but you just brush him by

[|Demosthenes|]

all crits are wealcome, crit for a crit as soon as i can!
EDIT: 'k i fixed it.. the bold are the changes iv made
EDIT: ok, i fixed ot up agin


[Verse 1]
A man walking down the street,
Withdrawn and discreet,
One in a million
Minions of our own society

You haven’t given him a thought,
Haven’t look into his life
Haven’t seen his lonely years,
Haven’t heard all the thoughts
Whispering between his ears

You flee his helpless glance
You don’t look into those eyes.
Of pain sorrow and grief,
You just pass him by

[Chorus]
Do you even know him?
Of his painful past
Of his forgotten love
Of his wasted life?

[Verse 2]
You don’t want to see,
You only want to heed
The standards of society

Just leave him, like you always do
Don’t see him
Blame the world,
On all that’s happened to you

[Chorus]
Blame the world
Mock the poor
Take everything,
And ask for more

[Verse 3]
This one man
Asks you for a penny
Ask for a second of your life,
But you just brush him by

you just brush him by
and leave him on the streets
dont help him with his life
think of his as a dissise

[Chorus]
you could help,
but you just brush him by
You cut in front
Of the line of life

But you don’t,
And that’s the bottom line,
He wants a life to live,
And you just brush him by

Without a single thought in your head

[Sgt._Joker]

Haven’t look into his eyes *Looked*

great song other then that^^^ i see nothing wrong with it,

Bit to long think about cutting off 1 or 2 verses

8/10 :D

[metalswimmer]

good piece needs convention though, and a sort of scheme to set it to a rythym, but a good start 7/10

[smelnykthebassist]

all crits are wealcome, crit for a crit as soon as i can!

[Verse 1]
A man walking down the street,
Withdrawn and discreet,
One in a million
Minions of our own society

I like it

You haven’t given him a thought,
Haven’t look into his eyes
Haven’t seen his lonely years,
Haven’t heard all the thoughts
Whispering between his ears

Nor do you help him with his load
Give help or bestow
Any thoughts of love,
You only brush him by

Hmmm, the first line of this last stanza is kinda ackward, maybe rephrase it


[Chorus]
Do you even know him?
Of his painful past
Of his forgotten love
Of his wasted life?

[Verse 2]
You look past
His lifeless face
You think he
Is more than a disgrace
But, no more thoughts about him
Come to your head,
You just go home, to your profitable bed

Just leave him, like you always do
Don’t see him
Blame the world,
On all that’s happened to you

[Chorus]
Do you even see him?
As a normal being
As an asset to the world
As one even one worth seeing?

the last line of this chorus is a little ackward. maybe take out one of those ones


[Verse 3]
This one man
Asks you for a penny
Asks for a second of your life,
But you just brush him by

Leave him in the gutter
He is just a rat,
He is just a speed bump
On your short track
Of you won life
You could help him,
But you don’t

[Chorus]
But you don’t
You just brush him by
You cut in front
Of the line of life

But you don’t,
And that’s the bottom line,
He wants a life to live,
And you just brush him by

Without a single thought in your head


i rate this a 8/10. i like what you got. your title describes what you song is about, and you do a good job of giving the message and you had good flow. a couple of weak spots where things were a bit ackward, but otherwise it was nice. One other thing i liked, is how you didnt have any repetition and the fact that the stanzas were consistent and fit together. good luck

[|Demosthenes|]

thx for all your replys, im still working on it... any others?

[|Demosthenes|]

ok, i fixed it! please crit it!

[RyMac59]

i wouldnt cut anything off because its too long, let it be as long as you need to get your message across. I like the idea of it but Im not sure if your trying to rhyme or not at places or not, i think im just having trouble putting it to music in anyway. But i thought it was pretty good besides that.

[Cipher Hour]

The flow is a bit edgy in some places, but I really like the idea you have going on. There are some places where it is pretty powerful:

This one man
Asks you for a penny
Ask for a second of your life,
But you just brush him by

But in other places it is pretty weak:

Leave him in the gutter
He is just a rat,
He is just a speed bump
On your short track
Of you won life
You could help him,
But you don’t

Some forced rhyming going on. All in all, I think it could be smoothed out and rewritten a bit better, but you've got the right message. 7.5/10.

[Krabsworth]

6/10
-----------------------
it has a good meaning and described what a lot of people do but it didnt flow too much thats why i only gave it a 6/10, but im sure it'll look great when it's done!

[|Demosthenes|]

ok.. thanks! ifixed it agin.... its in teh first post...

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

This is a good piece, I like it. No changes I'd tell you to make. Keep it up. 8.5/10

PS Could you crit my song, Fly
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=294675
Thanks, cheers!

[|Demosthenes|]

any other suggestions to fix it up?