tomorrows yesterday

[shadowsfallon711]

this is kind of a 2 part song tomorrows yesterday and yesterdays tomorrow the whole regret no regrets sort of thing you figure out which is which ill post yesterdays tomorrow soon maybe not the best song but i havent written in over a week :amaze: i usuaslly write every day

wishing you could turn back time
fixing every link you broke
tryed to swallow your pride
but you still choked

you played with peoples trust
doing all that you must
just trying to get by
you have wings but never learned to fly

our past represents our future
decisions have been made
but you had no say

you played with peoples trust
doing all that you must
just trying to get by
you have wings but never learned to fly

Though you gave all your might
You still lost the fight
The entire story has been written without you
So the book remains the same

[perry589]

wishing you could turn back time
fixing every link you broke
tryed to swallow your pride
but you still choked
Good beginning. Sets up the rest of the song. 'Tryed' is spelled tried.

you played with peoples trust
doing all that you must
just trying to get by
you have wings but never learned to fly
Quite a good chorus. The first and last lines are good. The second line rhyme is too forced, you could pharse the line differently. The third line is ok.

our past represents our future
decisions have been made
but you had no say
This verse is ok. The first two lines are ok ,but the third line doesn't seem to fit in and the third line could be improved.


entire story has been written without you
though you gave all your might
still you lost the fight
the book still remains the same (not sure about this verse)
Not the best ending to a song. the lines are not in the right order to make the verse flow.The last verse could be....
Though you gave all your might
You still lost the fight
The entire story has been written without you
So the book remains the same.....but i would scrap it.

Overall, the song is better than ok, but less than good. i give it a 7.4/10. :thumb:

P.S Do you write a song a day or ideas, usually????

[shadowsfallon711]

both i try to write ideas then they form a verse then chorus and so on but bout everyother day i write a song

[i am the robots]

wishing you could turn back time
fixing every link you broke
tryed to swallow your pride
but you still choked

Nice and easy to get, good rhymescheme, no flaws 8/10

you played with peoples trust
doing all that you must
just trying to get by
you have wings but never learned to fly

AABB my friend... you return to make the song suck.... just kidding
Aside from the rhymescheme and the 80's style cheesiness I like the message 6/10

our past represents our future
decisions have been made
but you had no say

No rhyme, nice, good flow, good message yet again! 7/10

Though you gave all your might
You still lost the fight
The entire story has been written without you
So the book remains the same

Ohhh, nice.... very nice, nothing bad to say about this... deep! 10/10

Overall I'd say the song is an 8/10

Now please crit Flame In The Ashes

[slpntrx5]

i liked it. but the concept i think is a little overplayed. i mean there are WAY too many songs out there about pain and breakups. you should maybe revise this to make it stand out a little more from the others. good song though. 8/10

[shadowsfallon711]

i mean there are WAY too many songs out there about pain and breakupswtf dude its not about breakups its about regreting what you have done. im gonna write a song about a regretless person so basically the opposite

[sparkylp2002]

wishing you could turn back time
fixing every link you broke
tryed to swallow your pride
but you still choked

Good opening here. I cant really come up with anything constructive to say here. sorry

you played with peoples trust
doing all that you must
just trying to get by
you have wings but never learned to fly

I dont like the ryme scheme here. It seems a bit forced i must say. I like the last line of this verse here, that line is worded very well. There is something about the first two lines i dont like, but i just cant put my finger on it.

our past represents our future
decisions have been made
but you had no say

My only gripe on this verse is the last line here. You were going good with the first two lines, but the last line ruined it. I would reccomend that you change that last line.

Though you gave all your might
You still lost the fight
The entire story has been written without you
So the book remains the same

This isnt the best ending for the song. It is a good verse, but not a good ending. Gripes on here are that the ryming of "might" and "fight" seems forced here. Thats about all i can come up with here.

Overall

This was a good piece here. However there were a few minor problems, which i pointed out. This piece seemed a bit bland when i was reading it though. Also i would recomend a different ending here. 6.5/10

[shadowsfallon711]

thanx part 2 wil be up tomorrow so check it out