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View Full Version : Would it be alright if I were to call you God


IOWNU200
01-13-2005, 03:13 PM
Alright, so i wrote a poem for my girlfriend. I would just like to see what you guys think about it. Think she'll like it, ect. Maybe a few womans opinions as well. Anyways here goes:

There I stood alone in a secluded corner, facing the wall
No purpose, No direction, No reason to go on
Do you know what it was like?
Roaming the empty halls with that same sad song on my lips
Never knowing appreciation, Never knowing any love
And as I was beggining to fall out of everything I'd ever known
but you never gave up on me, even though i was not kind
You kept on pushing until I felt how I do now
You changed my tune and brightened my day
Such a feeling to feel when you've only learned one way
I think about your smile every time i start to fade
so when I'm all alone know that you can always be there
basking in the love I so hoped we share

You fullfil the love that I needed to function
Holding onto my hand, you helped me into the world
You told me that I had talents that you couldn’t believe
You told me that when you were with me you shook with joy
I thought to myself on its irony because I could never make myself happy
But with you my world is full of joy,
you’ll turn the rain to sun at the thought of your voice

You give me a different spin on life, thinking of you will always bring out the beauty
You told me that you liked my outlook on life, but it’s only that way because of you
I told you that you were my inspiration, and this was the truth
You instill in me a new reason to live and a new reason to fight
I was always a fighter, yes you told me yourself
But without you the battle I fought could not be won
You bring out the very best in me and now I believe
That with you I can make it, and with you I can win

So I’ll tell you down on my knees
That you’re the one that I’ve been waiting for
Your very presence is etched into my soul, and you’re there to save me
And you’ve all along been fueling the engine on my drive to redemption
You’ll sit right next to me, there to guide me
Never will your good intentions lead me astray
And weather or not you say anything at all
Just the thought of you can cushion my fall

And I’ll ask you down on my knees
To tell me that you’re here for me forever
Because your everlasting love draws me in
And you are the warmth and comfort that fills my heart
For you took this chance to give me a chance
And now I know I told you I don’t believe in God
But man, do you fit the description well
And when I told you that you had the qualities of God
It was true, So I’d like to propose this question to you
Would it be alright if I were to call you God?

So this may seem strange to you, and i've never done this before
But may I ask for just one kiss, because I want you to feel just what I do
And i want you to know everything that's in my heart and that's in my soul
Because it's hard to bear this weight alone

So I'll pray to you down on my knees
That this won't ever stop occuring
The joy that resonates in my soul is unmatched
and you are the source of all my happiness
Then, a smile breaks on my face
because even the slightest thought of your face
keeps me trudging on through the days
And i'll try hard for eternity with you
Just promise me that this love is mutual
Because I don't know if I could make it without you
For the absence of your face would make my days run dark
And just looking into your face everyday
makes me realize that I love you, my God

IOWNU200
01-13-2005, 08:36 PM
anybody??

Floydfanatic
01-13-2005, 08:47 PM
it's very true and it shows your emotions very nicely. i'm sure your girlfriend would be stunned. 5/5

please crit mine... the last drop

thirdeyeblindislit
01-13-2005, 10:27 PM
Hey IOWNU, I will be sure to crit this soon. :thumb:

The_One
01-14-2005, 12:01 AM
It's really long. It's also really straightforward. Nothing wrong with that, but it just makes your piece a bit bland, because all this has been said and done before hundreds of times. You should include more wordplay next time. Love is a cliched subject to talk about right from the start. Maybe, you should try phrase things in a more original manner.

7/10

IOWNU200
01-14-2005, 02:25 PM
you really think my work very unoriginal don't you?
oh well not everyone will like it

thirdeyeblindislit
01-14-2005, 04:20 PM
It's really long. It's also really straightforward. Nothing wrong with that, but it just makes your piece a bit bland, because all this has been said and done before hundreds of times. You should include more wordplay next time. Love is a cliched subject to talk about right from the start. Maybe, you should try phrase things in a more original manner.

7/10


What! Dude...no. This is a good song. :thumb:

IOWNU200
01-14-2005, 05:52 PM
alright i have it, User name is: IOWNU2002001

IOWNU200
01-14-2005, 10:28 PM
anyone?

IOWNU200
01-15-2005, 10:03 AM
i will return all crits, i guarantee, just leave a link

gardnerville gangsta
01-15-2005, 11:05 AM
There I stood alone in a secluded corner, facing the wall
No purpose, No direction, No reason to go on
Do you know what it was like?
Roaming the empty halls with that same sad song on my lips
Never knowing appreciation, Never knowing any love
And as I was beggining to fall out of everything I'd ever known
When out from the sky you come to save me
You changed my tune and brightened my day
Such a feeling to feel when you've only learned one way
I think about your smile every time i start to fade
so when I'm all alone know that you can always be there
basking in the love I so hoped we share

it kind of has a weird flow there..but you get the messege across good

You fullfil the love that I needed to function
Holding onto my hand, you helped me into the world
You told me that I had talents that you couldn’t believe
You told me that when you were with me you shook with joy
I thought to myself on its irony because I could never make myself happy
But with you my world is full of joy,
you’ll turn the rain to sun at the thought of your voice

again a little odd with the flow and the first two lines i dont like...the last line isnt bad though

You give me a different spin on life, thinking of you will always bring out the beauty
You told me that you liked my outlook on life, but it’s only that way because of you
I told you that you were my inspiration, and this was the truth
You instill in me a new reason to live and a new reason to fight
I was always a fighter, yes you told me yourself
But without you the battle I fought could not be won
You bring out the very best in me and now I believe
That with you I can make it, and with you I can win

the last line is a little off there4 but the rest is good

So I’ll tell you down on my knees
That you’re the one that I’ve been waiting for
Your very presence is etched into my soul, and you’re there to save me
And you’ve all along been fueling the engine on my drive to redemption
You’ll sit right next to me, there to guide me
Never will your good intentions lead me astray
And weather or not you say anything at all
Just the thought of you can cushion my fall

that stanza isnt bad

And I’ll ask you down on my knees
To tell me that you’re here for me forever
Because your everlasting love draws me in
And you are the warmth and comfort that fills my heart
For you took this chance to give me a chance
And now I know I told you I don’t believe in God
But **** do you fit the description well
And when I told you that you had the qualities of God
It was true, So I’d like to propose this question to you
Would it be alright if I were to call you God?

maybe change the cuss word...well it matters what it is...dam.n would be ok, sh.it would be meh but the fu.ck word would trow it off...it just matters

So this may seem strange to you, and i've never done this before
But may I ask for just one kiss, because I want you to feel just what I do
And i want you to know everything that's in my heart and that's in my soul
Because it's hard to bear this weight alone

this isnt bad

So I'll pray to you down on my knees
That this won't ever stop occuring
The joy that resonates in my soul is unmatched
and you are the source of all my happiness
Then, a smile breaks on my face
because even the slightest thought of your face
keeps me trudging on through the days
And i'll try hard for eternity with you
Just promise me that this love is mutual
Because I don't know if I could make it without you
For the absence of your face would make my days run dark
And just looking into your face everyday
makes me realize that I love you, my God

on the second line maybe change "won't ever" to will never...it seems to flow a little better...and the last line it is cool how you reffer back to the title and the 5th stanza

i think shell like it...good luck

if you wouldnt mind, go to (kind of namless, please crit)
thanks

Burningwater
01-15-2005, 11:07 AM
Ahhh this was refreshing. I love love songs (eh 2 loves...awkward) that are written like this. If it's like "you dumped me I hate you" then I'll give you the middle finger, but seeing as you didn't write it like that. Good Job. I commmend you. Alright...yes, a little straight forward, but it should be when you're trying to convey strong feelings across to an audience. You'll lose so much meaning if you hide it behind metaphor. I didn't like the coming down from the sky part, it's kind of overused. I agree with floyd, your girlfriend would probably be stunned. Everything flowed very well, and there was some metaphor in this piece. I like it, you shall get a:
9.5/10 - Awesome, but not perfect(nothing ever is). Keep it up, you did a very good job.

IOWNU200
01-15-2005, 11:31 AM
thanks for the crits, i'll get to yours now gangster

gardnerville gangsta
01-15-2005, 11:43 AM
heres the link
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=290251
thanks alot man

IOWNU200
01-16-2005, 09:37 AM
alright last bump

Hammer_of_the_Gods
01-16-2005, 11:02 PM
It's very straight forward and that's good. Maybe not for an famous poem or song but it's very good. There's not much hidden meanings or elagent words but there doesn't have to be. The point is that it shows your true feelings for this girl, and that's what counts.

Your girlfriend will love you for this and you will score many, many 'brownie' points with it. She will melt before you when you read it to her. She's lucky to have someone like you who will write long poems from the heart.

7/10