bliss (crit and ill crit back)

[cerbius]

Hey....i havent written anything new in quite a while (again) but was messing around with this the other day.......i think its ok....but would really like to make it better......any crit is GREATLY appreciated.....

just leave a link to ur post and ill crit urs too

thnx
cerbius

Bliss

And its these faults that lead us to
Tremble at our hopes of bliss
In the face of our once dreamt happy ending
Left to stop anticipating

Chastity broken by my realization
A d*mnation of fabrication
Comfort idealized in your eyes
My hopes- drifting

Further yourself from your dream of reality
Your bigoted elation - obstructed privacy
Insecurity through confrontation-
Insipidly insisting

Enfeebled by your lies
Your oh-so true lies
Deceiving yet sincere -
Sympathetically wavering

Hallucinations
Vaulted memories
Sought thoughts
Iron flaws

It's these faults that lead us to
Our lost hopes of bliss

[cerbius]

n e one?

[Kylie_xx]

i really like that! very good set of lyrics, i love it when people write using strong vocabulary, i think it sets the tone of the work brilliantly. is it meant to be a song, though, or lyrics/poem? i cant see any hook in there apart from the 1st 2 lines and final 2 lines relating, thats my only complaint, but saying that a song doesnt have to have a hook, speshly with content like the rest of it!
very very well done!
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289522
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289525
theres mine :)
xx

[splashfreak]

I thought they were quite decent indeed. Some lines I didn't like too much ("In face of our once dreamt happy ending", "Further yourself from your dream of reality"), but I loved "insipidly insisting". Great roll of the tongue. Also, I liked "d*mnation of fabrication"

Overall I think iot flowed pretty well--a few spotty points, but good mostly. the idea was pretty straightforward, but the way in which you presented it was good. Lots of nice big words.

Good job.

Here's mine for ya

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289512

[cerbius]

thnx ppl, ill make sure to chek urs out.....does n e one else have n e other comments?

[amp7325]

I like it a lot. The big words add a weird emotion to it, and I think that's a good thing.

I love this line:

Further yourself from your dream of reality
Your bigoted elation - obstructed privacy
Insecurity through confrontation-
Insipidly insisting

That stood out to me as awesome.

8/10

Please crit my song, Success.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289797

[thirdeyeblindislit]

You my friend get an honorable mention for my award. I would have gave it to you but I already gave one out today. Anyway, like I have said before, word usage, and that is what you have a huge strength in. You are a very powerful writer it seems and I dont really see much wrong with this song. Nice Job and keep it up. 9.1/10. :thumb:

Please crit my song, Anthem of our crying children part one. Thanks. :chug:

[cerbius]

thnx a lot ppl.....any one else have aney other comments? any crit is greatly appreciated...

[broken_]

There is a strong lack of imagery for me, but it's not needed in this song. You had fun with vocabulary and tehcniques. Not a bad piece at all. I'd give you a full break down but I only do one a day haha. 7.5/10 Check me out if you will.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=290193

[cerbius]

thnx for the tips, ill try to get to all ur works as soon as possible....n e one else have any other crits at all? i would really like to improve on my work in anyway possible

[Fallenvictim]

All I see wrong is it would be a little short for a song, is it supposed to be one? If so, it's very good, nice work :thumb:

[cerbius]

no its not supposed to be a song..just something i wrote....a poem you could say.

[Fallenvictim]

no its not supposed to be a song..just something i wrote....a poem you could say.
On that note, it's a good poem, I find nothing wrong with it (it could make a good song too)

[cerbius]

thnx man...........n e one else? ne crit is greatlly appreciated

[cerbius]

Does any one else have any crits at all?

[Electric Riley]

And its these faults that lead us to
Tremble at our hopes of bliss
In the face of our once dreamt happy ending
Left to stop anticipating

Excelent start - you set up the song perfectly

Chastity broken by my realization
A d*mnation of fabrication
Comfort idealized in your eyes
My hopes- drifting

Good, some great imagery. I know I'm supposed to like the last line, but i dont feel that "drifting" is a suitable word

Further yourself from your dream of reality
Your bigoted elation - obstructed privacy
Insecurity through confrontation-
Insipidly insisting

Great use of words here. Probably best stanza of the song

Enfeebled by your lies
Your oh-so true lies
Deceiving yet sincere -
Sympathetically wavering

Still good, however meaning is sort of unclear

Hallucinations
Vaulted memories
Sought thoughts
Iron flaws

This is great, good imagery. I dont like "sought thoughts" much

It's these faults that lead us to
Our lost hopes of bliss

Good work, you have some genuine talent. Keep it up 8.5/10.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6274326

[The_One]

It's an alright song. Some parts get a bit confusing. And flow gets a tad chunky in some areas. Also, don't start the piece with "and."

7/10

[basskid]

I like how you start it with "and its these faults that lead us to" its seems like the reader has missed half of the song because you usually dont start a sentence with and. am I making any sence?

If you could crit mine it would be appreciated
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=290542

if my crit didnt really help you out then just say so along with your crit to me and I'll try again-ok!