Success (slightly political song, please crit)

[amp7325]

Please tell me what you think of this song.



Success (or Successful)

I wear my faith around my neck
But only when I feel like it won’t choke me
The words come up out of my throat
And into your ears where they are broken
Break the word down, rearrange
There are no rules in this strange game you play
Welcome to your political college
Do this right, and you’ll get your degree today

So you want to be good at what you do....

Come on, you can do better than that
A couple important things that you’re not doing
Change your opinion just a bit more
You haven’t made enough promises that you can’t keep
Come on now, you’d better shape up
You want your life to be big and successful and fake (don’t you?)
If you want your life to mean anything
By their standards, don’t waste any time with sleep

So you want to be good at what you do....

I’m sorry but
You’re not perfect for the job
Cheat and lie and steal and spy some more
And maybe they’ll like you
How does your face look on TV?
Sorry, not good enough
You’ve been voted off the show
Good bye now, get outta here now

So you want to be good at what you do....



The song is in E lydian, and mostly switches between Emaj7 and D#min7, with a little F#7 in there. It's kind of jazzy, and for the chorus, which is the "So you want to be good at what you do..." line, I have a really strong, cool melody line.
Thanks

[bassaholica2004]

Cool, I liked it. I think it would work as a jazzy song, but in my mind I had a thrashy feeling going on, kinda like early Metallica. Either way, it'll be good. I like the first part, about wearing your faith around your neck. It seems so true these days, how some people only go to church so they will look better to other people. Good job man. 8/10

[amp7325]

Thanks man. I guess I could understand why you'd see it as early Metallica. I'm not exactly into that kind of stuff... oh well. :D

[bassaholica2004]

Thanks man. I guess I could understand why you'd see it as early Metallica. I'm not exactly into that kind of stuff... oh well. :D
I really like political songs, I used to write that kind of stuff. I like how you did it, though. Reading through it again, I would have to say your last verse is the weakest, but its still good. I wouldn't change anything, but its just not as powerful as the other ones.

[The_One]

It's pretty good. Flow is smooth for the most part. Not much imagery but a lot of thought provoking phrases instead. I just don't like the last two lines used to finish the piece. They're pretty lame.

7/10

[Iron_Weed]

I wear my faith around my neck
But only when I feel like it won’t choke me
The words come up out of my throat
And into your ears where they are broken
Break the word down, rearrange
There are no rules in this strange game you play
Welcome to your political college
Do this right, and you’ll get your degree today

Great first and second line. 3rd line...well where else are they gonna come from? 4th and 5th seem alrite. Can't stand the 6th line. Last two are alrite but could be better.

So you want to be good at what you do....

Interesting chorus, repeated or just said once? Anyways, I like it.

Come on, you can do better than that
A couple important things that you’re not doing
Change your opinion just a bit more
You haven’t made enough promises that you can’t keep
Come on now, you’d better shape up
You want your life to be big and successful and fake (don’t you?)
If you want your life to mean anything
By their standards, don’t waste any time with sleep

1st, 2nd and 3rd lines good, no complaints there. 4th is boring and obvious. Next two lines are good. Last two lines don't really do much for me.

So you want to be good at what you do....

I’m sorry but
You’re not perfect for the job
Cheat and lie and steal and spy some more
And maybe they’ll like you
How does your face look on TV?
Sorry, not good enough
You’ve been voted off the show
Good bye now, get outta here now

Bleh, don't like this stanza. Maybe the cheat, lie line is alrite and keep the idea of them having to look a certain way but i don't like the way it's written and the show stuff in my opinion is pretty weak.

8/10.

[throw_away_your_television]

its a pretty good song but i think it kind of starts strong with the faith bit but by the end its weak like the voted off part, its just that last part that lets it down. i think i rest of it is great though.

[Electric Riley]

I just heard Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" and I think that style would suit this song perfectly. Then again, I think the jazzy idea would work well also. I really enjoyed this.

I would also appreciate if SOMEONE would please crit mine - Universal Factor.http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289830

[amp7325]

Ok, I've edited it. It's lost the feel of "you're my political apprentice, now I'm teaching you stuff...."



I wear my faith around my neck
But only when I feel like it won’t choke me
The words come up out of my throat
And into your ears where they are broken
Break the word down, rearrange
There are no rules in this strange game you play
Welcome to this world of success
Do this right, and you’ll graduate today

So you want to be good at what you do...

I show my passion in my eyes
Even if it causes me to go blind
It’s not a question of what I see
It’s a question of how good I look on TV
Come on now, let me define your morals
Since you obviously can’t do this for yourself
I hear and see just what I want to
How am I different from anybody else?

So you want to be good at what you do...

Look at me
I am the nature of hypocrisy
I cheat, I lie, I steal, I spy
It’s been this way for centuries
Look at yourselves
You’re buying into hypocrisy
I steal from you, I lie to you
And it’s been this way for centuries

So you want to be good at what you do...




And for whoever asked, I only say the chorus line once, and then the lead guitar takes over for the rest of the chorus.