Ugly

[cool_moon_dude]

this is a quick song i wrote, i hope you guys can help me.

"ugly"

first verse

Im board of kissing the moon, its ugly
To watch and to play in the sun, im lying
Under trees im sheltered now, but not then

chorus and bridge

I have no idear what to say, do you?
Ok im going dont be scared, I am
Who are you to say im not now, I lie
Summer is winter if ya mine, oh con trere
You see?
no need
ive heard
want proof
I do
Do you?
You see
Casue I don’t!

second verse

Taken from the line onto the side, its over
I had once chance to be me, ill cover
life needs more tonal texture, she said it
not me
ill be
in my corner

--------------------------
thx for your help
james

[i am nekroman]

ummmm...ok...wow...ummm...different...yes...very different...but not in a bad way really...its just kind of akward to read in some parts "Summer is winter if ya mine, oh con trere" like that...huh?...ok...it was cool...8.154/10

could you look at mine please/...http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=293470

[Blue Light Special]

Yes different indeed...


Im board of kissing the moon, its ugly
To watch and to play in the sun, im lying
Under trees im sheltered now, but not then


I love this passage. I like the imagery, the ideas presented here. Nice work, just keep it up throughout the song.


I have no idear what to say, do you?
Ok im going dont be scared, I am
Who are you to say im not now, I lie
Summer is winter if ya mine, oh con trere


I broke this section up because it's structured in two different ways. The first part I did not like. A chorus should strengthen the ideas brought forth in your verses. And the bridge should lead into and strengthen the chorus. I cannot figure out what this is. Is it another verse? A chorus? A bridge? it just isn't fitting. You need to continue with the ideas you presented in the first verse and your song could be phenomenal.


You see?
no need
ive heard
want proof
I do
Do you?
You see
Casue I don’t!


::Repeat above statement::


Taken from the line onto the side, its over
I had once chance to be me, ill cover
life needs more tonal texture, she said it
not me
ill be
in my corner


Yea, your song is bouncing all over the place with ideas. You could probably write three to four seperate songs from what you have presented. You need to concentrate on one idea, and expand upon it. In that regard you have failed. However you have brought fourth interesting metaphors and questions. Such as was shown in the first verse. Here, i'm not sure what you are trying to get across. Everything has been lost. The last three lines do not even fit anything else in your song thus far. It definately needs some work.

Structure: 5
Emotion: 6
Word-Usage: 8
Imagery: 8
Flow: 6

Overall: 6.6/10

[Jonahtan]

i agree with "Blue Light Special", your first verse is catching and meaningful while it kinda falls apart a bit. I think if you continued with the originally presented ideas you would end up with a fantastic song

[cool_moon_dude]

thx guys, yeah i can now see my weeknesses a bit more. thx
james

[Subliminal_Nirvana]

I like 7/10