(what we have done) crit plz new song

[Nicktf69]

this a song i wrote its a poem but it could also be a song crit plz

verse- bloodshed almost everywhere
lifeless bodies on the ground
such much violence
its all abound

we wonder to ourselves
what we have encountered
is this a dream
just sit and wonder

chorus- what we have done
it brings crazy thoughts
to the top of our mind
tragedy or catastraphe
its all combined

what we have done
we cant erase
is it fate
or is it just another waste

what we have done x4

verse- it could have been managed
could have been tamed
its all a bunch of lies
who do we blame

is it the people
that are in charge
it could be them
it could be them

a new challange
what do we do now
more excuses on the way
i guess we must allow

chorus- x2

[The_One]

A little coheed and cambria-ish. It's alright. Flow is good. Semi interesting and original topic. Not much to crit about.

7/10

[Nicktf69]

thanx for the crit ne more

[Sword2020]

this a song i wrote its a poem but it could also be a song crit plz

verse- bloodshed almost everywhere
lifeless bodies on the ground
such much violence
its all abound
(Maybe abound should be changed to around)

we wonder to ourselves
what we have encountered
is this a dream
just sit and wonder
(Just sit and wonder sounsd bad, it needs to go, maybe re-write the stanza)

chorus- what we have done
it brings crazy thoughts
to the top of our mind
tragedy or catastraphe
its all combined
(Maybe instead put this:
what we have done
it brings crazy thoughts
to the top of the mind
tragedy or catastraphe
Well, its all combined)

what we have done
we cant erase
is it fate
or is it just another waste
(Maybe have this like this:
what we have done
Oh we cant erase
is it fate
or just another waste)

what we have done x4
(Good, gives variety)

verse- it could have been managed
could have been tamed
its all a bunch of lies
who do we blame
(This is good, maybe put an "and" before who in the last line)

is it the people
that are in charge
it could be them
it could be them
(Don't change this)

a new challange
what do we do now
more excuses (are) on the way
i guess we must allow

chorus- x2


Sounds good, I like it. Could be a really interesting song. Could you crit mine, The American Dream? Thanks.

[Nicktf69]

thank u iw ill for sure crit urs

[mr_jackalope]

bloodshed almost everywhere
lifeless bodies on the ground
such much violence
its all abound


What the...None of that makes any sense whatsoever. Bloodshed is not meant to be used in that context, "such much violence" is not part of the english language, and "its all abound" both forgets which version of "its/it's" to use and misuses abound (it should be around). You've killed the song in general by having a, for all intents and purposes, pointless introductory stanza.

The biggest problem is the incredible vagueness and lack of real focus. OK, they're killing people. And there are some allusions to the actions of the US in Iraq or Afghanistan. But you switch from a descriptory point of view to an omniscient first-person plural with no real link. You are not part of the song. It is soley a description of an event (sort of) and a sudden chorus-like chant about an opinion that may or may not be yours.

Overall, a little editing, punctuation, and rewording could salvage parts, but it needs some massive, massive work.

[Nicktf69]

thanx for the crits

[Nicktf69]

ne more

[xKONRADx]

i agree with mr jackalope, though i think he went a little over board on it. what i suggest to prevent this kind of thing is to start write using lines that are longer than 4 words. that way it wont get so fragmented and will have greater consistancy. also make sure you keep a focus on the song because that was the other big problem.

[xKONRADx]

you should also crit my song 'Revelation' thanks.

[jmusic4every]

i don't really get the song....the verses are arranged abnormally5.7/10