(Rainy Day in) Winter; Rough Draft

[Spectrum]

Well, I haven't been in here for a while, and sure you've all missed me so much.

Yeah, I know I'm not funny, so on to business. This is a rough draft of a song that I was working on and possibly integrating into a set. More is explained at the bottom. So, without further ado:

Spectrum - (Rainy Day in) Winter

A rainy winter's day reminds me of lost love
An idyllic white Christmas seems so far off

Would downpouring skies of gray
ruin everyone's favorite day?
Would holidays be the same
with no parties or parades?

Water battles water as rain melts any snow
I feel locked in today with nowhere left to go

Would there be no love at all
without hate hangin' round?
Would War and Peace both still exist
without some common ground?

All you need is Love. Love is all you need.
I tried to take it all. I choked on my greed.
Want and need
Are sep'rate seeds
On both we feed
And take no heed
Of our own greed
On want, not need
Like blowing reeds
And strudy trees
We do not break but
we all
come
crashing
down.

Hooray for moodiness. Basically, winter up here had been very unproductive in terms of white stuff on the ground, and whenever even an inch or two accumulates, the rain swiftly came and melted it. It was from sitting around in my room and looking outside on one of those rainy days that all this crap got written down. So... your opinions, please. And ratings, maybe. Heck, I'm probably gonna end up critting one of yours.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read my stuff.

-Mike (gatrief13@yahoo.com)

[BlindWriting]

To start off, I like the, uh, non-structural, uh, structure to it. (I just contradicted myself, didn't I?)

A rainy winter's day reminds me of lost love
An idyllic white Christmas seems so far off

This seems to set up a sort of dreamy state of mind for the song. Honestly, it seems to misrepresent the rest of the song, where you take more literal turns later.

Would downpouring skies of gray
ruin everyone's favorite day?
Would holidays be the same
with no parties or parades?

Choice of words, such as everyone's favorite day, and no parties or parades, worked excellently here. Flowed very well.

Water battles water as rain melts any snow
I feel locked in today with nowhere left to go

Again, you seem to jump back in to the sort of dreamy state of mind, but I like the imagery in these two lines.

Would there be no love at all
without hate hangin' round?
Would War and Peace both still exist
without some common ground?

Again, it flows well, but just not as effective as the similar stanza from before. Maybe expand on this one, eight lines instead of four, and really drive your idea home.

All you need is Love. Love is all you need.
I tried to take it all. I choked on my greed.
Want and need
Are sep'rate seeds
On both we feed
And take no heed
Of our own greed
On want, not need
Like blowing reeds
And strudy trees
We do not break but
we all
come
crashing
down.
This is probably the best of the song in this part. Your rhyme scheme was excellent. Done any differently, I could have come off as awkward, but you almost nailed it. Maybe consider working with at least one different syllable to change between, instead of -eed the whole way through.

All in all, good first draft. If you end up using this for your set, definitely put it on mx if you can.
7.5 / 10

[The_One]

It's alright. Just get's vague in some areas. Flow is ok, just a bit chunky in some areas. Some verses are cliched, like this one:

Would there be no love at all
without hate hangin' round?
Would War and Peace both still exist
without some common ground?

Tweak it a bit.

7/10

[AForgottenElement]

i like it, i agree with the earlier post that said it felt dreamy in parts but i think it really fits the song perfectly, with the differances between the dreamy and the realistic, its good

[Burningwater]

Dude...the first part of this song was so awesome. I couldnt find anything wrong with it. But the last stanza to me sounded really bad. The constant repetition of the rhyme killed me. It would be crazy good without the last stanza, or a different one. 9/10 for the first part. I won't grade the last stanza.

[Spectrum]

I would like to thank everyone for their input, and I'll try to get to critting anyone who crits. Return the favor, eh?

I do honestly take what people say into consideration, so keep it comin'.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

I will definitely be sure to check out some other of you songs. This one was just down right awsome. I love it! The first two lines got right in and caught me. That is what I am talking about when I say what people need in the first verse. Great job. I really saw nothing wrong with this piece. That is why I am giving you today's 1/15/05 THIRDEYE'S VERDICT AWARD :thumb: 9.3/10. Nice job.

If you dont mind doing two things for me:

1. Leaving this link on the new guidelines and tools thread, so I can show people what I am talking about.

2. Please crit my song "Anthem of our crying children part one- modern suburban tragety" Thanks. :chug:

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I like this piece, the idea's great and it flows nice. The only thing that I don't like is the overuse of -eed words in the final stanza. This should definately go to a second draft. Good job! 8/10

[estel]

Ok - I'm returning the crit :D

I have to start off by saying that I really like this piece. The first 3 stanzas are fantastic. The contrasts between the 1st and 3rd stanzas compared to the 2nd and 4th are marked, but don't sound too out of place.

The only real things I can find wrong - the 4th stanza is a bit cliche, but not bad really.
The first 2 lines of the final section (the "love is all you need" part) are also pretty cliche, but I think only 2 cliched lines in a song is not too bad compared to a lot of what I've read around here.
The -eed rhymes get a buit tiring ... I think a bit more variation is needed, although that could depend on how it's performed - it could sound great or terrible, I dunno. ]

All in all - a good song,with some great imagery used.
8/10 (only losing points for those few small problems)

[Spectrum]

The only real things I can find wrong - the 4th stanza is a bit cliche, but not bad really.
Yeah, I've gotten that and similar reactions a couple times. I'll see what I can do about fixing it.
The first 2 lines of the final section (the "love is all you need" part) are also pretty cliche, but I think only 2 cliched lines in a song is not too bad compared to a lot of what I've read around here.
What I was trying to do was make a throwback to a classic song (if you couldn't tell) and work from there, building a much different theme off of it than the Beatles. Meh, it's a little cliched, but oh well. It sets up the next part well, which reminds me...
The -eed rhymes get a buit tiring ... I think a bit more variation is needed, although that could depend on how it's performed - it could sound great or terrible, I dunno.
People either love that part or hate it. Since I'm getting more negative reactions than positive on that one, I'll probably work on it or develop a unique way to carry it along vocally.

Thank you all again for your crits and input.

-Mike