Universal Factor - Crit for Crit

[Electric Riley]

I personally think the chorus needs work. Any suggestions? Leave a link and I'll crit yours.

Universal Factor

Consider me a factor in the decision you are making
Enough to alter the swing, the path already taken.
Disclusion overrides the previous course of action
But just another factor in the universal fraction.

Take these hands of mine
Travel through the sands of time
I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself

The burden of the choices, a great weight upon your being
Take more than just a random poke at the problem I'm forseeing
Don't just push me from the equation like an unused integer
I'm the factor that divides and changes the final universal figure

Take these hands of mine
Travel through the sands of time
I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself

I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself

I know you only view me as a supplementary component,
An unimportant number in the method of the moment
I feel whichever way I move may upset the balance
But maybe all you have to see is me, to pass the challenge

I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself

It's an undoubted fact
You can't be exact
Without a rular, a protractor
And the universal factor

I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself

[Devil Inferno]

Consider me a factor in the decision you are making
Enough to alter the swing, the path already taken.
Disclusion overrides the previous course of action
But just another factor in the universal fraction.

Creativity : present here, scattered around the entire verse, esp the 1st line.
Emotions : No comments.
Idea/Storyline/potrayal of ideas : Absolutely excellent, haven't seen such good work here for a long time.
Flow : no breaks.
Verse structure : Solid.
Atmosphere created : No comments.

Just...great. This entire verse is great in potraying, the way you write it is genius. 10/10


Take these hands of mine
Travel through the sands of time
I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself

Creativity : No comments.
Emotions : No comments.
Idea/Storyline/potrayal of ideas : Quite ok.
Flow : No problems.
Verse structure : 2nd line : "and travel through sands of time"
last line : "can't change it all alone" don't repeat "myself"
Atmosphere created : no comments.

After the first verse, this is way too mediocre, but well.. 5.5/10


The burden of the choices, a great weight upon your being
Take more than just a random poke at the problem I'm forseeing
Don't just push me from the equation like an unused integer
I'm the factor that divides and changes the final universal figure

Creativity : The creativity of the first verse is back again!
Emotions : no comments.
Idea/Storyline/potrayal of ideas : Excellent!
Flow : No problems.
Verse structure : The rhymings don't seem forced, solid.
Atmosphere created : No comments.

once again, whatever i felt in verse 1 goes here. 10/10

Take these hands of mine
Travel through the sands of time
I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself

I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself

I know you only view me as a supplementary component,
An unimportant number in the method of the moment
I feel whichever way I move may upset the balance
But maybe all you have to see is me, to pass the challenge

Creativity : Ok, might have weakened from the past verse, but just by like 2% maybe? Still great.
Emotions : No comments.
Idea/Storyline/potrayal of ideas : see creativity.
Flow : No problems.
Verse structure : no comments.
Atmosphere created : No comments

just a tad weaker, i don't know why, its hidden between the lines, nothing to change really. 9.5/10

I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself

It's an undoubted fact
You can't be exact
Without a rular, a protractor
And the universal factor

Creativity : good one with the rulers and protactors.
Emotions : no comments.
Idea/Storyline/potrayal of ideas : No comments.
Flow : last 2 lines have some clashes, you might want to rewrite.
Verse structure : No comments.
Atmosphere created : no comments.

7/10


I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself

84%. The highest so far i've given. First time in my criting history i gave 10/10 for any verse. i can't say its the best song i've read, but the top 5. Just like the way you dish out the ideas for the verses. just add the creativty into this part

"Take these hands of mine
Travel through the sands of time
I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself".

and it'd be even better.


EDIT : Ok, didin't read your comments above, perhaps tell the idea behind the chorus? then i might be able to help. what's "it"?

here's mine, a long song, so no one bothers to crit, 30 reads, but only 2 crits i think.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289069
thanks for the time!

[Iron_Weed]

Consider me a factor in the decision you are making
Enough to alter the swing, the path already taken.
Disclusion overrides the previous course of action
But just another factor in the universal fraction.

First two lines seem kinda lengthy, and don't rhyme too well. I like your last 2 lines they are good.

Take these hands of mine
Travel through the sands of time
I can't do it by myself
I can't change it all myself

Yeah, I agree your chorus needs work. It sounds like it could be like an 80's pop song chorus. Maybe keep first line but don't have sands of time or your last 2 lines.

The burden of the choices, a great weight upon your being
Take more than just a random poke at the problem I'm forseeing
Don't just push me from the equation like an unused integer
I'm the factor that divides and changes the final universal figure

1st line good, second line too long either kill random or change it. Not sure how I feel bout the last 2, bit lengthy again.

Well I've got lazy and can't be bothered doing the rest but I found all your maths references got very tiring and sorta ruin any flow. Try to use some words with less sylables.

7/10

Crit this if you want
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289758