The Man With No Eyes (crit for a crit)

[BlindWriting]

Hey, this is my first attempt at songwriting. It's probably not great, but crit anyway, and I'll do the same for you.

For technical clarifications, the song is in 6/8 time. Here goes nothing...

The Man With No Eyes:

Don’t
Disturb
The signs
Your stance on
Reflection
The point
Of origin
That tears us all apart
Chew
Up your rights and
Spit them all
Away into
The barrel
Of a gun
And out the holes
That pour sand
Into your shoes

[chorus 1]
“Mock on
Mock on
Voltaire
Rousseau”
So say
The dead
The men with
No eyes

I won’t be given this
Don’t want to anymore
Such a burden, such a heavy load
He almost asked to run
Asked to run
Tried to pray
And in turn
See the light of day

[chorus 2]
Live fast
Die young
Fight for
Your god
Your weapon
Of mass
Instruction
No eyes
Twenty
Eight grams
Lighter
Each day
All for
The dead
The men with
No eyes

I can
I will
You drive
I’ll kill
Eat lead
**** off
Pull on
My strings

My strings
My strings
Mercy
My strings
[2x for above stanza]

[Wingin_it]

I'll tell ya, for your first song, that's good. I liked it. I wish i could offer some advice, but i think it's fine the way it is.

[BlindWriting]

Thanks man.

[Iron_Weed]

I have to say, although I have no ****ing idea what this means I like it. I love creative language and you have used alot. ****ing great first song.

8.5/10 (9.5/10 if you can tell me wtf it means)

[filsaxenophobe]

yeah, i also have no idea what it means...but it is good...one line bugged me, the "pours sand into your shoes" but thats it
well done

[estel]

Yeah... I'm with iron_weed ... I have read the song about 4 times and I stil have no idea what it's about.

There are some cool images in there, but the "28 grams lighter each day" is a reference to that movie right? Something about the soul weghing 28g isn't it, or is there another meaning I've missed? If so, then it should probably be changed, although it fits and sounds cool, I'm not a fan for stealing themes like that

When I read the song first time, I missed your remark about 6/8 time, but I thought the verses' flow suited a 3/4 or 6/8 time, so it looks like great minds to think alike :D
Speaing of verses, I don't quite know why you spaced it out like that, because it breaks each line up from the otehrs, and clouds the meaning a fair bit. That said, it won't affect the song, so it's no problem, it's just from a critiquing angle.

In summary - some awesome passages in there, it sounds cool (especially for a first effort), i just have no **** idea what it means

[BlindWriting]

You were half-right about the 28 grams part. It is a reference to the idea that when people die, they lose 28 grams of mass from their body. It wasn't actually a reference to the film, I wasn't thinking of that at the time, but I should have rethought it before I put it in. Basically, those few lines mean that each day, more people are being killed for a reason that I state somewhere in the song.

The first four lines of chorus 1, with the "Voltaire, Rousseau" part is a quote from English poet William Blake. He was overly religious, and claimed that Voltaire and Rousseau, two philosophers from the Englightenment era who emphasized logic over religion, were mocking god and christianity with their beliefs. The second half of that chorus is sort of my response to Blake, basically saying he's blind for saying something like that toward the two aforementioned philosophers.

That part alone might give you a clue as to what the rest of the song means. One thing I will say is that part of it is anti-religious... the rest I'll leave up to you.

[Spectrum]

Very interesting perspective on death and religion and the constant intertwining of the two in frenetic modern life. I think I like it, and with the proper music, this could be a fantastic song. I think what seems to be the broken feel of the lyrics may work rather well... but then again, it's probably just broken up measure by 6/8 measure. But again, good work. I especially think the use of the idea of giving the soul weight has a good and very subtle impact, and the use of famous poetry is never a bad thing if well used (such as the case is). And write more. This is a fine first attempt (better than mine, I think).

8.9

And hey! I've got a rough draft of a new one, (Rainy Day in) Winter.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289791

[mcs]

It's good, even with the clues I can't tell what the song is about, hopefully someone can. I didn't like the way you put each line so small, I'd like to hear a recording of the song to see what you meant by it. Overall it's good, exceptional for your first song.

[BlindWriting]

And hey! I've got a rough draft of a new one, (Rainy Day in) Winter.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289791
Crit'd.

[Hammer_of_the_Gods]

Great song. The last staza is a little odd. Other than that and the fact that the whole thing is odd sounding/meaning it's great.

[The_One]

I don't really get what this is about. I think you have tmi syndrome. (Not too much info but too many ideas syndrome). You go on and on about something, but it really leads to nothing. The imagery is alright though. It could be better. Like when you mention "the barrel of a gun" is that pulled from something by Taking Back Sunday?

I don't like the second chorus either. It's cliched and unoriginal. Also, The last stanza isn't very solid.

6/10

[Kylie_xx]

hey!
you critted me, and ur a good crititic, thanx!
i really like this, everyone ive read so far on here writes in the style id love to write it, in a rather deep way with good vocab and very good imaginations. keep up the good work, if this is ur first song i cant wait to read your others!
xx

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Voltaire
Rousseau

What does that mean? :lol: It's good anyway. Are you sure that this is your first attempt at writing? I actually liked it alot. I really liked the message that I got out of it. The way you wrote the song was really unique, but your listener's wont read the lyrics, they will hear the lyrics. Anyway, this was actually very well written and I liked it alot. Nice job and keep up the good work. You can get far with skills like this. I will give you my THIRDEYE'S VERDICT AWARD :thumb: for today 1/19/05. This was just an incredible song, and thanks for the crit on my song. 9.1/10.

[Sword2020]

Solid song, the meaning that I have scratched together is very solid, as is the language and the beat. The beat is what makes so strong, so powerful. Jst excellent, especially for a first song. Nice, nice work. Now, if you wouldn't mind giving my song, Army of Puppets, a crit, I would be very grateful. Thanks.

[sickest sol]

Nice song seems to have a subliminal system of a down kind of meaning.