"Judge" - please crit this song

[estel]

This is my latest effort. Any crits are much appreciated.
Also, if you could post your interpretation/understanding of the theme of the song, I'd love to know if the message came across clearly, but I would be glad f other interpretations are possible :)


Judge
We came to see the next big thing
genuflecting before this new messiah
I see that plastic halo is slipping
cracking your porcelain facade

So take this glittering gold and this adoration
elixirs for your ills, until a new one appears

Behind a carefully built veneer
made of glitter and white lies
lies a frail, underexpeosed child
protected by projected images

so take this glittering prize and whore yourself to the nation
eliciting our thrills, until a new one appears

you'e been overexposed but never revealed
engineered for mass appeal
outwardly rendering like a china doll
shallowly worshipped until you fall

when another the same rises

transient infatuation
fickle in one adoration
ravenous eyes and hollow minds
will mute your voice, tarnish your shine

your beauty was like the winter snow
pale, fragile, harmfully worthless
once this veneer is washed away
then we can again grow.

that's it ... thanks for reading :thumb:

[estel]

bump

doesn't someone have an opinion to offer?

[Sword2020]

First of all, it is about a pop star. It comes across great. It doesn't force the meaning down your throat, but everyone will know what you are talking about.

Heres so in put on the flow.
The last should be:
then again can we grow

the 5th and 7th stanzas, especially the fifth(it is of supreme quality) are the best of the song. Overall, it will fit with the right kind of music, but with the wrong, it will be terrible. With the right it will be really good.

[estel]

OK - something raised by sword (thanks for the +ive feedback)
What style of music would you all consider this to best fit under?

Any more opinions greatly valued. :D

[Sword2020]

I think the most importatn thing is that you write the music to fit how you feel with the song. I think that the music needs somewhat of an intellectual approach, because that is how the song is written. Nothing too heavy, too fast, or too hard.

[TheSeeker625]

It's good, it's good, I like it. The one thing I'm a bit unsure about is how it'll sound when put to music. I think something soft and slow is good too. However, it's solid songwriting
9/10

[Iron_Weed]

We came to see the next big thing
genuflecting before this new messiah
I see that plastic halo is slipping
cracking your porcelain facade

So take this glittering gold and this adoration
elixirs for your ills, until a new one appears

Behind a carefully built veneer
made of glitter and white lies
lies a frail, underexpeosed child
protected by projected images

so take this glittering prize and whore yourself to the nation
eliciting our thrills, until a new one appears

you'e been overexposed but never revealed
engineered for mass appeal
outwardly rendering like a china doll
shallowly worshipped until you fall

when another the same rises

transient infatuation
fickle in one adoration
ravenous eyes and hollow minds
will mute your voice, tarnish your shine

your beauty was like the winter snow
pale, fragile, harmfully worthless
once this veneer is washed away
then we can again grow.



One word man: Beautiful. I love this, don't change a word. I assume it's about disposible pop stars/celebrities.

10/10.

P.S. thanks for the crit.

[estel]

One word man: Beautiful. I love this, don't change a word. I assume it's about disposible pop stars/celebrities.

10/10.

hell yeah ... 10/10. Wow, I sure as hell wasn't expecting that on my second posted song.

Thanks to everyone so far, the positive feedback means a lot to me.
:D

[The_One]

First off, it really feels as though you were abusing your thesaurus. The words are used correctly, but they just don't give off the right feel. Like a robot talking. Flow is a bit chunky. But I like the theme running through this piece and for the most part I like how you portray it.

your beauty was like the winter snow
pale, fragile, harmfully worthless
once this veneer is washed away
then we can again grow.
This was probably the best line in the whole piece. Nice imagery. And I liked how you used the word veneer in a more appropriate manner that just fit right.

7/10