love him or leave him, either way it gonna kill ya

[dan-o132]

please crit. this is my latest song. about my ex who goes out with someone whos makin her miserable(my once best friend) and i want her to leave him. i no you all seem to hate crappy emo songs, but please crit as a crappy emo song, i'll try to steer away from these kinds of topics

leaving with an insult in the form of a question. you were always good with things like that . and the way you freeze hearts..is skill that you abuse. this daytime soap has been tiring to everyone. so paint your face and by the end of the night the mascara will run. you will be happy once you stop killing yourself. maybe stop crying once you stop giving yourself. and when this is done its another long night.....i dont think i can let you leave this place, cuz i know when you say goodnight, they'll cut your brakes. just trust this bad feeling. your're only safe in the daytime cuz the night's way too dark. if i had my way, you would never sleep alone. and you give. and they take. and theyre never happy. cuz its just not enough to feel right.

it flows better than it looks with the music. thanks
-dan

[Sergio]

:thumb: I like them, especially since I'm in a very similar situation right now with someone, I can relate, and I have about 11 songs written on the subject. But you may want to think about making it easier to read next time, kind of har to tell if there's any structure when it's in a paragraph.

[estel]

Surpisingly, it's not a crappy emo song, it's a pretty decent emo song.

It steers away from all the cruddy cliches and such usually seen in emo music, and uses some good metaphors and images.

I have to say though, it would be a lot easier to read, and make the meaning a lot clearer if it were set out in lines/paragraphs rather than as a block.

Even if I don't compare this to other emo songs, but to 'decent' music, this is pretty good.
One thing I have to say is that I don't know how clear the meaning really is. If you hadn't given that little opening bit about the meaning, I probably wouldn't have picked that as the meaning (but I'm hopeless at getting meanings at the best of times). The opening lines make it out to be as if the woman is more of a cold hearted user, rather than someone who's suffering. But that's just me ... maybe the meaning is clearer to others out there.

All up, it's pretty good.

[Iron_Weed]

If you edit that into stanzas I'll crit it.

[The_One]

It's pretty good. Some lines are a bit cliched though.

and you give. and they take. and theyre never happy. cuz its just not enough to feel right.
I don't really like this line. It seems awkward.

You should also tie up your ideas so they fit well together. Lastly, when you write like this, please capitalize the first words of each sentence. It makes the piece much easier to read.

7/10