"so we get another goodbye" crit please

[sexualchoclate]

this is one of my first songs.....

the air is thick with tension
now im pressed against your jeans
one more drink will calm us down
pretty soon you`ll see

this is so wrong
the temptaion
lets have more last goodbyea (chorus)
so kiss me one more time
and i`ll miss you

my head is faintly hazy
i`ll try and keep the noise down
wouldn`t want to blow it

(chorus)


down the stairs and through the dark
were hidding in the blankets
keep it quiet, dont stare
close your eyes
and give what you can give

is this heaven sent?
now so perfect, so calm
i exhale, you tightin
is that creakin on the stairs

(chorus)

sorry if there`s spelling mistakes. feel free to rip it apart if youd like, crit please!

[darkskies ahead]

ill crit this as soon a s i unbreak my computer

[Shtein]

this is one of my first songs.....

[QUOTE=sexualchoclate]the air is thick with tension
now im pressed against your jeans
one more drink will calm us down
pretty soon you`ll see

i dont really get this it seems like the person is horny :naughty:
i dunno id change it 6/10

this is so wrong
the temptaion
lets have more last goodbyea (chorus)
so kiss me one more time
and i`ll miss you

this ones ok im felling it
ill give it a 7/10 (using more meaningful words) :thumb:

my head is faintly hazy
i`ll try and keep the noise down
wouldn`t want to blow it

this is ok make it longer and it will sound better
for now ill give it a 6/10

down the stairs and through the dark
were hidding in the blankets
keep it quiet, dont stare
close your eyes
and give what you can give

again it sounds like your horny but this is good i like it
probably the best verse 8/10 :)

is this heaven sent?
now so perfect, so calm
i exhale, you tightin
is that creakin on the stairs

you killed this line, its perfect up to "is that creakin on the stairs" if you change that this will be the best verse in the song but for now ill give it a 8/10



OVERALL: its pretty good (better than my songs) :lol:
id give it a 7/10 overall :thumb:


can u crit mine :D

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=292965

[sexualchoclate]

thanks for the crit. and it is suppossed to sound sumwhat horny, its about me and an ex girlfriend before she moved away.

[bigskinny2006]

I don't really see this kinda song a whole lot, but its iight, nothing spectacular, I don't know how to help other than giving u a song to go by thats alot like this, its called "Devil's Daughter" by Silvertide, its not really worrying about getting caught its kinda a fun lil tune, check it out, if you could crit my song, its called Bulletproof Glass, Thanks

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

This song's subject reminds me of Mutt by Blink 182. But anyways, seems like a good song, well written and it flows well. Just add one more line on the third stanza. Good job! 7.5/10

Can you please crit my song, On The Other Side Of The Wall?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=291272
Thanks!