Hollow (YCMICY)

[Syncratic]

Well, here is a song I wrote about, well, you can guess if you read it.....you critique me, I'll critique you. I'm looking for any feedback.

Hollow

You could've said something,
you said nothing.
You could've done something,
you did nothing.
You could've stepped up,
but you stayed down.

(Chorus):
Pay attention,
to the ridiculed.
Pay attention,
to the one they throw around.
Pay attention,
to the one in the corner.
Pay attention,
or wait for them to shoot you down.

You could've intervened,
but you played it safe.
You could've helped,
but you were selfish.
You could've been a friend,
but you stayed the enemy.

(Chorus)

You know one of these days,
their gonna shoot you down.
From your throne of misery,
laughing as their evil's dead.

[HappySuicidal]

Very angst-ridden song, the message comes across as powerful, but it isn't anything that hasn't been heard before. Keep in mind that the audience you are writing to is much likely to be a sypathizer, not the enemy, so the use of "you" while forcing a stronger emotion, alienates the llistener (or reader). Write songs to yourself and to your audience, unless you want to play by yourself, in whic case only the former applies.

laughing as their evil's dead.

this line doesn't make sense.

You could've said something,
you said nothing.
You could've done something,
you did nothing.
You could've stepped up,
but you stayed down.

I like the could've/but structure you did in the verses. It forces a guilt onto the listener that enhances the emotion.


If I could offer one redeemer to this song it would be to uncover more of the emotions of the tormented. Good song...

MINE, Please Crit...
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=284202