Challenge 81 - Voting

[SubtleDagger]

Disco Dragon
d0ped0g
jurialmunkey
addicted_tochaos
cytoplasmicglob
DFelon204409
hypocracy hater
6945
SubtleDagger
eranny70
RunAmokRampant
Sever
super deluxe

Lots of entries, get to it.

[jurialmunkey]

I'll be voting here:

Disco Dragon
d0ped0g
jurialmunkey
addicted_tochaos
cytoplasmicglob
DFelon204409
hypocracy hater
6945
SubtleDagger
eranny70
RunAmokRampant
Sever
super deluxe

[super deluxe]

8 Disco Dragon- You’ve improved a lot since I was last doing these. The high powered vocab is good, but with a topic like this you might consider a contrast in tone.

7 d0ped0g- The chorus was so good, and then you had to go and rhyme “day” with “away”! Nice alliteration in some places…”fabled face”. Some of the vocab seems extraneous though. Sometimes simple is a good thing.

1 Jurialmunkey- Yesss! This is the kind of good things I remember from these challenges. A chorus that makes sense, and has good flow, along with some really great lines… “old vampire postulations” and “only dead fish swim with the current”

6 addicted_tochaos- I like this because it seems like something someone could actually put to music. Unlike many things I read here. The topic was a little trite, but aren’t all famous songs like that?

Cytoplasmicglob- ?

3 DFelon204409- I liked it until I got to the ending when it turned preachy and like every Tool song ever, only hip-hop. Best use of the challenge word, though. And good job on rhyming in a way that didn’t make me want to stick pencils in my eyes.

11 hypocracy hater- yawn

2 6945- Wonderful flow to this- that’s the song’s strongest point. I wasn’t crazy about “longevity’s oasis/…” I realize that it fits in the rhythm, but something about the words themselves seems a bit jerky. But other than that, very nice.

4 SubtleDagger- This seems pretty clear cut and straightforward. Good, but nothing really goes above and beyond the call of duty. Except for the “but when he left/ tore their roots” line, which is awesome.

10 eranny70- The fact that you say “my man” makes me really hate this song. Other than that it’s pretty bland.

9 RunAmokRampant- The word “its” is the possessive of “it.” The word “it’s” is a contraction of “it is.” BIG DIFFERENCE. Other than that, the song seems to have an interesting story, but excessive vocabulary strangles it. Just ‘cause you know lots of big words doesn’t mean you need to use them all at once.

5 Sever- I have a feeling everybody will be saying something like this to you, but while you’ve written something ever so poetic, I can’t imagine anybody possibly singing it.

super deluxe- bitch!

[d0ped0g]

Disco Dragon 6th
“You’ll never make an imprint in this life!” was the only one of the italized comments I liked. It suggests the protagonist is dying and making peice with himself (unless the word "father" is directed at god). The last line seems to suggest that he actually survives? I dont get it. It should be straightforward but it isnt for me. Love the ideas of no excuse to bleed, "a haphazord photo book", and also about the abusive messiah. The intermissions do fit in towards a slightly strange song structure
7/10

jurialmunkey 2nd
typical jurial. Loved "old vampire postulations" but didnt understand quite how it was used. "Self important palpitations" went really well in the second stanza. I can honestly say i didnt understand one bit of the first 2 lines of the 3rd stanza. But the way you end it almost makes me forget about the overly cryptic nature of the first 2. Was able to connect deeply with stanza 4. Well done there. The rest is supurb. I'm guessing this song is about somebody just on the verge of death? Am i right? Anyway, absolutely amazing song.
8.5/10

addicted_tochaos 7th
very mysterious what is going on here. I didnt have to decipher every word to paint a picture like jurials. Its well done, but i just cant get a sence of what its about. What i'm looking for... wasnt me anymore. Suggests an identity crisis. And the last stanza suggests suicide, or more that he wants the whole world to collapse untop of him. He want chaos, and she want to orchestrate it. But this still doesnt lead me to a bigger picture and how everything intwines. If you give me a bigger understanding than i might give u a better grade.
6.8/10

from this point on i cbf doing thoughtful crits

DFelon204409 4th
omg lets try and b different and write a rap song, not to mention one that doesnt mention blunts, bitches OR 40's. Good work tho. Nice psuedo-unconventional touch.
7.5/10

hypocracy hater 10th
WOW! it doesnt even matter that this song is 4 lines long (not to mention with an average of 2.5 words per line) , BECAUSE EACH LETTER SPEAKS 1000 WORDS!!! ITS THAT DEEP (NOT!!!!!). Honestly, this has to be a joke... or wasnt intended as a song.
0.0000000000000000000000000000000001/10

6945 5th
The short broken up lines are making my head ache. I hate headaches. Not a bad song tho. Not amazing tho.
7.3/10

SubtleDagger 1st
Love the title. Pitty your control of the english language is so tedious that it makes me fall asleep. Wait a sex! I like sleep! When I sleep I sometimes score fine *** ho's, rather than the flabby *** ho's i get in real life.
8.6/10

eranny70 11th
OMG U R BANNED SHAME f@g0+ !!!!
-9999999999999999999999/10

RunAmokRampant 8th
RunAmok, pixies is right. You are trying to use too many big words that just seem, not necessarily used wrongly, but still out of place. I think he probably overexaggerated the extent on which u do this, and from my knowledge u prolly arent a faggot. Kudos for trying to better your writing. Baby steps wont get u anywhere, especially up staircases.
6.7/10

Sever 9th
Abit too wordy (although ur description worked to ur advantage aswell). Didnt flow well enough. Liked the lines "and death interchange blood-blistered faces and stonewall facades." and "for whom love and war hold hands and salivate on peaceful rapture."
6.5/10

super deluxe 3rd
This cant be good! You only used one 4-syllable word. Use bigger words Captain!! Just kidding. It was alright. Quite poetic.
7.6/10

[DFelon204409]

Ratings:

Disco Dragon - 5.8 - So this is what the few people who have voted so far have pooped themselves over? Lame sauce yo. I found your language to be unrealistic. A kid who is being beaten to death hardly has time for irony until he's dead and you write the poem as it's happening and not as a complete retrospective, which would have made more sense. Also, what kid who would drink alcohol but also be completely abused by a father. I'm believing either the kid is the most frail 14+ year old ever created or you just thought the line was a clever relationship of ideas and included it despite implausibility. There's just so many holes in this that seem exist because you cared more about being clever (which is sad because this isn't that clever) then actually fleshing out the storyline or events.

d0ped0g - 6.9 - Overwritten but hthat yields some interesting ideas and lines. Unfortunately the high density causes this to sink.

jurialmunkey - 7.6 - This song is oddly tender despite some gross images like dead fish and pupate. That balance is the only main interest of the song I think other than the dead fish line, which is just really cool. There are a few zingers yes. Good song in mood and tone and what you have sort of formed out of a lot of disparate ideas but it's not immaculate.

addicted_tochaos - 7.8 - This may be totally unfair and biased but this song's tone matched up perfectly with the background song (Heiruspecs - "Heartsprings") so I dunno. It just struck me as incredibly poignant. I just hate the repetition in the ending.

cytoplasmicglob - No

DFelon2044095 - No

hypocracy hater - No

6945 - 6.5 - Pretty decent. The stanza about darkness is the only one that really stood out to me though.

SubtleDagger - 6.3 - I sort of read this wondering when it was going to kick my *** but it took far too long. The ending is sick but nothing else really lives up to it. It's not a bad song at all but I have seen better from you and others in this challenge.

eranny70 - 4.5 - It's a bad lyric in the first place but you are especially cursed by the fact that you got owned by the challenge word. It kept you locked in the scene of a hospital, which is highly predictable and boring. it's pretty much what Ashlee Simpson would do.

RunAmokRampant - 5.0 - Do you play Dungeons and Dragons? Have you ever masturbated to a picture of that chick from Star Trek who is now on Boston Public if that show didn't get canceled? Because that would make sense. This reads like some overdone fanboy poem. It's not terrible and there are some nice complexities but it's almost unreadable to me because it's so insignificant yet blown out of proportion.

Sever - 7.0 - This is pretty freakin cool. Everything is really powerful except I feel that there's a little bit of telling instead of showing. It's gets somewhat didactic in feel as if you have to explain your own logic to us. Be more clever than that.

super deluxe - 6.8 - Priiiiiittttyyyyy.


Rankings:
1. addicted_tochaos
2. jurialmunky
3. sever
4. dopedog
5. superdeluxeho
6. 6945
7. subtledagger
8. DD
9. runamok
10. errany

[RunAmokRampant]

Another long entry list

Disco Dragon 9/10 3rd
To me this piece has made itself very interesting within a common topic of abuse. Very emotional piece and the italic sentences fit almost perfectly. The first and last work well together in opening the piece and closing it leaving a lasting impression. I enjoyed reading it. Thick with emotion and doesn't cling on to cliches. Well done

d0ped0g 9.2/10 1st
Hmm quite a good song. Simple structure, flow nice and even. I really enjoyed the 4th stanza, very cleverly written and fluent. Where it lacks in emotion it makes up for with good imagery. I loved this line "A fevered flatliner cursed with the pain of a pulse". I must say this is a LOT better than your previous song IMO.

jurialmunkey 8.9/10 4th
Wow. The LC veteran strikes again. That's quite a song although it might lose it's appeal to some who have a limited vocabulary and imagination, I found it quite good. Very well written and fluent with the flow of words within a smooth rhyming scheme. The meaning floats around a bit with me and some lines are well.. umm quite unique eg. "Crushes all the kittens; into boxes" and "Cut the tails off the dogs; don't look pretty". And nice title too.

addicted_tochaos 7.5/10 6th
I love your chorus. Its quite dramatic. I do not understand the reason behind the use of days (eg Thursday and Sunday) but I'm sure it means something but I honestly don't have a clue. The consistent use of imagery is well done to with crystal and glass and I like consistency in songs. It keeps it from going astray and becoming confusing


DFelon204409 8/10 5th
To me this is kind of structured as a rap song. I'm not big into rap but that's pretty irrelevant because the content in this is a lot more intricate than the crap that comes off the radio. Although to me it would sound a bit strange hearing it as a rap song, nonetheless it would be very interesting and your song does raise eyebrows. well mine anyway. Quite thought provoking stuff.

hypocracy hater 1/10 11th
Well this isn't hard to crit. WAY too short and simple if you think your song is serious but to me looks like a 10 sec job. So my crit will be same. Don't waste our time voting for something that you obviously didn't really put your mind too. Next time if you ever do, put more effort. :rolleyes:

6945 7/10 7th
Im guessing this song is about old age. Not too bad but definitely not your best IMO. It doesn't stick out to me and the last bit sounds quite awkward and a bit robotic particulary the last 3 lines. Nice interesting topic but could have expanded it further and the 4th stanza you should revise. The words gasp and grasp sound too familiar with each other and doesn't sound right to me with the rest of the stanza

SubtleDagger 9.1/10 2nd
As soon as I read the title I knew this piece was going to be good. And it didn't disappoint at all. Even though the topic might be ordinary, it's presented, structured and worded pretty much perfectly. Not as many standout lines like some other entries but the last stanza stood out very well and a fitting end to an interesting song. I also liked the clock and plant metaphors too. Without those, it would have been a dry song to me

eranny70 6/10 10th
This would probably a good song with music but the lack of technique and description lets it down. There are also some cliche lines in their too and they're pretty easy to point out but the twist at the end redeems this song from being dull.

Sever 6.5/10 9th
This looks more structured for an english essay rather than a song. The effect your trying to create has been done before and the reason I don't like it because it's harder to read when its all over the place like that and to me the message of your song (if there was any) is hard to find as well if you used any techniques. It might sound good with music but it should be better organised next time. But nice try and you do have some nice content too and would sound heaps better if structured into stanzas rather just splayed everywhere and its way easier to concentrate while reading it when it's nicely sectioned. I have read this more closely and have recieved a better grasp of the concept but it still sounds like something from a textbook

super deluxe 6.8/10 8th
Ok this not a bad piece but I will point out what I believe should be revised

'Hairs in the drain are cursive curses'. The cursive curses throws off what might have been a decent line. Ok now thanks to Dfelon's for noticing my error I apologise for my misunderstanding. But my opinion remians the same. I still don't think it sounds right.

'The waves doesn't care for nicotine sobs' Just a little hint to proof read to your piece more. 'don't' should have been in place of 'doesn't'. Other than that it's not a bad effort with some rather interesting metaphors.

[Sever]

saving spot

Disco Dragon
d0ped0g
jurialmunkey
addicted_tochaos
cytoplasmicglob
DFelon204409
hypocracy hater
6945
SubtleDagger
eranny70
RunAmokRampant
Sever
super deluxe

[eranny70]

Disco Dragon 1
d0ped0g 5
jurialmunkey 11
addicted_tochaos 12
cytoplasmicglob 10
DFelon204409 2
hypocracy hater 4
6945 7
SubtleDagger 9
eranny70 3
RunAmokRampant 6
Sever 13
super deluxe 8

[6945]

Disco Dragon 7.8 Stong abusive father/son theme. You touched on alcohol a couple times but never really completed that thought. The only verse I didn’t care for was the haphazard photo book one. Not the idea but the wording seemed awkward to me. Otherwise good writing.

d0ped0g 7.7 Opening seems a bit over embellished and wordy for lyrical piece. I like the chorus and the middle verses seem to settle into a better pattern than the opening. Good theme and use of the topic word. Just the beginning kinda made me squint…loved the rest

jurialmunkey 8 For me this all seemed to wheel around the middle part "so soften sharp hearts" very lyrical. The verse's seemed a mix of poignant discriptive and….I don’t know what to label "crushes all the kittens" part. Seems a bit glib in contrast. Excellent use of topic

addicted_tochaos 6 You must admit this has a touch of "Sap" ( but no dead kittens at least). I'm thinking I should get the Thursday/Friday…Sunday thing, but I don’t. I can see this as a nice emotional song, with the right accompaniment but I don’t see it scoring to well here. Didnt care much for how the topic word was used.

cytoplasmicglob this one I like….Silence is golden

DFelon204409 8 different presentation, pulled it off pretty good I think. Almost like a caffiene but more coherant. The content gets better as one progresses...kindof a SciFi feel. Maybe the gimmick of the delievery atones for the content

hypocracy hater 1 is this for real?

6945

SubtleDagger 7 smooth as per ususal from you. Topic word was used well…despite all the belly aching you did about it…but this seems to slip into the jilted/whoas me romance novel category. Hated the title.

eranny70 2 I cant help feeling a little responsible for this…having picked the topic and all

RunAmokRampant 7 1st 2 lines kinda contradict don’t they? This is a pretty ambitous piece of writing and while it's constructed and penned very well it seems to be missing something. There's no tug on emotions, nothing to identify with outright.

Sever 5 Not to say its not interesting…but I don’t see lyrics here…and this is a lyrical challenge

super deluxe 6 I just cant find the pattern or purpose for this one

ranks
Disco Dragon 3rd
d0ped0g 4th
jurialmunkey 1st
addicted_tochaos 7th
DFelon204409 2nd
hypocracy hater 11th
6945
SubtleDagger 6th
eranny70 10th
RunAmokRampant 5th
Sever 9th
super deluxe 8th

[ivegotafriend]

I can only make a quick comment but i thought all entries had their own strengths (well, those I read) and would like to nominate disco dragon for no. 1

[Disco Dragon]

Disco Dragon
d0ped0g
jurialmunkey
addicted_tochaos
cytoplasmicglob
DFelon204409
hypocracy hater
6945
SubtleDagger
eranny70
RunAmokRampant
Sever
super deluxe


oh, and by the way ivegotafriend, you have to rank EVERYBODY that entered a song, not just one. please read the rules.

[ATC]

disco- the italic lines were a dam'n nice touch. the rest was good but sketchy. i liked the picturebook bit and the first verse. the middle sections seemed uneven, but somehow might work well as a song. i like the feel of it, overdone though the topic might be, it probably relates to a lot of people. 5

dopedog- i love the use of the bilateral butterfly. absolutely loved it. i have a feeling this wins. 1

jmunk- twisted radiohead. i get a very synth feel to this. the last few stanzas are very interesting. 6

dfelon- melikes. it just sounds so..cool. flows like a muthafcuka. 3

6945- I like. It just isn't amazing. Yet. 4

HH- haha, mustn't hit a brick wall, indeed. 11, sorry, i'd love to vote you higher.

Subtle- Pardon me while i listen to reworkings of classic poems by Celtic artists. I like this, a lot. It's clever and beautiful. It's your recent best. 2

eranny- one line is its saving grace. the last one. The rest I don't particularly care for. 10

runamok- It's faults are not its big words. There is not much room for emotion is all. I like any attempt to tell a story, so its all good. Have you checked out the album i recommended? Might help. 7

sever- I can't really comment cos i don't feel anything reading this. Sounds like rambling. It takes two to birth, usually involves a female. But eh. Sounds like one of those ..core thingies i tend to stay away from. 9

Super d- That last line brings me many bad memories of looped U2 downloads. It doesnt float my boat. 8

[pixiesfanyo]

Disco Dragon - 6
Your use of the word was so insanely the most obvious way, that pissed me off. Along with the rest of the song being pretty mediocre
d0ped0g - 5
I guess it was decent, seems like a ****ty metal song though.
jurialmunkey - 2
The kitten line reminded me of modest mouse. I like modest mouse.
addicted_tochaos - 7
I've seen you use that glass house thing like 4 times. Tsk Tsk.
cytoplasmicglob - **** you and your **** tricks.
DFelon204409 - 3
You could do something like that Angela's Secret song off of the new TAAS cd with this. It's like rapped kind of? I liked it though, it's awesome.
hypocracy hater - 11
get hit by a car.
6945 - 8
This was short, but not sweet.
SubtleDagger - 1
The title is pretty stupid, why not just call it. "I'm going to blow my brains out". ******.
eranny70 - Ha you're banned!
RunAmokRampant - 9
Way to try to seem sweet by using big words. Faggot.
Sever - 10
Mehr. Prose pisses me off.
super deluxe - 4
" DUDE, CURSIVE AND CURSES HAS THE SAME MEANING". What the **** is that faggot talking about, this is great I always enjoy your crap.

[SubtleDagger]

ME AM VOTE

Disco Dragon - Forced rhymes all over, nu-metal teen angst mentality, quote lines are awful. The rhyming in this one is just so bad, though, I don't see how anyone could possibly appreciate it.
Rank: 10th

d0ped0g - This is alright. Wordplay is good, storyline and imagery isn't so great. You also sound too much like Bixler, which you may think is a compliment.
Rank: 4th

jurialmunkey - This is real good. Great imagery and metaphor. Nice.
Rank: 1st

addicted_tochaos - Sounds like a Breaking Benjamin song. Or at least a really boring metal song. Imagery isn't so great, pretty predictable actually.
Rank: 7th

DFelon204099 - Sounds like a rap song, which means it sounds like a big run-on sentence, with too many "because" repeats. Some of the imagery's good, I'm not a big fan of the way you're conveying your message, though.
Rank: 3rd

HH - lol
Rank: 11th

6495 - Pretty good, some lines are too cliche and teen angsty. Your rhyme scheme is off wth your rhythm in a few places as well.
Rank: 5th

eranny - Some of the imagery is alright, last line is good. Rest is meh.
Rank: 6th

RunAmokRampant - BORING. MAKES ME WANT TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS TO TELL YOU HOW BORING IT IS. SO I AM. BORING.
Rank: 9th

Sever - It's pretty good, just not extremely poetic. That's all.
Rank: 8th

super deluxe - Hm. This is good. A bit odd, but good. Needs more leads, though, it's a bit confusing even to me.
[b]Rank: 2nd

Whoooooopee.