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burton.and.gas
01-14-2005, 07:37 AM
you know what he does.
you know his girlfriend.
the sun is collecting the light around
where you used to live and think.

if you were a glass of water,
than you woudl be half empty,
and the drinker woudl still be thirsty,
emptiness would follow.

a stylish blend,
of sadness and self-love,
creating the world's most dire creation,
the celebrity,
it changes shape every week.

oh did you hear the scandal?
it was some stuff taht no one cared about,
leading to everyone being excited,
and someone who they didn't know.

don't listen to the fame,
listen to the others.

Devil Inferno
01-14-2005, 08:55 PM
you know what he does.
you know his girlfriend.
----------------------------------------*
the sun is collecting the light around
where you used to live and think.

*this part is where the flow is messed up. well, the idea isn't clear, what this verse is trying to say. perhaps re-write? 5/10


if you were a glass of water,
than you woudl be half empty,
and the drinker woudl still be thirsty,
emptiness would follow.

Great. A creative verse, nice flow, esp lines 2 and 3. 7/10

a stylish blend,
of sadness and self-love,
creating the world's most dire creation,
the celebrity,
it changes shape every week.

The same style of the previous verse, great one. 7/10

oh did you hear the scandal?
it was some stuff taht no one cared about,
leading to everyone being excited,
and someone who they didn't know.

last line out of place. the meaning here is too straightfoward and "in your face". Perhaps rewrite to conceal some of the meaning to give it more depth. 6/10

don't listen to the fame,
listen to the others.

The meaning behind this song needs to be well, more solid. It seems its in the beginning stages, not much work is done yet, i can see the potential in this, hope you work on it more and improve it.

62%

TheSeeker625
01-14-2005, 11:21 PM
Such a great message about overexposure, just not enough skill to deliver that message well. You definitely should put some hard work into this and make it something great.
6/10