Thank you Adolf

[Blue Light Special]

This is my latest song. I actually like this idea a lot. The last line is worrying me though, I need some suggestions if anyone has any. I also could use a better song title.

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Marching through the county square
He can watch, from over there
Careful quick, and mind your bow
See grandmaster coming now.

On a hill the fire burns
Thinking's bad the pupil learns.
Shredding paper, burning books
Do you see the dirty looks?

To the death we march at last
Hurry now but not too fast
Watching now from far away
Will this be our final day?

Watch the hill, the fire builds
Can you endure all the thrills?
Mind your step and keep in line
Don’t look now, it’ll be fine

Now it is his time to pay
While in our graves we all lay
Too bad the war is over
At least we will not suffer

[i am nekroman]

This is my latest song. I actually like this idea a lot. The last line is worrying me though, I need some suggestions if anyone has any. I also could use a better song title.

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Marching through the county square
He can watch, from over there
Careful quick, and mind your bow
See grandmaster coming now.

i think its pretty **** cool right now...9/10

On a hill the fire burns
Thinking's bad the pupil learns.
Shredding paper, burning books
Do you see the dirty looks?

ummm...its ok...but i dont like the rhyming you got goin...work on that

To the death we march at last
Hurry now but not too fast
Watching now from far away
Will this be our final day?

again....the alst line seems a little forced

Watch the hill, the fire builds
Can you endure all the thrills?
Mind your step and keep in line
Don’t look now, it’ll be fine

this is good


Now it is his time to pay
While in our graves we all lay
Too bad the war is over
At least we will not suffer

not bad,,,,i little off on the flow though...

not a bad song, id give it 8/10...good job

if you wouldnt mind mine
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=293470

[IOWNU200]

This was pretty good man. I agree, I love your idea. Although the rhymes were simple, this was a very effective song. I loved the will this be our final day line. The last two lines though were meh... think of a better way to end it. Besides that though, this is near perfect. I actually like your title, I'd keep it. Anyways, keep up the good work

[Jonahtan]

What about instead of "at least we will not suffer" say "for we have birthed another soldier"? I dunno tho, its not my piece and it might not be the direction you were looking for. I thought that birth was a nice contrast to the death of "while in our graves we all lay" and it would also keep up the rhyming pattern while not being forced sounding. Also, obviously, soldier playes into war and "too bad the war is over" would make sence with "for we have birthed another soldier" because after war soldiers are useless and it would seem like a cycle...

lol sorry if ive typed too much, i may have gotten carried away with an idea that you might not even want to use...

[Blue Light Special]

I may use the idea you brought forth, but I can't use that exact line. It is out of the structure quite a bit. Thanks for the advice though.

[Jonahtan]

no problem man, happy to be of any assistance even if i only sparked a little thought or somethin

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I think this song is pretty good. The idea is excellent but you used such simple rhymes, but the fact that it flows really well makes up for it. The 2nd and 3rd stanzas were weak compared to the rest of the song, perhaps you could work on those a bit - reword them or something, I dunno. A good song though. 8/10

Could you please crit my song, On The Other Side Of The Wall?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=291272
Thanks!

[Blue Light Special]

What if I put for the last line "Now to dawn one more solider"?

[Blue Light Special]

Bump - last time

[estel]

It's good, but there are a few lines that I don't really like.

"Do you see the dirty looks" doesn't seem to quite work, and the rhyme seems a little too forced.

"Can you endure all the thrills?" - also doesn't seem to fit the ideas of the rest of the verse. It seems you just used it to fit the rhyme scheme.

To end the song iff, I'd put "at least the war is over" as the last line, and put something else before it.

All in all though, it's a pretty good effort, and a good idea,
7/10

[Jonahtan]

What if I put for the last line "Now to dawn one more solider"?

yea i like that, and your right, it flows better with the rest of the poem than the first line i suggested