The American Dream

[Sword2020]

Tell me waht you think, and then I will do the same for you, just post the name of the thread with your song.

The American Dream

Go to sleep I’ve got something to show you
When you’re asleep this thing will guide you
Fall asleep this is how I’ll control you
Go to sleep and have the American Dream

It’s a dream and it’s not for me
It’s a dream and it ain’t for you
It’s a dream and it’s time for something new

On the street you can see it around you
The flyers and the billboards that want you
The pushing screaming and hate all around you
Just look around it’s all the American Dream

It’s a dream and it’s not for me
It’s a dream and it ain’t for you
It’s a dream and it’s time for something new

The radio is where they get you
The poser punks are there to trick you
Corporations put in ads to buy you
Mass-market Sh!t is just the American Dream

It’s a dream and it’s not for me
It’s a dream and it ain’t for you
It’s a dream and it’s time for something new

(instrumental only/guitar solo of sorts, continuing until chorus)

Dreams
Can turn into nightmares
Wake up in a cold sweat
And wonder where all the horror went

Aaaaaoohhhh
It’s a dream and it’s not for me
It’s a dream and it ain’t for you
It’s a dream and it’s time for something new

Don’t buy into the Dream!
Don’t sell yourself away!
I can see where you’re going and you don’t have to!
You can wake up now…!

[estel]

I like this quite a lot.
It's a good topic, and well written, but I don't like the constant repetition.
All of the verses are "... you .... you ... you ..American Dream" which will get pretty tiring after a while, and detract from the content of the verses, which are otherwise great.
Similar the chorus has each line quie similar, although I think repetition in the chorus is less of an issue compared to the continual predictable endings to each line in the verses.

Third stanza is good, as it turns the whole 'Dream' concept on its head with the 'nightmare' part.
The last stanza is a nice change-up, with different rhythm, and it breaks away from that pattern that every other stanza falls into.

All in all it's a good theme, with good writing, just a tad too repetitive for my tastes.
Mix it up a bit, and it will be a lot better.
Probably 7/10. Improve the somewhat tedious verse patrern, and it will easily be an 8.

btw, I have a song up called "Judge"
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289474

[Hammer_of_the_Gods]

This is pretty good. Like someone said, the repitition is a little anoying and some of the lines need a little work. All the verses look great to me. They all point out thing in our society that try to change our minds/views about thing. This i like. But it's the chorus/pre chorus that kinda ruin it for me. Their messages are good, but it's that repitiontion that takes away from their depth/greatness.

6.5/10

[Iron_Weed]

Go to sleep I’ve got something to show you
When you’re asleep this thing will guide you
Fall asleep this is how I’ll control you
Go to sleep and have the American Dream

1st lines decent, don't like the second at all. Ugh too many sleeps. I'd say cut it down to only 2 sleeps max in first stanza (Maybe third and forth line)

It’s a dream and it’s not for me
It’s a dream and it ain’t for you
It’s a dream and it’s time for something new

Don't really like this, don't think it's good enough for a chorus.

On the street you can see it around you
The flyers and the billboards that want you
The pushing screaming and hate all around you
Just look around it’s all the American Dream

First and second alright content but i think both need to be rephrased slightly. Don't like the third at all. Last line looks like it has one too many words probably kill the just. Not really sure bout ending each line in you. There are some flow problems with this verse you need to fix.

The radio is where they get you
The poser punks are there to trick you
Corporations put in ads to buy you
Mass-market Sh!t is just the American Dream

First line is to bland, second is alrite maybe change "trick" and possibly "poser pnks" to something of similar meaning. Change "put in" in your third line to something else and it should be fine. Kill the "just" on your last line again.

Dreams
Can turn into nightmares
Wake up in a cold sweat
And wonder where all the horror went

Don't have dreams turn into nightmares it's very unoriginal. Ditto line 3. Don't really get what you mean by line 4 but it seems alrite.

Aaaaaoohhhh
It’s a dream and it’s not for me
It’s a dream and it ain’t for you
It’s a dream and it’s time for something new

Aaaaaaaaaaohhh? Perhaps change it to Yuuuuuuuohhaaaa.

Don’t buy into the Dream!
Don’t sell yourself away!
I can see where you’re going and you don’t have to!
You can wake up now…!

This is alrite I guess. Your theme doesn't really interest me and your song has too many cliches. I think you could make it very good with more work tho.

5.5/10

[Blue Light Special]

Go to sleep I’ve got something to show you
When you’re asleep this thing will guide you
Fall asleep this is how I’ll control you
Go to sleep and have the American Dream


I don't like the use of the word 'You' three times in a row. It takes a lot away from your lyrics. The last line just also seems out of place. Probably due to the usage of 'You' three times in a row.


It’s a dream and it’s not for me
It’s a dream and it ain’t for you
It’s a dream and it’s time for something new


What? Seems like your rambling to me. I could see this as a bridge, but it seems to early in the song for this sort of lyrical work.


On the street you can see it around you
The flyers and the billboards that want you
The pushing screaming and hate all around you
Just look around it’s all the American Dream


Again 'You' three times in a row. The poetry is killing me.


It’s a dream and it’s not for me
It’s a dream and it ain’t for you
It’s a dream and it’s time for something new


Blegh, looks like this is your chorus. I think it needs some work.


The radio is where they get you
The poser punks are there to trick you
Corporations put in ads to buy you
Mass-market Sh!t is just the American Dream


Dude...


It’s a dream and it’s not for me
It’s a dream and it ain’t for you
It’s a dream and it’s time for something new


*TEARS HAIR OUT*


(instrumental only/guitar solo of sorts, continuing until chorus)
[/QUOTE

My favorite part so far.

[QUOTE]
Dreams
Can turn into nightmares
Wake up in a cold sweat
And wonder where all the horror went


Absolutely loved this. I could see this as a chorus more than your other one.


Aaaaaoohhhh
It’s a dream and it’s not for me
It’s a dream and it ain’t for you
It’s a dream and it’s time for something new


...


Don’t buy into the Dream!
Don’t sell yourself away!
I can see where you’re going and you don’t have to!
You can wake up now…!


Third line seems too lengthy. Other than that you seem to be going in to what I would call the right direction with this phrase. This and your other one, pulled it together. If only you had done this earlier.




Great message, Great ideas, Horrible presentation. It just cannot see it being that listenable. You really need to work on your word usage and metaphors.

Word usage: 2
Imagery: 3
Structure: 5
Flow: 6
Emotion: 8

Total: 4.8/10

[Sword2020]

Thanks for the great crits, I agree this does need some serious editing. I'll fix it up and post the changes. If you guys want a crit for your work, post a song/thread name.