new song, crit please

[Turtle Heads]

well, im bad at thinking of names for songs but here's my song...

Your insecurities are bleeding onto me
I realize that somethings must be
but I don't see what's happening to me
please, can you help me see
all the lies all the mysteries
it doesn't add up easily
I know there's truth behind each lie
I just don't see it in your eyes

(Chorus)
do you
do you realize
the end is near, but have no fear
for that is weak and when fear peaks
you will see
that you're the end of me

can't you see I'm scared inside
scared of death, scared of life
scared of you, scared of me
I guess somethings just must be

Chorus

the end is in sight, don't try to fight
cause you can;t win with all your might
fight for the darkness, fight for the light
it is now time to choose what's right
make the right choic, make your decision
make some sense of this confusion

[situse]

pretty cool song but try to stay away from the rhyming with "me"

like this...
Your insecurities are bleeding onto me
I realize that somethings must be
but I don't see what's happening to me
please, can you help me see

Me, be, see, and such is the most used rhyme so just try to stay away from that in future stuff. try to make it longer and more in depth... overall pretty cool song 7/10

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Yeah a lot of repetition in this piece, I don't like the first and last verse being riddled with the same rhyme until the last two lines. As well as the line "I guess somethings just must be" it doesn't make sense, just and must put next to each other is grammatically incorrect. Just fix up the way it's written, lose the repetition of rhymes and clean it up. Not bad 6.5/10

Could you also crit my song, On The Other Side Of The Wall?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=291272
Thanks!

[cool_moon_dude]

yeha my only crit is that in the verse you try to hard to rhym it with "me" but apart form this i think ist great

[i am nekroman]

well, im bad at thinking of names for songs but here's my song...

Your insecurities are bleeding onto me
I realize that somethings must be
but I don't see what's happening to me
please, can you help me see
all the lies all the mysteries
it doesn't add up easily
I know there's truth behind each lie
I just don't see it in your eyes

ummmm...dont like how the second and therd line both end with me...dont rhyme words with each other...over all its ok...ill give you a 7/10 if you change the rhyme thing

(Chorus)
do you
do you realize
the end is near, but have no fear
for that is weak and when fear peaks
you will see
that you're the end of me

ummm...not so much on this...its not to bad though...i dont like the third line but i do like the fourth...its ok...6/10...you can get it...just work at it a bit more

can't you see I'm scared inside
scared of death, scared of life
scared of you, scared of me
I guess somethings just must be

not too much on this one eather...second line is good...last line is not...mabey change the last...and the first...mabey...8/10

Chorus

the end is in sight, don't try to fight
cause you can;t win with all your might
fight for the darkness, fight for the light
it is now time to choose what's right
make the right choic, make your decision
make some sense of this confusion

this part is pretty good...i dont like the first line, how you rhyme sight with fight...mabey put..."the end i can see" ? i dont know...just take sight out 9/10 just change that line


so over all i will give you a 7/10...it had some good parts...it had some not so good parts...its definatly not my style...but if you work on it, it could be something good.

heres mine...hope you can look at it...http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=293470

[Turtle Heads]

thanks for the crit ppl, keep it comin :)

[Floydfanatic]

Your insecurities are bleeding onto me
I realize that somethings must be
but I don't see what's happening to me
please, can you help me see
all the lies all the mysteries
it doesn't add up easily
I know there's truth behind each lie
I just don't see it in your eyes

to many rhymes... it sounds akward and sort of forced... 3/5

(Chorus)
do you
do you realize
the end is near, but have no fear
for that is weak and when fear peaks
you will see
that you're the end of me

again the ryhmes seem forced...near,fear...weak,peaks... it's pretty good besides the forced sounding rhymes 3/5

can't you see I'm scared inside
scared of death, scared of life
scared of you, scared of me
I guess somethings just must be

this actually isn't that bad. nothing is really wrong with this. 4/5

Chorus

the end is in sight, don't try to fight
cause you can;t win with all your might
fight for the darkness, fight for the light
it is now time to choose what's right
make the right choic, make your decision
make some sense of this confusion

still more forced rhymes in here. all words ending in ight... it just sounds akward... 3/5

overall i give it a 3.3/5
please crit my song paintings