working title 'Twisted' - help needed?

[Kylie_xx]

Hey guys!
this is my first post here, firstly gotta say thank god for you lot! been lookin for a forum like this for SO long.
anyway, this is one of the new songs ive written in the past month, the thing i have problems with is the choruses though, i was wondering if anyone could help me out, collaborate or something?? This song has a working title of 'Twisted', but im willing to change it if the chorus doesnt flow..
any comments on other lines and how to make them better would also be muchly appriciated. obviously i dont want to change the content too much but the vocab and how ive worded it maybe?
thanks guys!


Verse 1:
I cant get by without you
its like you're a force without a name.
its like im giving up all im living for
shutting down and you're to blame.

Hes everything that i shouldnt want
he gives me something more than love.
im trapped beneath these frozen waters
cant i break through?
im addicted to you

CHORUS GOES HERE

Verse 2:
seems positively worthless
cant stop taking all of you in
cant stop thinking of you when you're not around
im torn but i feel brand new.

Hes everything i shouldnt want
but he gives me everything i need
ive been broken off from other emotions
i cant break through
im addicted to you

CHORUS GOES HERE

Middle:
Been held by a spell you've brought me under,
its dangerous, its haunting me, taking me under,
i cant quit this habit we've fought with so much
its true - im addicted to you

CHORUS GOES HERE

thanx guys x K x

[circlethedrain]

I've said it a million times and ill say it again, i hate love songs. That being said your song is not terrible, its just a bit (or alot) cliche. It's very hard to write a love song and be original so I'll take that into consideration. Basically i think the song needs to be re- done some of your verses dont flow well, also I dont know if you noticed but you used a line from a SimplePlan song (I hate this band) "Im addicted to you" and also i couldnt help but think of Bon Jovi when i read the first verse. After some re working the song could be very good but for right now its a 5/10.

[Kylie_xx]

lol thanx 4 ur comment but ive never listened to simple plan, that line i suppose is rather common.. and i dont really listen 2 bon jovi either.. not my kinda music.
i agree about the love song thing, i dont usually write about love cos i dont have much luck.. it just so happens at the point of writing this i was!
thanx!
xxx

[krisdian]

its pretty good considering, like, circlethedrain, i dont like writing love songs as such. It isnt bad. hmm, id just mix it up a bit, make the verses flow and come with a chorus and it'll be fine. hope this helps a bit.

[mr.starr]

Your pretty good at writing lyrics, I just don't like the topic. I guess love songs, dark songs and just plain twisted songs are most popular on this thread because its pretty easy to write about. Pretty clichè. But dont give up, please. Just choose a different topic and it would be great. 5/10

[cerbius]

the lyrics themselves are decent, but very cliche....one BIG mistake, imo is evident in these lines:

seems positively worthless
cant stop taking all of you in
cant stop thinking of you when you're not around
im torn but i feel brand new.

Hes everything i shouldnt want
but he gives me everything i need
ive been broken off from other emotions
i cant break through
im addicted to you....


first your writing in a 'you' voice..but then you switch and you move to he...it ruins the whole piece and sets it off totally....and another thing is that in these lines:
Hes everything that i shouldnt want
he gives me something more than love.
im trapped beneath these frozen waters
cant i break through?
im addicted to you

even though they arent..they sound very ...repetetive, and kinda boring..maybe its the he, and the he, and because its a very cliche verse...your best line is "im trapped beneath these frozen waters"....

love songs can be really great at times, if done properly....rework this piece, give it some depth, and it could become much better.....

6/10 for now

[Kylie_xx]

thanx for the comments guys i shall re work it and post it up when im done :)
xxxx

[BlindWriting]

Well, the first verse needs some definite work. The first and third lines in particular are too cliched, and need revision. That said, I think you did a good job with the Verse 2 section. You have some well written stuff that you can expand on here.
Come up with a good chorus, and I'll say 6/10.
Better than most "love" songs, though, I'll give you that.

While your at it... care to crit mine? :D
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6251995#post6251995

Keep writing!

[gardnerville gangsta]

welcome...you will probaly end up hating me anyways because almost everyone else does but thats ok :)

I cant get by without you
its like you're a force without a name.
its like im giving up all im living for
shutting down and you're to blame.

it has an akward flow...but it isn't bad

Hes everything that i shouldnt want
he gives me something more than love.
im trapped beneath these frozen waters
cant i break through?
im addicted to you

Ah, i see you are a girl..maybe or your gay...

CHORUS GOES HERE

Verse 2:
seems positively worthless
cant stop taking all of you in
cant stop thinking of you when you're not around
im torn but i feel brand new.

meh...im sure if sara was here, she would second my meh...


Hes everything i shouldnt want
but he gives me everything i need
ive been broken off from other emotions
i cant break through
im addicted to you

CHORUS GOES HERE

Middle:
Been held by a spell you've brought me under,
its dangerous, its haunting me, taking me under,
i cant quit this habit we've fought with so much
its true - im addicted to you

you rymed udner with under...might want to change that

overall not bad...some rough parts but not bad...flow worked after the first verse,,,,no bad...5.9/10

if you wouldnt mind crit here
http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=290251
-thanks

[Kylie_xx]

thanx for everyones comments i like reading them all no matter what they say! blindwriting - heh thanx 4 saying its better than most love songs... lol
g_g - i can confirm ur first guess was correct, im a girl lol
xx

[betterman]

hey, i liked it, 7/10 for now, but that chorus is important, im into the love song thing, but writing them usually involves love, so i don't get the chance very often. my opinion would be to give it kind of a Guns N' Roses spin to it.