of seductive air through my head"

this is a long line and its amongst a bunch of shorter lines. syllable wise i mean. Maybe reword it so its a little shorter

for example "seductive air, through my head"

otherwise, keep up the good work.