first lyric post...crit please "

[metalswimmer]

i used to live in a roomfull of mirrors
all i saw was me
well i cant stand it anymore
so i smash the mirror
and set me free

broken glass
on the floor
broken glass
in my head
broken glass
come through my dreams
fall and cut me
in my bed

it wasnt too long ago
but it seems like ages ago
since i felt the warm glow of the sun
lately
things seem a little colder
im a little older
since ive lost that glow of mine

[bassaholica2004]

Is this finished? It seems like it just kinda stops at the end. I loved the first stanza, but it kinda goes downhill from there. You should definetely add more, as this can be a pretty good song if longer. 6/10

[TheSeeker625]

^123

[Iron_Weed]

Your first verses is quite an interesting metaphor for self loathing but the rest seems to just fall apart.

[metalswimmer]

does it fall apart subject wise? or does it need more ryme?

[bassaholica2004]

does it fall apart subject wise? or does it need more ryme?
Well I think the last stanza is your weakest part. It just doesn't fit. I would suggest completely redoing it. And as for the middle piece, I would change "head" with "mind" or something like that. "Head" makes it seem like you physically have a piece of glass stuck in your head :lol: , unless you really wanted it that way. Coming through the dreams is a good idea, but I would change the bed part.

[The_One]

The first line of the piece was pretty good. But after that, your piece just crumbled.


broken glass
on the floor
broken glass
in my head
broken glass
come through my dreams
fall and cut me
in my bed
This is just way too repetitive for a simple idea. It's also pretty corny. Change it up a bit.

it wasnt too long ago
but it seems like ages ago
This line is also very awkward.

6/10

[|Demosthenes|]

mind if i patch it up a bit?


i used to live in a roomfull of mirrors
all i saw was me
well i cant stand it anymore
so i smash the mirror
and it set me free

broken glass
on the floor
in my head,
in my life,
cutting my blissfull bed

it wasnt too long ago
but it was a painfull flow,
since i felt the warm glow of the sun
but now im older,
and now things are colder
after i lost the glow of mine




oh... and by the way, 8/10 :thumb:

[metalswimmer]

wow thanks you cleaned it up awsome! i didnt like it as much at first but now i really like it! appreciate the help man

[|Demosthenes|]

no prob ;)