Next is next and then is now

[H to the ickle]

This song is kind of strange. I had a slight fever when I wrote it and was fooling around with my delay pedal and made up a weird, Floyd-esque riff and that prompted me to write some lyrics.

Next is next and then is now

Well I don’t know where to go from here
And whenever I ask I’m met with a leer
Mind’s not sound, solid, stupid, or smart
It’s the only thing in me that isn’t falling apart
Ticket to the Promised Land, bus token to hell
All things considered, I’m doing pretty well
Light through a prism, diffused from a distance
I’d keep talking if I thought anyone would listen

Should’ve been listening instead I was talking
Should’ve been running instead I was walking
Should’ve done a lot of things instead I did nothing
Next time will be better
On that you can bank
If next time’s next and then is now
I’ll have it done the next time you come ‘round

A wise man came to me and said that I was sinking
The insight was good but change was only fleeting
Library of riddles, records, and redundancy inside clamshells
Incoherent rambling stagnate like the books on the shelves
Dust covered revelations, once great and enlightening
Now litter the floor waiting to be used as kindling
The math checks out but success doesn’t come
Never ever finished but I’m already done

In the mirror’s reflection I can see someone menacing right behind me
I turn and I smile and in a short while my assailant and I are drinking tea
I know him and he knows me, which isn’t surprising
It’s been him all these years behind I’ve been hiding
He is he and I am me but we’re still part of the same the same entity

Should’ve been listening instead I was talking
Should’ve been running instead I was walking
Should’ve done a lot of things instead I did nothing
Next time will be better
On that you can bank
If next time comes next anyway

If next is next it’s a long time coming
If next is next it’s a long time wanting
If next is next it’s a long time coming
If next is next it’s a long time coming


Please crit.

[H to the ickle]

*tear*

No one wants to crit?

Come on...

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Well I have to say that it was different. I like the whole idea I got from it. I would give it an indepth crit but it's a pretty long song. Anyway, it looks like it is well written. I like some of the wordplay in here. Nice job. 8/10 :thumb:

Please crit my Anthem of crying children song. Thanks.

[H to the ickle]

Anyone else? (Some semblance of a bump)

[gardnerville gangsta]

good stuff....i like how it flowed and jsut painted a picture in your head...good job
8/10

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Some lines were decent, but many seemed forced.
Ex:
"Well I don’t know where to go from here
And whenever I ask I’m met with a leer"

"In the mirror’s reflection I can see someone menacing right behind me
I turn and I smile and in a short while my assailant and I are drinking tea"

-Also many lines seem to have no meaning to the song as a whole. Like the one above...

Overall, I do like the premise, and think with some work that it could be made better, but for as it is now, It's really not doing much for me. Also some lines don't seem to be able to fit in a song, they just seem too long to be sung affectively. It's not too bad. Keep on writing though.

[H to the ickle]

Yeah, the first lines have bothered me for awhile and I'm in the process of retooling the entire last verse because it was forced.

Thanks for the crits.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I like this song, it flows quite well and I agree with thirdeyeblindislit, it is very different. The only problem is the forced rhyming scattered around. Good job! 8/10

PS If you could crit my song On The Other Side Of The Wall I would greatly appreciate it.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=291272

Cheers!

[Sword2020]

I don't know, it could be interesting with Pink FLoyd like music behind it. I didn't realy like ti wihtout the music, though. I guess it just wasn't my style. If you want to give me a crit, taht woulc be great. It's Army of Puppets, thanks.