Crit for crit, currently untitled song I wrote

[Iron_Weed]

Hey, this is a song I wrote pretty much about an embarasing night of drinking. Sorta ran dry after two verses but maybe I'll just use the 1st one twice. Flow on chorus looks weird but it works so dw about that. As title says crit for crit so leave an adress.

EDIT: Ok wrote a new verse tell me what you think, I've pretty much decided to abandon current chorus.

Sea soaked clothes
Bloody handkerchief
My broken faith
Heals as I sleep
My chosen tribe
Has left me alone again
My friend, my friend, my friend

Stolen bliss
Brightest evening
My broken mind
Is blank and empty
My wanted tribe
Doesn’t respond again
My friend, my friend, my friend

I’m well and wet and I
Stink of blood and lies
Again…again
Hey look our group has shrunk
We’ll join together, once again
When…we are done

Sullen flame
Buried interest
My broken lie
Recoups as I dress
My new-found tribe
Is running too fast again
My friend, my friend, my friend

[estel]

I think the lyrics are really good.
More than one meaning could be found easily for this song, and a wild night out wouldn't have been my first guess. That just shows the depth to the lyrics, because I think that having multiple possible meanings is a good thing.
One line that gets me though is that "I'm well and wet" - I don't quite see how you can be 'well' when you smell of blood and lies, and you're soaked in blood, with a broken mind (which is a tad cliched) and have stolen bliss. Seems to not really fit in.
Like you said it's a bit short, but not every song has to be hugely long, so I don't see it as that big an issue.

Some good imagery in there. Pretty good all round.

I have a song here at http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289474 thanks :thumb:

[Nightvision]

I've noticed you working hard and critting lots tonight, so I'll crit this for you.

Sea soaked clothes
Bloody handkerchief
My broken faith
Heals as I sleep
My chosen tribe
Has left me alone again
My friend, my friend, my friend

Interesting stuff, if not overly brilliant. This isn't the worst I've read on here, but it's a long way from the best. Your topic is original, and for that you gain points, but your imagery is loose - nothing ties it together particularly well, and it all feels very weak.

Stolen bliss
Brightest evening
My broken mind
Is blank and empty
My wanted tribe
Doesn’t respond again
My friend, my friend, my friend

I liked the repetition of 'my friend' in both the verses. You're also picking up a lot of points for originality here, even if it's not fantastically executed.

I’m well and wet and I
Stink of blood and lies
Again…again
Hey look our group has shrunk
We’ll join together, once again
When…we are done

Your third line is godawful. I'm sorry, but it is. Please change that. Please. It ruins the song. Other than that, this is nice - fits in well with the rest of the song.

Overall:

I'll be honest. I wasn't expecting much - we're currently experiencing one hell of a lull in quality writing in this forum, but you have surprised me. This is entertaining, original, and while it could use a fair bit of polishing in places, is altogether one heck of a debut around these parts. Stick at it, you'll only get better.

Score:

74%

Lacks polish, but has bucketloads of spirit and originality.

[amp7325]

I agree with Jason. It could use some editing, but it is interesting, and it held my attention. I imagine that the music makes it much better, but just work on the imagery a little bit, maybe add a couple more lines. That would really help.

If you want, crit my song, Success: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289797

[The_One]

It's pretty good. Just don't like the word choice of tribe. Gives off a weird feel. Also, I don't really like the "my friend, my friend, my friend" part. It's kind of awkward. Other then that, pretty good song.

7/10

[Iron_Weed]

Thanks for crits guys, wasn't my debut tho I'v had another 2 up here b4.

[Rock_Out_Dudes]

Ok, first off, I like the topic and originality. It flowed well except for a few parts. In the first verse when it said tribe it kinda threw me off track of the song, because i was thinking about the weird word choice. If it works for you though, leave it. The "my friend, my friend, my friend" part will either be really good or really bad depending on how you sing it (IMO) so make sure that you find away to bring that out to its potential. Again in the 2nd verse it had the "tribe" and "my friend...." things goin. The third line of the third verse was not good at all. It needs to be changed. Also, the last line seems really really simple and IMO its weak. Again, if thats what you wanted keep it. When i was reading it, it was goin well and then all of the sudden it was done and i was like....woah...that was short. Try and add a little more content to it or else i can't see this song being any longer than 2-3 minutes. Other than those things it was good. Like Jason said, it needs some polishing but I think it will be a good song...7/10.

Please crit: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=288532

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Ok what happened that night! :lol: Blood and and tribes. Intrusting. But seriously I did like this song. I liked how you repeated, My friend. That was a nice touch. Yes you may want to reuse the first verse again. I like the way you used your words. It was very eye catching. But what kind of beat is going on here? Either way, it is good and I like it. Nice job. :thumb: 8.6/10

Please, if you dont mind, crit my song Anthem of our crying children part one modern suburban tragety. Thanks. :smoke:

[Iron_Weed]

Bump. could I get a couple more crits?

[Iron_Weed]

Re Bump

[gardnerville gangsta]

yeah, its a bit odd at the end...but i do like how you repeated my friend...i really dont understand what its really about though...
6/10
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=290251
if you wouldnt mind, thanks