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Something_Vague
12-31-2004, 01:39 PM
Please, don't bitch about the vampire topic, it was a school project, so just do as usual and crit, and leave a link afterwards and I'll get yours.

PS: I'm not a goth, I ****ing hate goths.



An Attempt to Put Romance and Blood in Submission

The dark allies have blindfolded my vision,
In an attempt to put romance in a poetic submission.
"You break it you buy it, so why won't they buy my heart...”
Fate can be intertwined in the strangest ways on the saddest days.
"Odd meeting you here, kind of late don't you think?"
Her hair was jet black and long, seductive at nature.
The frost was feeding off her very breath as she spoke.
"What's your name...?” As her tongue gently wiped her glossy lips.
An exclusive beauty just out of reach, "We'll be together...”

"Maybe the night will find us again."

A midnight's chill sends my spine to tingle hoping you feel the same.
The glimmer of the moon off her placid blue eyes sent shockwaves through my lips.
"I love you...but right now I feel more alive than I ever did, than I ever will...”
"Well, I love you too, but right now isn't the best time for me to be getting involved..."
The sophisticated tone in which she spoke lured me in even further, I was her pray...
"Well, maybe we could go one just one more date, you know, to make sure it isn't right."
"Sure, I'll be ready tomorrow at ten."
She then gave a kiss goodnight and strolled away into the darkness of the park.

"Maybe the night will find us again...”

The hot steam off of ventilators from industrial buildings sped up my thoughts.
Unknowing of what could come next in the same dark alley in which we met.
"This isn't the most romantic place for a date. I was thinking a cafe or something...”
"Well I'm not your average girl, I like the dark mysterious places, and they suit me better."
Her satin velvet hair fluttered in the moist stagnant air, compelling me to ask her.
"I am what you expected, I mean. Do you think this will last forever, I'd hope it would."
"Well, we'll see with a kiss and only a kiss with convince me this is love."

So many broken promises end with a kiss.
So many forgotten lusts start with a kiss, a single kiss is all she wanted.
My endearing vanity compelled my put our romance and blood in submission.
My protrusions wouldn't let her nectar escape my grasp; she was mine, for eternity.

Devilinferno2
12-31-2004, 09:56 PM
another epic saga, similar to mine's "Hell's Befalling"

i'd crit it.


An Attempt to Put Romance and Blood in Submission

The dark allies have blindfolded my vision,
In an attempt to put romance in a poetic submission.
"You break it you buy it, so why won't they buy my heart...”
Fate can be intertwined in the strangest ways on the saddest days.
"Odd meeting you here, kind of late don't you think?"
Her hair was jet black and long, seductive at nature.
The frost was feeding off her very breath as she spoke.
"What's your name...?” As her tongue gently wiped her glossy lips.
An exclusive beauty just out of reach, "We'll be together...”

Excellent, the only thing i don't really like are conversations, but excellent nonetheless. 8.5/10


"Maybe the night will find us again."

A midnight's chill sends my spine to tingle hoping you feel the same.
The glimmer of the moon off her placid blue eyes sent shockwaves through my lips.
"I love you...but right now I feel more alive than I ever did, than I ever will...”
"Well, I love you too, but right now isn't the best time for me to be getting involved..."
The sophisticated tone in which she spoke lured me in even further, I was her pray...
"Well, maybe we could go one just one more date, you know, to make sure it isn't right."
"Sure, I'll be ready tomorrow at ten."
She then gave a kiss goodnight and strolled away into the darkness of the park.

Not as strong as the previous onem too many conversations, but still great. 7.5/10

"Maybe the night will find us again...”

The hot steam off of ventilators from industrial buildings sped up my thoughts.
Unknowing of what could come next in the same dark alley in which we met.
"This isn't the most romantic place for a date. I was thinking a cafe or something...”
"Well I'm not your average girl, I like the dark mysterious places, and they suit me better."
Her satin velvet hair fluttered in the moist stagnant air, compelling me to ask her.
"I am what you expected, I mean. Do you think this will last forever, I'd hope it would."
"Well, we'll see with a kiss and only a kiss with convince me this is love."

Same as the last paragraph, 7.5/10

So many broken promises end with a kiss.
So many forgotten lusts start with a kiss, a single kiss is all she wanted.
My endearing vanity compelled my put our romance and blood in submission.
My protrusions wouldn't let her nectar escape my grasp; she was mine, for eternity.

Great ending 8/10

i'd give this a 76%, the highest i've given so far in the past 4 days i think. Just clean up the conversation parts a little. Then, it'd be great. One of the top 10 piece in the last 48 hours i must say.

HappySuicidal
12-31-2004, 10:47 PM
This piece, to me seems much more like prose as opposed to poetry or song. II have a hard time seeing this fit into a song structure. May I ask what type of music you were planning to set this to? Some parts seem off...Like artsy for the sake of artsy, you know what I mean?


The hot steam off of ventilators from industrial buildings sped up my thoughts.

For instance the above line, really is sort of nonsensical. An overall great song, very eay to get wrapped up in. I agree that the song may be better off without the conversations. Very nicely done. Love the title. Nice ending. Sweet.

hmm....you'll exchange crits...Well here's my latest....
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=284202

limemachine
01-01-2005, 12:15 AM
"You break it you buy it, so why won't they buy my heart...”

That is the single most amazing line I have ever read on musician forums ever, and I think you are great.

Your username and little thing under the bottom rule as well...Fevers and Mirrors is an amazing album.

Your song is really sweet.

The Digital Pimp
01-01-2005, 12:41 AM
Haha I love the title, so very emo :P

Agreed with the line "You break it you buy it, so why won't they buy my heart...", awesome stuff.

Note that if you sing the song you'll want to make the spoken-voice parts of the lyrics sound different to the singing, so the listener can distinguish, else it won't make sense.