Paintings

[Floydfanatic]

Dislocated pupils
Side to side
Annul the darkness
Frenetically bolt the door

Flashes in the silence
Faces in the window

Escaping the cold
Sickness in solitary
Omissions for a fix
Kill the paintings, an appearance

Restraint shatters quietly
Repercussions crash inside

Erase the paintings from the blank wall
Disregard the open eyes and the smoking guns
Pull apart the illusions, assembling an afterthought

Exile, banished to the sepulcher
Exile, banished to the sepulcher
Exile, banished to the sepulcher

crit for a crit as always.

[smelnykthebassist]

okay. I would rate this at about a 6 out of ten. I kinda got the idea that the lyrics were describing the sepulcher. You communicated this idea very well. The thing that this song was very lacking in was rythm and flow. I do believe the main cause of this is your lack of similiarity between stanzas. By this i mean your number of syllables was all over the place. In the first stanza you had minimal syllables and in the last one you had lots. A good way to fix this is to either add more words to the first stanzas, or split up the last ones, reword and make an extra stanza. Not only will this ease you in putting it to music, but it sounds alot better. Otherwise, keep up the good work. You obviously have a good imagination.

P.S., one more note, im not to sure but in your line "Frenetically bolt the door", if you meant frantically, then you spelt it wrong. im not to sure that frenetically is a word.

[Floydfanatic]

bump...

sepulcher was just used to create imagry towards the feeling i was trying to create.
it's supposed to be analogy to putting the bad thoughts out of your mind.

and frenetically is the adverb form of frenzy

and btw... stanza's don't all have to share the same shape and rythm... i think the lack of a mold makes a song sound more creative and different then most of the songs we hear today

[no_speech]

I'm not english or american or whatever, I don't understand everything in the lyrics, but, I really liked 'em , for what I did understand. Maybe you should use a little less metaphors, to make it a bit more.. err.. less complicated if you know what I mean.. Besides that, I think it's really good:) 9/10 .. I think:)

[Iron_Weed]

Dislocated pupils
Side to side
Annul the darkness
Frenetically bolt the door

Flashes in the silence
Faces in the window

Escaping the cold
Sickness in solitary
Omissions for a fix
Kill the paintings, an appearance

Restraint shatters quietly
Repercussions crash inside

Erase the paintings from the blank wall
Disregard the open eyes and the smoking guns
Pull apart the illusions, assembling an afterthought

Exile, banished to the sepulcher
Exile, banished to the sepulcher
Exile, banished to the sepulcher

Well I do really like this but I think maybe it should be edited slightly. It just sounds a little like you've gone mad with a thesaurus on some lines which makes it sound a bit mechanical. Still awesome peice of work.

9/10

[Floydfanatic]

bump thx for the crits.
i used more of an advanced vocabulary on this song... i got inspired after listening to the mars volta that using advanced words can be cool.

[IOWNU200]

yeah the vocab in this song is pretty advanced. You pulled it off well though, you have to be careful though. Often too much vocabulary can take out some raw emotion from the song. I really liked what you wrote. I think it's a nice piece that makes you think a bit. There's two kinds of good songs in my opinion. One's that you can emotionally feel and be moved by, and the other kind would be ones that make you think, this would fall into the second category of good songs. Keep up the good work. And check out my latest song: Denpendancy on the Sun if you can

[Left Face Down]

I liked it, as people siad you used advanced vocabulary... I now feel stupid because I don't know what a "sepulcher" is... :lol:

If I understood it more I could say more, but I don't... it sounds really nice past I don't really know what the I guess main theme is in a sense.

It seems a little short, doesn't really matter that much, and I can't really find a clear structure to the song, I'm guessing you may repeating some things maybe, as a chorus, but I don't really see it.

8/10

[Jonahtan]

Cool song. I dont see any prob with advanced wording or metaphors though. I like that kind of song.

Erase the paintings from the blank wall
Disregard the open eyes and the smoking guns
Pull apart the illusions, assembling an afterthought

Favorite stanze. Only thing about it im not sure about is Erasing the paintings from a blank wall because if the wall is blank then it wouldn't have paintings on it... I think im just missing the meaning though so w/e

[Floydfanatic]

Cool song. I dont see any prob with advanced wording or metaphors though. I like that kind of song.

Erase the paintings from the blank wall
Disregard the open eyes and the smoking guns
Pull apart the illusions, assembling an afterthought

Favorite stanze. Only thing about it im not sure about is Erasing the paintings from a blank wall because if the wall is blank then it wouldn't have paintings on it... I think im just missing the meaning though so w/e

well the theme of the piece actually is paranoia... since some of you guys might have misunderstood it, it's sort of a complex piece...

what that line meant, to me, was an analogy to getting rid of the fears of things that aren't actually there... which is essentially paranoia itself... it may be a little bit of a hidden message in some of the lines but i tried hard to show how i often feel.

thanks for all the crits :)

oh and lfd... sepulcher is like a burial vault or tomb

[Jonahtan]

Alright, yea i get it. That makes sence now that i think about it. Paranoia is a cool theme.

[sparkylp2002]

Well this song was pretty good here. You used a good amount of imagery,which i liked. However this piece did not seem to piece together well. I had a hard time trying to figure where you are going with the story. It was really hard for me to figure out where the last two verses fit in with the rest of the verses. Also i seemed to have a hard time trying to fit your piece to music in my head, it just didnt seem to flow very well in my opinion. However if you can put it to music then its all good.

Score 7/10

Thanks for the crit on mine.

[estel]

The advanced vocabulary of this song isn't really a problem. I understood it all and it didn't seem out of place or disrupt the lines.

The imagery is really good, although I have to say I didn't see the theme until after you revealed it, but when you did, it was easy to see the meaning behind all the lines.

I think it could be longer, although adding music can do that for you.
It's a really good piece. The only thing I can see wring with it is that the vocab could be a problem, depending on your audience.

8/10

[Accentopus]

Dislocated pupils
Side to side
Annul the darkness
Frenetically bolt the door

I really like this. "Bolt the door" a good end to a promisising opening. I can't really think of much else to add
8/10

Flashes in the silence
Faces in the window

I don't entirely understand the meaning to this. "tripping out" maybe. Still, imagery is there, and it interests the reader
7/10

Escaping the cold
Sickness in solitary
Omissions for a fix
Kill the paintings, an appearance

Again, strong verse. Dealing with isolation. The paintings....I like it, but what is the basis for this. Possibly Paintings, still-life...Controllable??
7.5/10

Restraint shatters quietly
Repercussions crash inside

Good progression.
8/10

Erase the paintings from the blank wall
Disregard the open eyes and the smoking guns
Pull apart the illusions, assembling an afterthought

This is making me think dreams. Illusion and conscience. I like this alot
9/10

Exile, banished to the sepulcher
Exile, banished to the sepulcher
Exile, banished to the sepulcher

I can really imagine this. Dealing with religion, right?? Strong ending
8/10

Overall, this is a hard song to critique, yet i like it. It a good flow, strong imagery, etc. Well done
8.5/10

Chris

[livinginherletters4001]

I don't really like just three word verses but I'm sure it fits the style of song your going for but it's not my fav. Anyway I like what you have going here and I'd give it a 7/10 Nice work

Crit me please
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=292157