So I’ll Devote Sympathy To the Traitor

[factor46]

So I’ll Devote Sympathy To the Traitor

Around the opulence lay filth,
Subsisting with beautiful aroma.
Disgust.

As the ice travels down my back,
Crystal blades fit for weaponry.
But refill my lungs not with air, but venom,
Just so I can see how it feels to cope like you.

And I’ll hold myself to this oath,
Shant forget.

White walls in all eight directions,
No window, no door,
This is how I’ll exist,
I’ll lie here in this arrogance,
But the ceiling feels too close to my head.
I tremble.

-------------------------------------------------

Please crit. :D

[factor46]

c'mon guys! i need some crits!

[Devilinferno2]

Around the opulence lay filth,
Subsisting with beautiful aroma.
Disgust.

Good opening. just add something to digust, like "and digust" to make more sense. 7/10


As the ice travels down my back,
Crystal blades fit for weaponry.
But refill my lungs not with air, but venom,
Just so I can see how it feels to cope like you.

2nd line better if "like crystal......"
3rd line better if "but they refill...."
7/10

And I’ll hold myself to this oath,
Shant forget.

White walls in all eight directions,
No window, no door,
This is how I’ll exist,
I’ll lie here in this arrogance,
But the ceiling feels too close to my head.
I tremble.

Quite a good ending, nothing to comment. 7/10

around 70%. well, the title and the content doesn't link much, you left us hanging mysteriously at the ending. that's a good thing, but perhaps include more content to add to the mysteriousity.

[factor46]

Thanks man. :D I'll be sure to take your comments into consideration.