Please Help Polish This Song

[UnDeRoAtHfAn777]

This one is called Occasional Romance. It is an attempt at storytelling(it's about a couple that, although neither of them want to break up, think they need to.)


We both knew from the start
The first crack would tear us apart
The time has come to say goodbye
So we both try to hide

Never again
Never again

Chorus
I'll wake up and it will be done
I'll shield my eyes from the sun.
But hope remains in the most fragile of glasses
One last chance
One last chance

I look into your eyes and see
The sad truth staring back at me.
Your not the only one to blame.
Let me bare some of the shame.

Never again
Never again

Chorus

Bridge
You held me in your arms your arms
"My tears will heal the pain."
All is forgotten now
Make way for the day.

Never again
Never again
Never again

Ok, to break it down, the beginning verses show the couple kind of anticipating the break up. The prechorus shows them saying that they don't want what went wrong to happen again. The chorus is the guy contemplating whether he should get the break up over with or give it another chance. The next verse emphasizes the fact that they both know its coming. The bridge is kinda of a picture of them crying together and forgiving each other. The last set of "Never Again"s is them saying that they don't want to go through the almost break up again.

[Devilinferno2]

]We both knew from the start
The first crack would tear us apart
The time has come to say goodbye
So we both try to hide

I like the idea that "The first crack would tear us apart". The last line needs a word, like "hide away" or something. 7/10

Never again
Never again

Chorus
I'll wake up and it will be done
I'll shield my eyes from the sun.
But hope remains in the most fragile of glasses
One last chance
One last chance

I can sense the emotion in the last 2 repetitions of "one last chance" like, having a dying, fallen hope for reconciliation or something. Well, the crit here is the first 2 lines, the 2nd seems to be forced ryhmed for "sun and "done", so the 2nd line doesn't fit in that much. 7/10

I look into your eyes and see
The sad truth staring back at me.
Your not the only one to blame.
Let me bare some of the shame.

Last 2 lines are great, but the first 2 are mediocre i can say. nothing to comment 6/10

Never again
Never again

Chorus

Bridge
You held me in your arms your arms
"My tears will heal the pain."
All is forgotten now
Make way for the day.

The repetition of "your arms" is unesessary. 6/10

Never again
Never again
Never again

about 65%. i like the ideas for the song, perhaps be a little more descriptive, use some vocab. but good song, proper flow.

[slpntrx5]

i really like this song. i only found one problem with it. the rhyming patterns in the song are just a little off. like in one verse youve got an a-b-a-b pattern and then u change it to an a-a-b-b pattern. its just a minor thin g though. forget about it.
:-)

[UnDeRoAtHfAn777]

Yeah, I didn't mean to repeat the your arms part it was a typo and as for the mediocre parts, I agree and I saw it coming b/c those were pretty forced. Any suggestions for the 1st part of the chorus or second verse?

Edit: And as for the rhyming part, I don't really pay attention to rhyme scheme when I am writing. I like it when it changes throughout the song.