This needle

[sparkylp2002]

Here is another song by me. Crit for a Crit. enjoy

This Needle

A misinterpreted
Fixation of glory
A false prophet
Preaching to you
The solution to your problems

Chorus: The last thread
Connecting you
To the world
Has finally been cut
By this needle

A temporary flight
Of the grandest illusion
Reality no longer exists
In the depths
Of your eyes

The fall down
Is greater
Than the climb up
With no security net
There is nothing
To save you
From hitting rock bottom

Chorus

A slow fade out
Of everything
That’s now left behind
Saying your goodbye
But no ones listening

Chorus

A victim’s story
Left unread
Forget the drama
It won’t change
The ending
To this tragic story

[sparkylp2002]

anybody, have anything to say here.

[HappySuicidal]

Your song is quite nice, though it seems slightly disconnected. You don't appear to emotionally involved in the song. The third-person untouched telling though does work well for the song, if thats what you wanted. The song is very smooth, with a solid tone maintained throughout. Very nice...

CRIT MINE :) http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=284202

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks for the crit. I finished your song now.

[POOSTAIN]

There's nothing I would take away or add to it. I think it gets the point across, has a few creative and original ways of looking at things, and isn't a headache to decipher. 9/10 because I listen to a lot of NIN and he mentions needles all the time.

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks for the crit

[sparkylp2002]

If you crit and you want me to get to your piece leave a link or the title of your song.

[Devilinferno2]

A misinterpreted
Fixation of glory
A false prophet
Preaching to you
The solution to your problems

Quite an abrupt starting, but it can be tolerated. Just change if you have the time. 7/10

Chorus: The last thread
Connecting you
To the world
Has finally been cut
By this needle

A little of Pit humor "last thread". well Good ,short simple chorus. 7.5/10

A temporary flight
Of the grandest illusion
Reality no longer exists
In the depths
Of your eyes

Another great verse. 7.5/10

The fall down
Is greater
Than the climb up
With no security net
There is nothing
To save you
From hitting rock bottom

This one is so-so compared to the others. 7/10

Chorus

A slow fade out
Of everything
That’s now left behind
Saying your goodbye
But no ones listening

This one is a little weak compared to the others. 6/10

Chorus

A victim’s story
Left unread
Forget the drama
It won’t change
The ending
To this tragic story

Good ending. 7/10

Well, good one overall, just a little something : make your strong verses even more powerful, then, the weak ones would be like for the readers to catch a breath, before going back to the intense verses.

around 70%. i like the chorus.

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks for the crit.

[DougJI]

A misinterpreted
Fixation of glory
A false prophet
Preaching to you
The solution to your problems
I don't know what I like about this verse, it seems good though. 7.5/10

Chorus: The last thread
Connecting you
To the world
Has finally been cut
By this needle
Awesome. It's perfect for a chorus. 9.5/10

A temporary flight
Of the grandest illusion
Reality no longer exists
In the depths
Of your eyes
Im liking the picture you are painting. 8/10

The fall down
Is greater
Than the climb up
With no security net
There is nothing
To save you
From hitting rock bottom
Doesn't fit in with the previous verse too well.... it feels like I am looking at someone, and then they're falling for no apparent reason.... it is a good verse though. 6.5/10

Chorus

A slow fade out
Of everything
That’s now left behind
Saying your goodbye
But no ones listening
Seems to fit... no comment other then that. 7.5/10

Chorus

A victim’s story
Left unread
Forget the drama
It won’t change
The ending
To this tragic story
Awesome till the last line. I hate the word story. That line is cliched anyways. Do I different last line.
-----------
Overall. Pretty good poem. 7.5/10. Needs a little fixing up though.
EDIT: Please crit mine... http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=284201

[Shtein]

i like it very catchy

and some parts are deep

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks for the crit

[shadowsfallon711]

i know i said you should do indepth crits but there wasnt a single thing i didnt like about this so im not going to say much more but awesome
tomorrows yesterday

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks for your input.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Hey,
Ok I wish I could give you an indepth crit, but I havent had that much time on the computer lately. Sorry. But I really only have one question. How do you cut a thread with a needle? Anyway, it was an ok song, but not your best. It still seems to sound like all your others. But nice job. 7/10. Sorry it wasnt longer. :thumb:

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks thirdeye........I cant help it if it sounds like the otheres.

[sparkylp2002]

Hey,
Ok I wish I could give you an indepth crit, but I havent had that much time on the computer lately. Sorry. But I really only have one question. How do you cut a thread with a needle? Anyway, it was an ok song, but not your best. It still seems to sound like all your others. But nice job. 7/10. Sorry it wasnt longer. :thumb:

I didnt mean it literaly when i said cut the thread with the needle. There are probaly a couple things the needle could be. When i wrote it, it was intended for a drug refrence. Which means the drugs have disconnected you from the rest of the world. Hope that helps.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

OK that helps. I'll talk to you later. I wont be coming back on here for a while so I hope that you reach your goal of 1,000. :thumb:

[IOWNU200]

I was going to go indepth, but then I realized I'd be sucking up to you. This song was pretty brilliant all the way through. I saw no flaws, whatsoever. This is such a huge step up from the last one of your songs I read. This could possibly be your best ever. I really enjoyed it. Brilliant

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks tht makes me feel special IOWNU200

[sparkylp2002]

Im giving this a bump

[theworldwillneverbeperfect]

this is sparky im just bumping this.

[sparkylp2002]

here is another bump. please crit.

[d0ped0g]

all i have to say that its bloody good... but loses marks because its abit too obvious, which is not that good in a song about drugs. i'd give it a solid 8/10, maybe 8.5

I wrote a song about hell, which is a sequal to a song about heroin addiction, so its sort of about drugs too.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=286213
if u wanna crit my first one (its much better) then heres the link to that
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/13012672/

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks for the crit

[sparkylp2002]

One last bump before i let this die.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Just let it die!

Just kidding.

[Thechristianslovetheirguns]

it's great on the expression but the flow is not that good and at times it doesn't make that much sense...

7/10

could you crit mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6168780#post6168780

[sparkylp2002]

can you tell me what parts didnt make sense.

[The_One]

I like it. It's catchy. Nice imagery. The only problem is that it is kind of vague so your imagery doesn't really lead up to anything in some parts. Good work though.

8/10